Focus on Me - pt 4 - Minecrafting into 2021

Wow...it has been a long time since I've written in here, hasn't it?  All the way through 2019 and through part of 2020 I was pretty much glued to my blogs, trying to get something updated once a week or so, and trying to help my mental health by getting things out of my head an on to "paper".

Now, it's been about six months later and things are, well, more or less the same.  About the same time that I left off of the blogs I started into the game of Minecraft.  It was a free solution to me wanting to create and decorate and explore the world around me (well, free in the sense that I only had to purchase the game but not the materials, that just took time).

I feel like I really need to dig deep into my new obsession with Minecraft.  Here I am, about to go into my 42nd year, and I'm obsessed with this digging, building, and battling game.  At first I played it only on the weekends, spending time with my friends on a shared server and eventually only my husband and I were on there for the most part until then there was me.  My friends still helped me defeat the dragon, still worked on their builds, but eventually they moved on to other games and doing other things.  We'd exhausted pretty much all there was to do - especially since they weren't into building and designing as much as I am.

And obsessed...yes, my evenings were spent exploring and building maps, finding beautiful scenery in this cartoon landscape and it helped me forget about how 2020 sucked.  About the fact I could no longer play D&D with my friends in person, how I barely left the house but to occasionally go to the grocery store or the park to walk.  

In this world... I was free.  I could hang out with my friends (when they were there) or hang out with the NPC villagers which is what I spent a lot of time doing, coming up with small stories and going on adventures to build the most amazing things I could think of.  Of course...this was before I started watching YouTube videos putting anything my mind had come up with to shame thus far...but that's for another time.

My house recreated in Minecraft

When I did discover all of the other builders out there I realized quite quickly that I wanted more challenges.  My husband tried to start up a modded game, and he played with me for a few days, then dropped off each time we'd start up something new.  I'd press on, enjoying every moment until I had my own single player "X-Life" game where I managed to max out everything and had a wonderful village all on my own.

Since then I've played around with other resource packs (the picture above is MizunoCraft16 with some Ghoulcraft thrown in) but I'm pretty happy with how close I could build a replica of a house I live in.  It's not perfect, but since I had the constraints of what blocks are available and not having a whole lot of extra mods...it's not too bad either.

I've thought of doing some other things with this new found obsession, but, overall, I guess my anxiety makes me push a way from going streaming or trying to do other things like that.  Is it bad?  No, absolutely not.  Not every Minecrafter needs to be a Twitch streamer...or YouTuber, but I do like to show off what I've created and I'm proud of the things that I've done with my time even if they aren't physical creations.

Unfortunately, I feel a lot of the time that the push I had two years ago at this time, when I'd lost my job at the craft store and moved into attempting crafts full-time for the summer of 2019... it feels very far away now.  I'm definitely a different person than I was then.  I don't feel like the same excited, bright-eyed, "let's do this!" kind of person I was then.  

But you know, dammit, even if people don't appreciate the time and effort I put into this game... even if they don't seem to care that I want to show them what I've made because it's not tangible...well, screw it.  I AM PROUD of it.  I find relief in these things, no matter how strange it might seem.

And I'll probably keep up with it for a while longer, because that's what brings me comfort.

Focus on Me - pt 4 - Anxiety

   Because I realize I haven't done this for a while, I decided to sit down and do a little bit of self-therapy by writing down what's been going on with me, try to get it out.  I write a diary every day, so you'd think that would be enough, but sometimes a single page in a journal just isn't enough to get those rambling thoughts out to be a relief.
     I think that talking to people would help, but anxiety makes it impossible.  If you've ever had one of those issues that you've talked about over and over again and feel like you're bothering everyone around you by talking about it more than once, you probably have anxiety just like me.  So, it makes it difficult.  I have a couple friends, my husband and my mom and that's just about it.  And feeling like I'm always complaining is a bad feeling.
     So, that's what this blog is for, and I really don't want to sound like a "negative nancy" about it, but that's how things have been going lately.  I'm tired.  I'm exhausted.  My work was pretty good at the beginning of the year because we had plenty of people on staff, but that has dropped off drastically to the point there's maybe a handful every day. 
     They gave me a job to do emails, which was kind of nice for a while, but the busier we got, the more stressed out I got.  Then we started losing people so they expected me to do my job but also do phones, and I realized the other week when I was back on phones permanently, that it was the feeling of helplessness, watching that inbox fill up while I was on the phones that it was causing me the worst anxiety.  We used to be slow enough (or rather we had enough humans to answer phones) that we could bounce between the emails and calls.  Now, it's either straight one or the other with very time to do anything else.
      I was going to start talking to my bosses about this, but then we had to cancel all of the meetings because of how busy we have been, and then they keep asking me to work overtime, and it all compounds.  I don't mind my job, but the fact that we're just so overwhelmed makes me feel that way.

