Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Glenhaven's Son Enirich - pt. 3 (Short Story)

   The Winter Winds were already starting to come to Glenhaven.  Enirich was used to Winter coming quickly upon the heels of the final harvest and most of the town was already finished with laying in the crops and stocking up the wood.
     There were many more here in this little village now. many more.
     From the northern area where they caravan parked four times a year and then extending out into the farmlands to the East, cobbled huts and tents were everywhere.  People whose faces were a pale to deep dark grey, walked among these homes, eyes shaded from the sun when it actually came out, wrapped up tightly against the cold winds that had begun to blow from the Northern mountains.
      Enirich's grandfather told him once that nearly five hundred years before the Drow lived here.  The ones that no longer could stand the darkness of the deep came here, dug out the mines, created the town, and worshipped their goddess.  The statue in the middle of town was once Elistraee, the Goddess of the Moon.  They were successful and eventually outgrew this tiny town and extended down to create the city of Waterfordshire, and also built villages to the far Northeast.
     That city grew large and successful.  Drow lived in peace on the surface, hired humans from the surrounding lands and sent them north to Glenhaven where they would help with the mines.  And for a time, perhaps two or three hundred years, the Drow had their region, the Elves to the South, the Dwarves to the West, and other races to the far East, and to the far, far South, the Dragonfolk.
     But something happened.  The great city of Centralia was leveled.  A powerful human wizard with the help of devils and dragons destroyed them.  The Elves went into hiding.  The Dwarves fought back until they were able to drive the evils back and secure their city.  But the Drow had nowhere to go but back into hiding underground.
     Kratos ruled above the region in a giant tower that floated on a cloud.  He despised the other races and wanted more than anything to destroy them.  For nearly a century his tower could be seen in the sky above the cities, sending evil magic to take out his enemies.

     Then one day, it stopped.

     The history books were vague about what happened.  Enirich had tried to research it in Waterfordshire but the libraries at that time were destroyed as well.  The verbal history that remained said that the humans left on the surface took over Waterfordshire and their self-appointed king, a powerful man of magic himself, was able to help rebuild the city.
      Even in the Academy Enirich had been told the king was once a Drow himself, able to save his people, who, even now, lived more or less peacefully in the catacombs below the surface.  The soldiers would drive them back underground or arrest the ones that were more dangerous, but otherwise, they were left alone.
     Kratos' tower had landed in the mountains to the East.  Those that ventured there never returned, but some said there was a Queen there who looked down upon the villages below from a tower window.  Others said Torganzantine the Queen of the Reds had brought the tower down to its final resting place.  Others yet said that the old Wizard had just died, and that's where the tower landed.  No one really knew, and it was so hard to get there that only the most hardiest adventurers attempted the journey...none would survive it.

     In Glenhaven, so the story went, Enirich's great great great great grandfather had hidden with their family within the mines of the Drow, and sealed off their escape hatch into the mountains.  The Drow would not be able to return to the surface the way they came, and he took advantage of that to take the city for the human race.
     Thinking about it now, as Enirich looked around at the many Drow who were living here now, he was rather ashamed at his ancestor.  These people just wanted to live as he did.  They wanted to live in peace and harmony, and yet...

     The Underdark was coming.

     The first signs were in the early spring, Caspian told him.  An opening to the underground was open, and the first small creatures had started to arrive, even as he was starting his third year at the academy.  Myconids and giant spiders were getting lost on the surface.  A dryad had gone crazy, and the unicorn in the forest had fled sometime that summer.  The magical fountain where it once lived had dried up.
     In the middle of the summer, Maribel and Matthew had gone hunting for herbs for a potion for someone who was sick and had discovered a newly hewn entrance...or perhaps exit was the right term, from the Underdark.  A darkness spell covered the area, killing the trees and plants.
     Not long after had Enirich returned to his home town to find that the Drow from Waterfordshire were on their way.  They were a rag-tag army, but they had been driven out of the catacombs... Immense creatures were pouring through the underground system.  Driders were hunting and killing and kidnapping those Drow that remained.
     A man whom Enirich was once told to capture, X'Granth N'zul was leading a caravan of immigrants North that Autumn.  He looked exactly like the wanted posters that bore his name.  He explained that they had nowhere else to go, but they would fight and protect their original home.  A few of these Drow, including himself, had grown up in Glenhaven as children.  Back then it had been called "Havenwoods".
     X'Granth took long journeys south to Glenhaven, pulling more of his people out, but by then the darkness from the woods had begun to extend down the valley, blocking off the road and access to the city.  It was dangerous to travel the roads now unless you could see in the dark as the Drow could.  Enirich was afraid of leaving, but he also had too much work to do as they fortified the city with more wood, large stakes, and closing off all entry points that they could.
     Caspian warned, time and again that they might have to fight all winter and to collect more stores of food for the people here.
     X'Granth volunteered to take a party south to Centoria, see if they could come back with more.  He didn't say he'd try to get help, he doubted his distant cousins the High Elves would help, and knew the Dwarves would not either.

