First off - no pictures, no stories, no how-to's, this is just me, needing to write something that's been on my mind for the last few weeks and trying to figure out if I should post it online for the world to read, or whether I should just keep it all to myself. But, even though I've been writing about it in my journal, I'm not sure it's been enough writing, so I've decided to put it down whether or not anyone else reads this as I'm not going to just share it on FB like I do with some of my other blogs. I may not even post it...who knows?
I'm not sure if I have seasonal depression or not. Typically I feel pretty good during the autumn months as the allergies are starting to lessen, the heat starts to dwindle, there's a bit more rain and I have a bit more to look forward to with cider, donuts, pumpkins and Halloween, and all of that usually makes me feel a bit more happy. But this year it's been a lot worse than I remember and even though I usually get overwhelmed by the upcoming convention that we run, I'm also facing this terrible quandary.
Mainly, this convention has been a part of our lives since I met my (at that time) future husband and even though he had full control over it, I let myself get sucked into this life and for awhile I really enjoyed it. I had only a few different tasks to take care of and I got to see a bunch of people and for awhile that was enjoyable. But even as I took on more tasks, I was never appreciated for it. I did my best to do the graphics, get the program made, gathered artists to do the badges and got merchandise for the convention so people could take it home and remember that year. But... I received so little thanks for it that it became a chore.
Even though my husband really appreciated (and still does) all of the work I do for him, he won't stand up to his 'vice chair' and so I am still just the "chairman's wife" - sure, a few people know who I am, but even when I took over being the advertiser and getting a bunch of people to go out and post flyers, etc... the VC gave all of the credit to some other guy who doesn't even do a damn thing except try to sell ad space two weeks out from the convention after I've already got the program sent off to the publishers. He's still called the "head of advertising" even when he literally has done...what? I'm not even sure this year because I backed off and out of the advertising group entirely because I was sick and tired of not getting credit for all of the work I put in.
Then there's the hours of time that I spent for the last some 8 years or so putting together the program to not get even one comment about the fact that I wasn't doing it this year. No one said anything like "awww, but I'll miss the program" or "why not?" Not even that... it sucks. I put hours and hours into it every year to just see them thrown into the garbage or torn up and left on the floor. So I said - nope!
When we mentioned briefly to someone we might be quitting after this year, they said "oh, we'll miss you." But not... "How ever will we do this without you?" Would someone step up and continue on our jobs without us? I don't know. My husband worries that two things would happen - either the convention will crash and burn - or it would become more popular without us. Both scenarios really freak him out...but I don't want to force him to quit if he doesn't want to....but I just feel like all of these years of my life have been wasted on this thing that no one will care if I just am not there in the future.
So, what would I do with my life if I'm not helping run a convention every year? I'm not even sure. It's not like I'm actually friends with any of these people - I feel like they'll just drop me from their friend's lists eventually because the only reason I was there in the first place was because of the convention. Will I finally make something of myself and do other things instead? Could I actually do the craft show thing that I'd really wanted to do if I didn't have to worry about the convention? What about going on vacation in the fall instead? What about not feeling guilty that I'm avoiding doing work for a convention when I'm playing around on my days off? Why SHOULD I feel guilty when not one flippin' other person who runs the convention actually feels guilty?
I've been thinking about making the announcement ahead of the convention just to see if anyone actually cared to say anything to me. But then again, maybe I'll just do it at the end. Maybe I'll just disappear without a trace and go my own way? I don't want to force my husband to quit because of me, but I'm just not happy anymore and that's not fair for me, right?
Well....it's all something I have to think about in the next few weeks. I'm already in it for this year, so there's not much I can do about it right now - but I just want to feel better about myself. I don't want to feel guilty for doing things that I want to do - or guilty for not doing things I don't want to do! I'm tired of feeling depressed all of the time. I just want to feel happy...you know?
So...maybe today, even though I still have things I have to do, I will instead spend my day for me. Why not? No one else seems to care about the convention or me except for my husband of course... Maybe I should spend it decorating my house, cleaning up things and doing some shopping? I don't know - the only thing I do know is that I'm tired of being the "con mom" now... the one who will "always be there". I'd like to be more important I think... I wish someone would think that I was important.
I want to believe I matter.
But I don't feel that way right now.