     I kind of miss not having a job, even though I was anxious about that.  But I look around my house every day thinking - I need to get all of this stuff done.  But I don't have the energy to actually do any of it when I'm off of work.  That stresses me out too because my husband makes a mess everywhere he goes and has no sense of urgency to clean it up after himself.  So then I have that on top of me too.
     Thankfully I do have a week scheduled off coming up, and I'd like to go somewhere in order to just get away for a while.  But...we're still in a pandemic.  I just don't know what to do about the stress overall.

     Is this little complaint fest helping any?  Maybe a little bit.  I honestly don't care if anyone reads this but I just want it to be OUT of me.  Even if it's on virtual paper.  I miss people, I miss being around people, but I also am glad I don't have to feel forced to see them either.  I really would like to just leave for a day.  I'd like to just call off work myself and spend some "me" time, but it's been really hard lately because I also have a very strong sense of devotion to my job, even if it is the cause of most of my stress.
      I miss earlier this year when I first started and felt good about everything.  Sigh.

Focus on my Career - pt 8 - Sleepless Night

     I finally reached six months at my new job.  It wasn't celebrated, there wasn't any hoopla, and it was marked only by an email sent out by the people who administer our payroll.  I didn't expect anything really, even though working in a startup small milestones tend to count since there's such high turnover, but things went on as usual.  It's okay, I didn't expect much.
     The winter months went by smoothly, but then things started to roll in a different direction as we went from a team of 20 or so to just a dozen or so.  There was quite a considerable cut in staffing at the beginning of the month, and I spent a sleepless night thinking about how I wasn't part of this one.  Before, when that terrible retail place I worked for decided to make cuts I was almost always on the side that got cut.
     My friend said it's because I have PTSD from my previous job and yes, I think in so many ways I do.  I worry constantly about doing something wrong, making that one mistake that will get me fired, and having my heartbeat out of its chest every time I send off that email.
     At first, my job seemed like a simple call center job, nothing special, help a person get access to their account, explain a bill, or something along those lines.  I knew that I had to verify everyone, but it seemed simple and straight forward.  Then came the quality assurance, which was okay at first until I got back my first results and realized I'd screwed up big time on something so simple and small as one piece of information.  One mark on my record.  I got two more before I could be fired for it.  And each month they go over at least 7 such pieces, so in one month I could screw up and lose my job in an instant.
     It kept me up all night after that first score, and I vowed to do better.  My eyes crossed and I started to freak out about any little thing that didn't quite match, questioning every single email or phone call I took.
     That was before the cuts were made where we lost some people, most likely due to some of those same issues.  Then came another one last week which was a big shock to some of my coworkers.  I just kept plugging along, forever anxious with every email and phone call that I still take, thinking about if I forgot to double-check something or should I trust myself that I would have noticed something wrong?
   
     I finally took a day off for myself.  It's been six months and I've only taken one other day off since the pandemic has made things impossible to go anywhere and everything I had scheduled has been canceled or closed.  But today I wanted a day to sit in the house and not work, not think about my anxiety with sending that next email, and just wanted a day to let everything go.
     Unfortunately, I'm also completely exhausted.  I could barely sleep last night and even though I have all of these plans for myself, I also just barely can get motivated to do any of them.  But maybe that's good?  Maybe that's what I should be doing for myself?  Just relaxing?

     I've also been thinking about my friend who wanted me to work with her originally back in November.  I had gotten a job offer, and I probably could have taken that job, but the one I have now offered perhaps less security, but more money and didn't give me (then) as much anxiety as that one did.  I felt bad.  My friend was disappointed.  I think she thought I let her down, that I abandoned her, and possibly had favored another over her.
     But I saw how happy she was at her new job.  She had a cool new desk, new co-workers who had become her friends, and she had all of these new hobbies she was getting into.  She was posting pictures of her decorations, games she played, and things she was doing.  And her co-workers were starting to comment on her Facebook feed to the point that I know she had added them as friends.
     And me?  I have one friend who I've added on Facebook and that was long before I worked there.  I haven't added anyone else, nor have I made plans with any of them, or tried to reach out in any capacity.  I harken back to that PTSD, worried that at any moment I could lose this job and thus break all contacts. 
      They said when all of those people were fired that we could still "reach out" to them...but I had no way to do that.  I had no contacts with them and thus no ability to say, "hey, how are you doing?"  And that made me sad because my friend has moved on without me and has made all sorts of new friends.
   