     Just a few days ago word returned that Centoria was no more.  Caspian was seen in his shop performing a very long and daunting ritual and no one was allowed to see him for a few days.  When he was finished, the knob on his door no longer had the color which led to Centoria.  Instead, it led to some other place Enirich had never seen before... Caspian said it was in case they had to evacuate the city, but said no more.
     X'Granth sent word that he was on his way back to the village, but that the darkness was spreading further South now, and with Winter upon them, it would be a few weeks before he could make it back.

     Enirich's uncle the Mayor had hoped now that the snow was starting to fall that the Underdark would leave them be, but he was wrong.  A platoon of Duregar and creatures they had never seen before came from the caves, slaughtering a band of warriors from their village until they were finally pushed back.  Enirich had been with the band, and he was seriously injured until a lovely Drow woman came to him and healed his cuts.  Most of his soldiers survived, but the city was on edge now.
     Tra'Laga visited Enirich's bed a few different times over the next day or so as he recovered.  She brought him maps of the valley and they sat in his home, pouring over the notes.  Matthew and Maribel came to bring them food and give them more intel.  The cliffs surrounding the city were almost all completely shrouded in magical darkness.  The Drow could fight in it, and they were also the ones who came and went from it with information, but the humans were at a loss here.
     "We may have to escape," Tra'Laga looked downtrodden, her long white hair covering her lilac eyes.  Enirich could only just barely remember what it was like to be against Drow...he thought they were rather beautiful, once you got a good look at them.  Their grey skin almost sparkled in the daylight.  It could be just his hormones too...he wasn't really all that sure.
     "Caspian wants us to wait for X'Granth.  He said he has been slowly working at enlisting more help as they travel North.  But he's not sure if anyone's going to come."
     Maribel, sitting at the small chair nearby looked up, "Maybe our heroes will come?"
     Enirich shook his head, "I doubt it.  I took them as murderers, and they see me as their enemy, so I doubt they'll want to help this place again."
     The young girl looked downtrodden and Matthew patted her shoulder from where he stood at her side.  "I doubt a little group such as that could help something this big.  We'd need an army for that."
     "The army isn't coming..."  A new voice stated from the doorway.  Everyone turned to look at the small figure of Ellabee.  She pushed the door closed as a sharp wind filled with snow whirled inside.  Pulling a the hood down from her cloak she shook her head.  "Sorry to barge in so suddenly, but X'Granth just sent word that Centoria is in ruin.  The Black Shields and Golden Circle are on their way to push the dragons that have invaded out of the city, but it will take time.  Something drew multiple dragons there..."
     "Torganzantine has roosted again?"  Enirich leaned back, his brow creased.  "I mean, I know it's been around a hundred textbooks said..."
     Ellabee stomped her feet and walked into the room, "No...  Caspian doesn't believe so.  Something much worse... A Dragon Lich."
     Maribel laughed awkwardly, "That's silly...there isn't such a thing."
     "Maybe not before."  The room went silent as Ellabee helped herself to tea from the fireplace.  She turned with both her hands around the small clay mug.  "There's also word that Tiamat is stirring from below... Bahamut has come to the land.  Caspian..."  Ellabee takes a sip slowly, swallowed it, and then continued, "I shouldn't say anything, but the Balance has been shifted.  Evil knows this is the time and they can draw on that to take over.  Something is causing it, something has created this evil and unless it is stopped, the planet is in danger."
     Enirich could feel a sharp pang in his stomach.  The cold breeze that had blown in just moments before was not the cause of his goosebumps this time.  "But, what can we do?  Run away?  We have only a handful of magicians and other types and Caspian isn't doing anything.."
     Ellabee waved a hand at him, "Oh he's doing plenty.  It doesn't seem like it but he's concentrating on spells right now to keep us in the daylight..."  She drifted off, "I probably should get back to him to make sure he actually eats and drinks something.  He forgets to take care of himself.  Even an Elf needs to meditate... recharge..."  Setting her mug down she pulled the hood back up over her head.  "Right now the immediate danger is the Underdark.  We need a plan to get that opening closed up again.  Then we'll worry about...whatever else comes."