     It takes so much for me to open up to new people.  I literally took nearly a decade to make friends with my co-workers at my old job.  And now it feels like I just don't have the ability to reach out at my new job with having to work from home and not being able to get to know people in person.
     I worry about losing the friends I have.  We spent all this time playing D&D together and now it seems things are drifting away even though I've been really trying hard for it not to.  Every time I start to tell a story with a person or a group of people we never seem to finish, and damn it, I really want to finish this one!
     But... it's been over a year now since everything changed, and it's been about three or so months since the pandemic started.  I know we can outlast the closures and the worries about being apart, at least we'll give it our best shot to!  But I also worry about what I need to do to keep everything held together that I've worked so hard at.

     And that's where my sleepless night came from.  That's what ran through my mind over and over again as I tossed and turned.  And hopefully putting this down will help me move past it and relax during the next four days I have off.  I hope.

Pandemic #2 - Video Conferencing Woes

     I just wanted to get something off my chest.  So, I was out a job for six months, found a terrible one for a few months, tried again at a few places and secured a job where I could possibly work from home if needed, which was very fortuitous because here we are in the Corona Virus Pandemic and those places that are still open that aren't front line are working from home.  Thankfully, that includes yours truly, and I've been here for over a month now.  I almost feel like I've been working at home longer then I did in the office, although it'll be another month or so before that really happens.

      But in the meantime, things got set up to do video meetings at least once a day, if not three times a day, depending on how many manager one on ones and over conferencing I have to sit through.  It's bad enough that our jobs went from having a review once a week where no one really reviewed anything, to once a month where they reviewed one thing, to suddenly they're critiquing a bunch of things that I do, and I've failed at one already so now I'm stuck at home, anxious about the Pandemic and going outside...but also freaking the heck out about my reviews.  I feel like any moment I'm going to find myself in a conference call where they're going to say, "bring in your electronics, go get your stuff off your desk, you're done."

     Most likely I'm panicking a bit more than I should, but when the world is going to pot, your husband is complaining his job has slowed down so much everyone is fighting for work too, and one of you have to foot the bill at least to keep our lives the way they are...it's awfully stressful.

     And that's not even what I really came here to complain about!  My actual complaint is that I have one gal who hired in about week before me who has decided to become my direct competitor.  She started to have battles with who would get more phone calls in a day, and it wasn't really all that bad when we were in the office because we didn't really sit near one another and except for once a day I didn't even have to say anything to her.

     Now, because we're on the same "stand up meeting" every afternoon I have to listen to her EVERY DAY.  I didn't really like her all that much before, although the only thing I had to base that on was that she seemed kind of dumb.  I think she was feeling sorry for herself for having a baby out of wedlock and hadn't even wanted a kid.  She murmured that once during her first week when I said I didn't have kids which is probably the reason I looked younger then I am.  But from that day on, I think she turned it around to say she loved her baby sooo much and she wants another someday, and hopefully soon... trying to be my exact opposite it felt like.

      As I mentioned, after that point I really didn't have to talk to her too much but now she's on the video call and my coworkers ask about said baby over and over again.  The calls turn into long, drawn out conversations about her and the kid.  I mean, I understand most women are like that, but it's awkward and annoying to me.  I've never wanted children so when we talk about pets or cats instead I'm having a much better time since it's something I can relate to.

      Recently she's also started to show how much of a Trump supporter she is as well.  So, not only is she a breeder, she's a MAGA (sorry, it's probably rude terminology but I don't approve) and it's so frustrating because I don't really want to be anywhere near her now, either online or in the office.  I feel like she's going to become unbearable when she finally gets back into the office.

     So, that's what I've been grumbling about.  I like my job in essence, but it's become a lot lately for me.  I don't even know what to do but ignore her.  I miss when I didn't have someone who seems to be openly competing with me at every step of the way.  I just want to do my job as best I can and work my way up as I have in all of my other jobs, and I don't know how to push for that, but I'm worried that she's attempting to do that too and I don't want to compete with her... I just don't know how much I can do while I'm stuck at home.