     The four sat in silence long after Ellabee left them.  They could hear what sounded like a blizzard blowing outside.  It was traveling fast.  Matthew said he was pretty sure it would be done by morning, as he remembered storms like this one.  It would be headed to the mountains, and perhaps would give them a day or so to breathe from the attacks.
     "Too bad we don't have a way to destroy that cave..."  Tra'Laga mumbled, tapping the spot on the map.  "I'm sure it would take time to dig out...give us more time."
     Enirich and Maribel suddenly turned to one another.  Cousins of the same family of miners who had been blasting in the caves for centuries..."Blast powder!!"  They both exclaimed at once.
     Tra'Laga and Matthew both jumped, "Wha-what?!"
      "We just have to get into OUR mine!" Enirich jumped up from where he sat, leaned over and gave Tra'Laga a long hard kiss right on the mouth.  "You're brilliant!"  He turned to Maribel who already was pulling her coat on.  "We just need to get to the mine using the storm as cover and blow it up!"

     The two cousins were already moving to the door in sync, the first time the awkwardness had finally evaporated.  They had, as children, played as sister and brother, being only a year or so apart.  But they had spent a lot of time in the mine with their fathers as it was the town's main source of income, but also its biggest secret.  Matthew had learned of it only a few months ago, but had not known how the mine worked...blasting powder was the secret. 
     "We'll need your help Tra!  Neither of us can see in the dark..."  Enirich pulled on his coat, tossing his friend hers.  "I practically know the route by heart, but it'll help to have someone with us who can actually see."
     "And cast faerie fire?"  The Drow was still sort of in a daze from her first kiss.  She didn't know it was that nice, quite honestly.  But she was always business first, pleasure later, as her father told her.  The Black Fist was a hard business to run, but she helped out when she could.  "Let's go.  Faster gone, faster back."
     "Not without me!"  Matthew said, finally following the others.  He took his bow from a hook by the door, strapping on his quiver.  "You'll need someone to watch your backs."
     The group pushed its way into the blizzard.  It would be a long night.

Focus on my Career - pt. 3 - The New Job

     So I start my new job on Monday morning.

     I applied to the job months ago, got an email from Indeed saying they had received 30+ applications and closed the job.  I didn't get an email, no interview, no phone calls, nothing, so I just wrote it off and went on my way.
      Then on Thursday, I received a message from them that they wanted me to come in.  I emailed them back saying I was open any time this week and after a confusing letter saying "I'm not available tomorrow but Monday" (I never mentioned being free Friday) I suddenly had an interview.

     "Interview" isn't actually the right term really.  I went in, learned about the past history of the GM and the business, we discussed my availability and then she offered me the job.  This happened over the course of an hour, and the majority of my words were just agreeing and saying "that's okay" over and over again.

     So... why did I take a job where no one even asked me about my previous experience?

     Maybe because I felt needed.  The other jobs I have applied to over the past few months haven't needed me.  I'd become just another number and yet, they still didn't actually want me and I haven't figured out why.  Maybe because I wasn't needed.  Is my personality too strong?
      The thing I saw around me as we toured the warehouse was a disaster zone that felt different but also very familiar to the frame shops I've walked into over the years.  It rather felt like I was walking into a shop where they kept getting returns and the shop head just said "nope" and walked away (which, apparently, was fairly accurate, as the last guy left back in April.)
      So, feeling needed and feeling like maybe I could actually help these people really got my interest up so I accepted the job and we'll see where it goes.  There were a few other appealing things, like being able to choose my own schedule and it's sorta full time but could probably get there eventually if I ask for it.
      But there's also the downfall of very few benefits due to the owner sorta just treating this as his piggybank but I have a feeling allowing it to fall apart.  The only reason it's working out is the GM but she's overworked and trying to hold it together and because she keeps bringing family members in to be bodies they're all just sorta getting by, putting their hands in this piggybank too.