Focus on My Career - pt. 7 - Anxiety and Job Offers

     Anxiety can be a real bitch.  You don't know when it's going to hit you or for what reason.  I know I've actually suffered from it for a very long time but never had a name to it.  Does that make it better maybe?  I'm not sure.  I'm not sure if addressing it head-on or letting it run its course is the better option.  I've read a little bit recently about facing it and dealing with it as it hits you so that you can remind yourself that whatever that immediate danger your body and brain are trying to warn you about, most of the time it's not actual danger at all.
     I think the earliest attack came around fifth or sixth grade, so I was probably 8-10, it was winter time and we were all bundled up at recess (because back then they still sent us out in the cold and snow!) and I remember wanting to avoid everyone, so went out into the middle of the field, plopped myself down, huddled with my hood over my head and stared at the snow.  Or was it actually summer, and I was looking at flowers?  I honestly don't recall for sure, but I remember not wanting to deal with anyone.  It took a teacher coming over to me to haul me to my feet and take me back inside.
     Spending a lot of time in the secretary's office, with a "stomach ache" was another favorite pastime.
     Another was being JUST stubborn enough that I wasn't allowed to go out to recess and stuck in the library during lunchtime.  Just me and the librarian, browsing books and looking outside and just being happy.
     After researching anxiety in children over the years I can definitely see myself in almost all of the different clues that are now accepted as anxiety.  But no one knew what that was, I was made fun of, I was more sensitive to all of that, I clung to adults who could give me solid answers and didn't judge, didn't give me trouble, and in this age, they would have gotten me into counseling.  Not as if I didn't try to do it myself, but I was only allowed to go about once a month, and after elementary school, there wasn't anyone to go too.

   

Focus on Me - pt. 2 - End of 2019

     The year is drawing to a close and there are so many things going through my head right now.  At the beginning of 2019, I was the first mate of a sinking ship.  My boss hated me and I was just miserably getting by, taking medication for the anxiety, stress, and depression that SHE had caused.  I was holding with it, going down with that ship...  Until my "captain" literally threw me out of the ship.
      I rather liked that metaphor.  I saw this as a sinking ship, all of the crew were desperately attempting to follow the Captain's orders, but as First Mate, I saw the bigger issues, the giant gaping holes in the bow, and instead of getting the sails ready and hoisting the anchor, I wanted to stop the water from getting in.  But the Captain thought I wasn't listening to her orders as she told me to swab the decks and fix the nets... or something stupid along those lines.  She wanted me out of HER way and didn't bother to see what work I was doing to help.
      So, instead of just seeing my point of view or even seeing the things I wanted to do as relevant, she literally set up a plank...then made me walk it...then dumped me overboard.

     I swam in that rough ocean for a long time.  Miserable and wet as my crew tossed me ropes and well-wishes (they tried their best, I have no doubt they would have dragged me back if they thought it would help).
     A day or so later one of them jumped ship after me.  She knew what she was doing and had a little dingy (she is a super talented artist, I should compare her to having an actual escape boat). 
     I continued to swim, looking around for other ships, an island, anything I could.  All the while I would hear about the ship as it continued to sink, or just barely float.  The crew was managing somehow and I heard about it across the sea as I paddled and looked for a way out.
     
     And then one day I found another ship.  It was also barely holding together, but it was something and they all welcomed me on board.  But then I realized they also had a Captain that wasn't doing a good job - nope!  This one stayed in her cabin and shouted orders, didn't want help and didn't want to actually leave her cabin to see what was going on outside on her ship.
     I've never wanted to quit a job that quickly before.  I willfully jumped off that ship!  I swam as hard as I could so they couldn't come back to get me and I realized I was happier in the ocean then attempting to do something for that ship that was never going to happen.

     Now I think I have found a proper ship.  And I hope they're heading to a nice sturdy island where I can finally set my feet on solid ground again.  I worry about it, of course, as I've only been on this ship for a few weeks.  But the Captain is out on the decks on a regular basis, he has multiple first mates, everyone has a job to do on the ship and everyone talks to one another and helps one another.
     I have a very simple, but also very convoluted job on this ship.  I guess the best comparison would be a cartographer.  I had no idea what I was doing, but I was shoved into a small area, showed all of the maps, compasses, and drawing instruments, and then told that at any moment someone might run in and tell me where they wanted to go or where something was, and by the way, you have to also learn how to read the stars too because we're in the middle of the sea.
      Sure, the job at its heart is reading maps to people.  But it's so much more complicated than that because of all of the different factors that are involved.  I had a little over a week of training and then I was left in the room alone with the map and the people who were supposed to stand over me and guide me were too busy with their own jobs.... so yeah, sometimes I feel a bit left out to dry.  But at the same time I've caught on to most of it so perhaps I tell someone East when I mean West, but my anxiety comes from worrying I'm stuck doing this one job, even though it's important, if I stay in this one place I'll never learn how to raise a sail or swab a deck or drive the ship.