     I might be walking into a real horror show.  I'm fully prepared for something big to happen and for me not to have a job much longer, but as long as I can keep at it until I can finally find something else, it will fill in my resume a bit more for now.


Originally this blog was a lot longer but I realized that I should probably just keep it all to a minimum until I have a better understanding of this job and actually have my first day there.  I don't want to shoot myself in the foot either because again, I'm writing this blog and it IS out there for anyone to read.  So, I took out a lot of the actual discussion that took place because it might be too recognizable for where I'm going.  Just minimum details for now.

I realize that I'm going to have a hard time not stepping on anyone's feet.  The GM told me that those working under her were just "okay" and she "has no problem moving someone from full time to part or vice versa if they aren't working right" - so at first, I was thinking "oh crap, you mean I gotta really bust my butt to make this work."  The more I think about it though, the more I begin to think about the employees I saw there that day and the complete and utter lack of work they were doing...even though they were supposedly behind.  So, what I think she was actually referring to is that after a month if I'm doing well she'll drop someone else and I'll take over for them.  Apparently, my cover letter had actually really impressed her that much.

I can already see myself going in and taking over, cleaning and moving things around and getting things in order and because unlike my previous job where I was hired to do that, I don't want to create enemies so quickly.

She just kept saying "it'll be nice to have someone in that's older..."  Well then.

We'll see.

Currently, in my mind, I plan on being there for at least the next few weeks, feel it out, see what's possible, get a feeling for the place, and then reevaluate whether I should go for another job soon.  I need to get through Tsubasacon first though.  I know for a fact that unless they start turning things around and being more professional that I'll have to leave anyway because there's no way I can work there very long without paid time off and a 401K...although I may just start making one of those on my own.

It's just going to be nice to have a purpose for a while I guess.

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 26 - Introvert vs Extrovert

     I think everyone falls on that line between being an extrovert and an introvert.  They say that even introverts crave human attention from time to time, and yet, get worn out by it.  Extroverts, on the other hand, feed on that human interaction and the more they get the more they want.  That's why many who are extroverted are self-centered oftentimes because they just want to be the focus of attention.  (Not to say extroverts can't be loving, caring, devoted people, because many of them actually pay more attention to others to keep conversations going.)
     Introverts, to a lesser extent, are also self-centered, but mostly because they reflect internally upon themselves more than on others.  Mind you, these self-reflecting creatures can also learn to look outward and care about others as well, and they know the right questions to ask and the best topics to keep others talking, so they don't have to carry a conversation!
     I wonder about myself, and if an extrovert can actually be made into an introvert by simply being made to think that way about themselves.  Could I actually be an extrovert that has just been so coddled over the years that I can't help but get worn out by social interaction?

     The reason I'm writing about this today was because of a thought I had yesterday on my way to lunch with one of my friends.  I had been sitting here at the computer wondering what I was going to accomplish for the rest of the day and also feeling lonely.  After an anxiety-ridden moment, I dropped my friend a message to see if she was going to be free for lunch since she had the day off of work.  Well over a half-hour passed and I did as most anxious people do, I clarified what I meant by meeting... Only if she was free, only if it wasn't out of her way, that sort of thing.
     Then my anxious brain took over and I started thinking about being turned down again.  I keep getting turned down for doing things with people.  I ask if people want to get together, I'm asked whether I want to join someone and when I say yes, they say nevermind.  Things like that make my brain just start really messing with me.
     Take for example today, (I know I'm going on a rabbit trail here) but a friend said they weren't planning on looking at my shop today because they're saving money for this weekend but maybe next week... and I went into a pit of endless Facebook scrolling for a half hour and deleted the entire blog entry I'd already started.  So... yeah, it really messes with someone.  I crawled out of my hole fairly quickly, but I'm still in that place of, 'no one likes me'.
     So, that was my thought, because I realize that even though I've spent most of my life thinking I was introverted, most of the people IN my life thought I was extroverted.  And I, when I get to start hanging out with people, really want someone to hang out with all the time.