      That's a whole lot of metaphors for a call center job.  Hahaha.  I was told that this wasn't a call center, it's less than two dozen people, and everything is moving and shuffling.  People are great to me, and everyone attempts to help me, but I think I've caught on faster than some people, I just need the speed.  Thankfully everyone said it's fine, the speed will come in time, and I can already tell that they're right, but I've always excelled in jobs I've been given over the years, so being patient is difficult for me.
     Especially when all of my other jobs were a frenzy of activity.  This job is me, sitting at a desk, answering phone calls and emails all day, and in between times just staring at my phone (I need to bring books) but when things get ramped up for the year it'll just be answering phones and after just a few days of doing it on my own, I realize I'm not sure my mind will be able to handle the sheer boredom of that...
     At least with tedious chores like folding paper or ringing registers or framing pictures, I got to do something with my hands.  I worry about myself in this job even though it pays so damn well.

      So, as I mentioned, at the beginning of the year I was riding a sinking boat.  Now I'm riding in a boat that keeps growing and moving and changing and I'm blown away by how quickly I've started to get used to that world even though my brain is still anxious over it.

     What will 2020 bring?  I have a week left and my first paycheck coming in a few days.  I have a comfortable home, a loving husband, and I know that everything in my life has changed so much.  Maybe because of all of the trouble I've gone through, I worry about myself thinking everything is too good to be true now.  I can't relax.  But I want to.

     I thought by getting out of my old job that I'd be able to be happy again.  I'd be able to enjoy everything again.  But Halloween came and went in a frenzy.  And now Christmas is here and I don't feel the way I used to.  Mind you we're home alone this year because my Mom is sick.  But it's also super warm outside and we took a walk and I hung around outside with my cat for a while, wearing a short-sleeve shirt.  So, it's weird.
     I didn't go shopping at the stores for a bunch of stuff.  I didn't bring anything but a couple of new Hallmark ornaments home.  I didn't drive around looking at Christmas lights.  I didn't get out of the house much.  I'm looking at my life a whole lot differently than I used to.  I don't want a bunch of things.

     I think I need to learn how to live again.  And also enjoy living.

Maybe that's my real New Year's Resolution - look for joy.  Find the island in this ocean.

Focus on my Career - pt. 6 - More Interviews

    It's been a busy week since I quit my job.

    I don't regret getting out of that other situation.  In fact, I'm happier again.  I've been writing more, painting more, cleaning more, and reading more.  I've been planning things again and baking again.  Things that were a chore before are fun again.  And it's only been a week since I got out of that situation. 
     If you've been reading any amount of these (which, according to hits, there's only been one or two, and most likely someone just dropping by to spam my comments) you'd know that I have been having a bunch of rollercoaster emotions over the past eight months.  I started with anger at losing my job of 17 or so years, then sadness, depression, then a sense of relief and excitement and eventually back into the pits of despair and feeling less than independent.  It's nice to know that I have someone I can depend on, but the guilt of that, even after I try to remind myself that he had gone through something similar when we'd just met.  But he never had to depend on me, so I feel like I shouldn't force him to go through the same thing.
     So, the night before I quit I fixed up my resume and submitted it to a few places that I said I was going to back in October, over a month ago.  I should have just cut and run with that previous job the moment I got there, but I was trying to stick it out because they say you have better chances of getting a new job when you already have one.  I stuck it out much longer then I should have because I was getting miserable a whole lot faster then I had at any of my previous jobs.

     I had applied to both of these places before.  The first one I didn't bother to announce that fact because I had been denied twice already.  I understand the reasoning now, but was pretty crushed then, especially since no one bothered to say "hey, you're not good for this position but we think you'd be good for this one...apply for it instead."  I think if I was a person hiring for a company I'd be more encouraging.  But I guess I'm different than most people.
     The other job I had also applied for, but they were only hiring three people at the time, so I didn't get it.  So when I applied for that one again I said so and said I saw they were hiring again so I'd try again. 
     Over the course of the next few days, I had two phone interviews set up for Tuesday of this week.  Surprisingly they both went over just fine and before I knew it I had two in-person interviews set up, one for each place.