     I don't think my friends realize that as they're having all of this fun with other friends, I'm feeling very left out.  I want to have friends with them and their friends.  I'd like to be invited once in a while.  I have so little human interaction lately since I lost my job that I'm going batty here in the house.  I'd really like to be able to get out and do things and talk to people besides my husband and the groups of people that come over once in a while. 
     I spent about eight to ten years after I moved into a new city having very few friends.  I'd met a few people at work from time to time, but after a while realized that no one wanted to do anything with me outside of work.  While other co-workers were going out to lunch together, I was having a packed lunch all by myself in the breakroom.  When others were doing quilting get-togethers after work, I was going home to watch TV and be miserable.  It took a LONG time to get friends again who would want to do things with me again.
     And now that I have a few friends, I'd really like to spend more time with them.  I'd like to go out on the weekends and be asked to go out to lunch.  But, it doesn't happen.  I crave for it to happen, but it's so rare to be asked... and yet this craving doesn't go away.

     So, I might have a tinge more extrovert in me then everyone I know has thought over the years.  I think they believe I'm introverted and I'm completely happy just staying at home and doing things on the internet and not having a job.

     It's actually quite miserable.

     At least for me.  I think a couple other friends I know who don't have jobs are doing okay.  They have their bad moments, but I think overall they don't seem to be miserable by not working.  Unlike me who thrives on hard work and lots to do and maybe that's why these last five months have been so hard on me even though at first I thought it was going to be a great thing.
     I think I really needed all of that social interaction throughout the day, really needed that so I could just go home and relax and be introverted the rest of the time.  But I got that attention, I got the talking out of the way, I got to spend time with my friends, and even though we don't do anything with one another the rest of the time, it was okay when it was like that.

     So, am I really introverted or extroverted?  I have no idea.

     But maybe we're all on both sides a little bit and it just depends on how we're leaning each particular day.

     Meanwhile, on a whole different topic, I'm almost off all of the medications I had been taking.  I'm just sorta wondering what it will feel like to be off all of the fake stuff I keep putting into my body.  I'm still really worried about going off birth control (I never really needed it to keep me balanced, just to make things easier with my husband...)  I know I'm going to be worried again but at least I can see if any of this depression or numbness was because of the pills.  I guess only time will tell.

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 25 - Need to Declutter

     I'm beginning to feel surrounded.  I can feel the clutter all around me and it's starting to really drive me crazy.  Every September it starts to get bad around here as the convention stuff starts to encroach on every day life and the boxes start to pile up around the place and everything just becomes this huge slovenly mess that I have to walk around or trip over.  It spills in from near the front door and slowly makes its way around the living room and into the kitchen.  Dust bunnies begin hiding behind the boxes.  Cat hair takes up residence on top, below, around, until it's hard to tell where the boxes end and the floor begins.
     I can't stand this clutter.

     I just want to leave the house and stay outside because I'm so tired of looking at all of the boxes.  And then when I think, 'Oh, maybe I'll clean and get some of this stuff out of here.' I start to find other things that have nothing to do with the convention - things that my husband brings in, things that he refuses to throw out...the mess is so maddening that I start throwing things out willy-nilly.  I know he hasn't looked at this in over a year...goodbye!  The problem is, I know he knows these things are there, he just doesn't want to deal with it.  He hates throwing anything out and it's driving me nuts because not only won't he get rid of it, he won't find a nice neat organized way to keep them either.  Give me a crate and I'll wrap up all those cables and get the all stored correctly, but in truth, most of what's left he's never going to touch ever again... so there it sits, not being used.

     I just want to go full-out AGGRESTUKO on the whole thing and scream at the top of my lungs.

     So, here I sit writing about it and trying to vent at least a little.  I realized that I didn't sit down and write yesterday like I had been doing on a regular basis because I had decided to try making a painting video for the first time in awhile.  When it was all said and done it looked pretty good and I was fairly happy with it.  The narration was mostly clean and I rambled a bit, sure, but it sounded almost natural as opposed to me just reading, which was what I was doing.  I haven't looked online yet but a few people shared it so I was happy that way.
     But, my husband didn't say anything and he sure as heck hasn't 'liked' it so I'm not feeling anything coming from him right now.  Again, like I mentioned in the last blog, this is the time when his "baby" takes precedence, and I just become a glorified maid and secretary.

      It's not as if I have anyone knocking down my door either trying to give me a job.  I did have a call today but when I looked up the company (since I hadn't applied there myself) I quickly found out that they were one of those phony scam things so I just told them I wasn't interested and hung up.  I'm always surprised that fake businesses still exist when there's so much information flying around about them out there.  But I guess there's enough people who don't look them up that they make a profit somehow.
     I'm just disappointed that I can't get a phone call from one of those companies I did apply for, because there were so many.  Probably by now all of the files have been cleared and no one is looking at my resume.  I have yet to do a stream-line of it like I was wanting to.  There's actually a lot of things I haven't been doing that I should be doing for myself but the money issue is creeping up into it.
     For example, I'm on my final week of birth control pills and then I'll be free of the hormones but that'll make things go back to stressful if I engage in any activity it's just going to be one freak out moment after another.  I wouldn't worry so much about it if I didn't know my grandmother had given birth at 45 so I have at least another 5 years where I could definitely possibly become pregnant and that freaks me out even more.
      It's not as if I haven't gotten onto a new insurance, because we have gotten things going, but I was getting $60 bills pretty regularly from my doctor to just visit and I'm supposed to get some of those other tests that women get once they're in their 40s, so I'm rather not looking forward to spending that money until I know I've got some coming in.... and who knows when that's going to be?  Even the second table at a craft show that I sent the check in for has yet to be cashed and I haven't heard a word from them so I'm starting to wonder if I was even selected or will even have a chance to go.

     All I can say, is that things have been really rough, even more so since I stopped looking for a job.  There are all of these things that I think I should be doing but if I don't write them down they just sort of drift away like dandelion fluff.  I'll sit and think about it for awhile and all of those ideas are just gone somehow and then I get depressed and just take a nap in the middle of the day.  Even if I haven't done an ounce of housework or spent any time online, I'll just fall asleep and nap.
     I know that has to be the depression.  I know enough now to recognize the signs but it's super hard to be able to pull myself out of it.

     I keep trying to come up with a way to focus on the good things again.  I had started doing that a bit at first but as the months keep rolling by with no changes, nothing seems to really be working.  Then I fall into the pit of eating because I'm bored or stressed out... and that's just worse.


Maybe I need to just declutter my life.  Maybe I need to just get RID of a bunch of things that remind me of my misery.  Maybe if I could just sit in a nice, clean, sterile space for awhile, maybe things will even out for me for a bit.  I just don't know.  I wonder if it would help though?  Perhaps?  I'm so sick and tired of feeling like the walls are surrounding me and there's no way out.

Tuesday, September 3, 2019

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 24 - Raising the "Children"

     As of yet, I'm not sure what to title today's blog entry.  I suppose I should come up with something by the end, but if it's still titled "24" you'll know what happened.

     This past week has been a roller coaster of things.  I started out things on a rather drab note, but because I had company coming over early in the week and I'd be gone during the weekend, I decided to concentrate on all of the chores that were necessary, and attempted to move away from my career.  It rather started something like this - be miserable but slog through the weekly chores.  Keep forgetting things because I didn't have a list written down, get more miserable for forgetting to take things out of the freezer or forgetting to go to the grocery store.
     Make myself more miserable by realizing that we shouldn't be eating out all the time for dinners and then guilty because that's what ended up happening a few days this week.  All because I couldn't come up with a grocery list and I keep trying to come up with new things but I only remember the things I've done recently and I didn't want to re-do them all again... or should I?
     Scroll through the job listings and get even worse than before until finally my husband said that even one of his old co-workers said maybe it's best if I just stop looking for a bit.  It's not doing me any good and I'm just miserable doing it because I keep getting turned down.  And he was worried at this point if I got into a job then suddenly I won't be able to help with the convention and I've been doing a lot of that lately and we think it's helping.  (Not that I'm doing any of that today, but I'll get to that in a bit.)
     So, I agreed and decided that maybe I should attempt to convince myself that THIS is what I want to be doing with the rest of my life.  That taking care of the house, being creative, and helping out with the convention is actually better than working and I should be happy having the time to myself.

     A true introvert probably would be happy.  I don't think I'm a true introvert, so instead of making me happy like I always thought it would; I'm miserable and alone with my own thoughts and the only time that I'm relaxed and not depressed is either when I'm writing it all out on paper or I'm doing some task that is so mind-numbing that I can't think about other things.  So sometimes, like today for example, watching TV, cleaning the house and mowing the lawn are my mind-numbing things but then I forgot to go get groceries and plan dinner, and thus I'm behind again; even with a list out on the counter I've started to cross off as I get things accomplished.