     The interviews began yesterday, and I drove up to the place that I had gotten a phone interview before but hadn't gotten any further.  The building itself was so intimidating.  People were coming and going out of there so regularly that it was making me nervous.  How many people work here?  A whole lot, that's what.  I walked past the first office, did a turn, then went back and checked in, thinking someone would come to collect me right away.  A few other people left with their interviewers and then I was collected with another fellow and they dropped him off and then dropped me off back on the first floor, although I really don't think it was worth me walking around with them.  I sat down in front of two people who tag-teamed me an interview the talk went on for half an hour.  It wasn't bad, but by the time I left there, I wasn't excited.
      The next interview is the following Tuesday.  I'll have to write about it later once it's happened, but I've had an in-person interview with this company before.  I don't think it went very well, but it was only the second live interview I'd had in over 10-13 years.  They were conducting this particular type of interview only for the first time, so we were all new and it just didn't come through as well as it could have.  I've been a bit salty about this for a while, but the fact that they're giving me another chance means that I can do better this time.

     And I think I'd decided which job I would like the most IF I get either job.  I'd like to be given the possibility at both of them, but now that I have been within both environments at least briefly, one is definitely more comfortable for me than the other.  But I can't have a final decision until I've been offered at least one of them.
     The problem is if I'm offered the one that starts in January, I hope I'll be offered the other in the meantime so I can choose that one instead.

     Now it just becomes a waiting and planning game.  Trying to 'ace' the second interview in order to get that one.  I want to get started on my new life. I want to get started learning the ins and outs of this other world.  I'm a bit perplexed why one bothers me more than the other.  In essence, they're both call centers, so why is one more exciting than the other?

     Well, if all else fails, I can move on to something else.  I'm a bit ashamed that I don't have a job during the holiday season so I'm feeling a bit sad that I wasn't further along by now.  But, on the other hand, I can't spend my life being miserable either.  I need to find something I'm HAPPY in.  And how can an artistic person be happy at a call center?  They literally asked me that at the interview yesterday...and I said: "oh no worry, I get my creativity out at home."  But...is that really true?  I started realizing that maybe it wasn't.  Maybe I lied.  Would decorating my desk at work be a good enough creative outlet?  Or will I be miserable?
     I wish I could just work on my online business and make that a career.  I haven't found anything even in my personal life that I could just sit and do on a daily basis and not get bored of it.  So I've put myself into a lot of different things.  So how would working in a place where all I did was take phone calls all day long be satisfying?

     So...we'll see.  One more interview to go.

Focus on Me - pt. 1 - Change of Plans

     There's a lot to unload here so I hope you'll be patient with me.  If you're reading this, then kudos to you, and good luck getting through it!

     At the beginning of October, I had the opportunity to get a job again.  There were so many red flags to this though.  First off, I'd applied to this job months before and had forgotten mostly about it because they closed the job listing and hadn't responded to me.  Then I get a poorly written email wanting me to come in after hearing my passion for art restoration.  This was a job with a listing that was for art restoration, digital restoration, needing an art degree, and even though I didn't have an art degree I'd been around art for years and wrote this letter detailing how excited I was to learn the craft.
     I thought it was a craft.  I went in with these super high expectations and my interview was the general manager talking about her life, her ambitions and barely asked me about me.  I should have just said I'll think about it and left.  But I'd been searching for a job for six months and this was the first decent bite I'd received in a while.  So I took it, started my job the next week, and immediately regretted the decision.
     Nothing was organized, nothing was clear to what I should be doing and no one was informed about what my job actually entailed.  By the end of the week, I was being sent out on jobs to talk to people, driving in a large truck for hours at a time to all corners of Ohio and even down into Kentucky.  I wasn't told that this was part of the job, and at first, I thought it would be a once-weekly thing, for jobs that would be high-end art where they didn't know how to talk to these customers.  I thought, okay, I can handle this.
     But then it started to be just basic jobs, go by myself for hours and hours, trudging through these poor people's homes that had burned or had small fires and pulling artwork out, packaging it up and then driving hours again.  This was not in the job description.  Then it became twice a week, and I thought maybe I could handle it, but I started working 9, 10, even 12 hour days.
     My allergies started acting up because of these places, the smoke, the soot, the dust, the smell.  I'd come home and take a shower, change clothes and take allergy meds, hoping not to get sick.  I had a few fevers and then there were the chemicals we used when we were actually cleaning some of these things.  I enjoyed the few hours a week of doing that work, but I was sure it wasn't good for me.
     I trudged on because the others were trudging on.  But I was starting to get those anxiety attacks on the way into work again.  I didn't want to go.  I'd wake up and want to call in sick.  I didn't, but then I started realizing that my co-workers were ALL suffering from the same thing and they were starting to call off.  That left ME doing all of THEIR work.
     And none of this work was what was on the job description!  I was doing pack-outs and driving big box trucks (a skill I didn't know I had until a week ago, and I haven't tried backing them up yet but I could drive straight pretty well.)  But that wasn't what I was told the job was.
     Everyone who worked there was miserable.  The general manager spent 60-80 hours a week and kept saying 'I can't imagine not being here for everyone all the time.' I sat next to her briefly and I just squirmed and felt uncomfortable.  I wanted to be out of there, I realized that no one was happy, and even though most of them were there because they needed the hours, I didn't want the hours I was getting... in fact, I was being forced to work these hours suddenly and if I had been given full-time I'm not sure I would have lasted so long to begin with.