     Last week was a mix of all of that.  Wanting to search for a job, convincing myself that it was okay that I didn't, and eventually just getting caught up in having a stomach flu of some sort that I felt miserable and just wanted to watch TV when I wasn't running back and forth to the bathroom.  But I also started to feel a bit better about myself.  Got more things done for the convention, got more painting done, had an order from a family member that I got to mail off, got out of the house and did some shopping.  Got excited about doing things for the weekend.
     Then I tried to pump myself up for the convention stuff and I was kind of excited about all of that while we were having our meeting.  I was pretty happy at the excitement for the artwork and all of the advertising and such and that was pretty cool.  That, after spending a day sick to my stomach and feeling like crap.  And oh yeah, getting yet another rejection letter after all of the time I spent just having no clue why I wasn't hearing from any of the job applications I still had out there.

     And yesterday I really wanted to have a good day.  But I'm miserable because I've gained weight and my outfit was too tight.  I was miserably hot.  I was running to the bathrooms every few hours because of whatever flu it was that still isn't going away.  And I was miserable because I have no job and thus feel like I can't spend anything...and then I allowed myself to get talked into buying this hat that I really didn't like and wished that I could just instead walked away and bought something else I actually wanted...but I wondered if I would feel better.  I didn't.  But I wanted to.  I wanted to have that excited feeling I got when I bought my first potion bottle or when I bought my crystal ball, or perhaps when I bought the outfit that I wore and it was a small and the woman was amazed how well it fit and now it's just too tight because I'm nearly 20lbs heavier again and it was just miserable.

     I really don't want people worrying about me.  I really don't want to tell them that I feel useless.  Sure, maybe I catch someone's eye by posting stuff online, but it's not MINE.... let me explain, as I came up with this idea earlier today.

     My husband, back when we had just met, had taken on the convention just earlier that year and his friends were all pushing him to do his best to grow this thing.  If you wanted to compare it to a child, let's say someone had this kid, then after it turned two years old put it up for adoption and my husband and a couple of his friends took it to start raising it.  I met my husband right about that time and started throwing in my two-cents of how to raise this 'child'.  I didn't have a hand in it myself because I lived too far away, but they took my ideas and got it through its third year.  I didn't really start raising it myself until half-way through it's third year and got to celebrate its fourth birthday.  But, still, I was only helping it in little bits and pieces.  It was still my husband and his friend's 'child'.
     Skip forward to its teenage years and I spent most of my time helping to raise it with my husband and yet his friends (or rather, the vice chair) still acted as if it was HIS and that I had very little to do with it.  Even though I spent hours and hours of my time devoted to clothing, feeding, and bathing it, it still wasn't mine.  Now it's very nearly grown out of its teenage years and I see how much it has grown, that it isn't a child anymore, but here I am, still helping bathe it, still feeding it, still cutting its hair and dressing it, and only just recently have I started to get some of the credit for it.
     Look how much attention its getting on social media!  You're sharing all of these pictures of it and look how popular its getting!  What proud parents we are for watching it grow and doing so well for it!  But, you know, it's HIS kid...  So yeah, it's still my husband's "child" even though I've raised it and helped him nurture it and protect it from all of these people who sought to do what they wanted it.  But, it's not MINE.

     So, that's why I started making up my own business.  This one could be MINE.  This could be my tiny child that I raise up from nothing... but because I'm starting from scratch, it feels so lonely and I feel like I have very little ground to stand on.  I've had to push myself to do this thing - put together the stock and make the website and go to the craft shows and promote myself - all while having this "teenager" hoisted upon me... make him behave.  Watch it, feed it, keep it happy...
     But it's a teenager.  This is a baby - well, rather, this project is so new it's only a few months old, and in order for it to grow I need to spend a LOT more time on it, and yet here I am being stuck raising both, and we all know that teenagers need just as much attention as babies do in their own way.  But what suffers?  The little thing I want to do because I keep having to be forced between one or the other, especially when my husband now has a new job in order to take care of my dead-beat ass.

     Sorry, but that's how I've been feeling and it's a pretty good analogy.  So I figure, maybe I can see things through and maybe once I've gotten past the convention this year I can concentrate on my own project.  Maybe then I can find a job.  Maybe then I can be happy with whatever it is that I can focus on...I just don't know what anymore.