     So after getting through a 12-hour day, getting home over 13 hours after I'd left home that morning, listening to yet another co-worker complain about where we were working (and I had never heard a positive thing about this place in all of these weeks) I was done.  I went home and told my husband I was quitting the next day.
     Now, maybe if I had been able to make a final delivery, seen the happy looks on someone's face once their items were all back to new again and happy...maybe it would have been bearable.  But I never got to do those runs, never got to see anyone pleased.
     No, I got to be called a 'douche' by another pack-out company two days ago.  I pulled the Transit into the driveway of this nice little old lady's house and asked the people inside where she was.  "Don't know, she left ten minutes ago.  Who are you?"  I'm the art person.  I've come for the art.  The what?  I pointed at the paintings, those.  Oh.  The group of five women all sorta looked annoyed that I was invading their space.
     I finally met the homeowner and went upstairs to work out of the way of these other women.  I started to over-hear them complaining about my truck being in the way, that they wanted to go to lunch.  I finally spoke up and said, let me know and I can move to let you out.  So they finally did and I moved my vehicle into the driveway where I could more easily pack up.  But then they got back and were eating, no one said anything about me moving.  I kept working on the main floor now, they knew where I was.  I took some paintings out and I hear over the last remaining vehicle in the driveway on speaker "That douche won't move her truck.  She's blocking the whole drive and we can't get in again."  There was more but by that time I was so surprised that she would be talking on the SPEAKER where I could hear her clearly OUTSIDE of the truck... I hear, "Oh she's outside finally" (I'd been on the first floor in plain sight of everyone while they were eating) and the lady comes out, "Are you going to move?"
     "Sure, I was just getting wrapped up," I said, then as she glared at me and another truck pulled in saying "Because we can't park on the lawn" and then glaring at me from the truck, I finally stopped and said, "And by the way I can HEAR EVERYTHING YOU ARE SAYING."  And I walked in and took my time packing up the rest of everything before moving out of the drive.
     There's nothing like being glared at for doing my job and never being spoken to but behind my back.  The owner said she was next door, so I pulled into that driveway (where I'm sure the other workers could have pulled in this whole time) and went in to talk to her.  The lady was as sweet as could be and her neighbor had given her the run of the house while her house was being worked on.  I felt bad that such disagreeable people were in her house pawing through her things.  I just left.  I had more things I could have packed up and I found out later that the other guy who had come to get the electronics picked up the rest and I was to check all of those things in...

     The thing you have to understand was this job is a number of things.  Dealing with the multiple insurance companies, pack-out companies, cleaning and renovation places, and the poor homeowner who is just trying to get their house back to normal.  The place might have had a small fire that smoked up the entire place and now everything smells.  Putting out the fire might have caused water damage which, if not taken care of properly, might turn into mold and mildew.  The house is covered in soot and water, drywall, insulation, and then there are all of these people who come in to take it all out to clear the house out and start over.
     Basically, the job they gave me was to drive wherever, pack up anything art related, bring it back to catalog it, and then when the insurance companies gave the go-ahead, we would clean it, pack it up, and send it back again.  The houses were filled with soot, dust, insulation, dry-wall and who knows what else and all I was given was a paper face mask and some rubber gloves.
     I came home smelling of smoke, and not just from the job site but from every single employee who smoked cigarettes at every free moment.  My allergies from all of these things were acting up every single day and on Friday when I would be home, I'd just sit around feeling miserable all day.

     After a long, sleepless night, my throat hurting, my sinuses draining, nose running, no sleep and just plain exhausted after a 12-hour day, I got up and went to work.  I took all of the shirts they gave me in a bag, wrote up a couple of letters, and set it on the pile of paperwork with the key on the pile in the GM's office and just left.
     They'd recently cut a bunch of hours but were saying I'd still get all the hours.  Oh, and we'll get you a raise once we get going too... I think it was all this matter of "don't leave us, we have no idea what we're doing."  And I'm thinking this whole time that I should have been trained.  I should have gotten to watch videos on how to do things.  I should have been getting jobs from museums and art centers and spending time working on items in the office.
     I knew if I spent any time telling them I was leaving rather then this method, I'd be guilted into staying...we'll give you anything...  No, well, here's the thing, you got rid of two people who had been working here for over a year, not the person who was here for a month.  You gave me all of their jobs to do.  This was not in the description.  This place is a mess and I don't see any changes happening any time soon.  I'm sorry, my body can't handle doing EVERYTHING.
     Those feelings of anxiety I had when I saw the piles of stock at my other job just building up and my old manager not letting me work on any of it because she knew better and she wanted me doing this nonsense instead... it was all flooding right back to me again.

     I'm headed out here in another hour or so to go do a walk-in-interview somewhere else.  Maybe they won't want me (I've tried applying twice here already) but I'm going to try again.  I just want to work in a clean environment that's organized, where I get training, where people are glad I'm there and I am glad to be there.
     I realized this morning as I drove to work that never once did I celebrate getting this job.  From the very first moment, I didn't want to be there.  Everything inside of my head said, "you can't stay here."  And that's not the job for me.  Even though I could have handled it, I didn't want to put myself through that anymore.

     My husband has been supportive.  I know he's kind of freaking out inside that here we're going into the holiday season and he's feeling a bit more secure in his job but he still doesn't feel completely comfortable there yet.  I'm sure thinking about money is hard and I know that it is troubling, but if I wear myself out I won't be able to get another job.  And at this point...it's not worth it.  I need to have the motivation to do something new and find the excitement again.

     So, change of plans... onwards to a better future!

Focus on My Career - pt. 4 - First Week

     So, I only have a little time to write this so I'll try to be as brief as possible.  I'm not sure what to think of this new job yet, only that I can physically and mentally do it, but I'm really not sure what I've gotten myself into and whether or not it's going to be something I want to do for awhile.

     I mentioned the interview and then bright and early on Monday morning I reported into my first day of work.  The general manager who was supposed to do all of my application and everything had called off after breaking her toe the day before and wasn't going to be in all day.  Immediately I wanted to just leave, but one fellow let me into the art portion of the business and told me to sit down at a computer, the internet was on...although what he thought I'd do on a strange computer with internet... randomly Google things?
     I wandered the rooms for a bit and took a mental inventory of a lot of stuff and then sat on my phone until the first person walked in...not the supervisor...someone else, also not the supervisor... finally she walks in and immediately gets frustrated with her log-in (she gets very frustrated with computers in the morning) and then took me on my second tour, almost as if she was trying to get me to tell her what should be done to get things cleaned up.
     Eventually I managed to get her to start teaching me things until I finally went to lunch out in my car, nearly had a nervous breakdown and proceeded to message everyone I knew that I was going to leave, that this wasn't working out, I wasn't even getting paid and who knew when the manager would be back...  Everyone patiently responded that I should wait it out for a week.
     I went back inside and they gave me a key to the place and sat me down at their computer where they do digital restorations (or as I found out later, all of the old supervisors did but no one there could) and also to fix their very nice photo printer. 
     With something I was finally comfortable with, I spent the afternoon working on getting the computer up and running, getting to learn the brand new Photoshop program they had (but had been screwed up by the previous users) and cleaned out a little piece of metal stuck in the photo printer and got it all working...digital restoration one, complete.  Not perfect, but everyone raved over it, so I guess it wasn't all bad.
     I went home that afternoon and had another anxiety attack and tried to work on finishing up dinner with tears running down my eyes because I was just so frustrated and anxious about all of it and I wasn't sure what to do.  After I ate dinner I started to feel better but I was still not liking this job at all because I felt like they all had this idealized view of me all of a sudden and I wasn't sure where it came from.  Sure, I have framing experience and a little recovery, but I've never been in this business before and they're all looking at me like I've been doing it for years...where did they even get this impression???

     Second day, still anxious but the general manager had returned and we were able to not only get my log in information, she input my previous day into the computer so now, hopefully, I'll be getting paid.  I felt a bit better.  She also said, "Don't worry, we're going to keep you even if we have to chain you here."

WUT?

     I had only worked one full day and not even with her (and barely talked during the interview, remember?) and they're already crazy attached.  I started to get another anxiety attack, but calmed down and worked at what I was now paid to do - cleaning up artwork that's sooty, smoky and came from someone's house fire.
     That's what the job pretty much entails, I was able to really get the gist of it this day as they showed me around (again) and I started reading the tags - this one from a fire, this one from a lightning strike, this one from a flood.
     Basically someone's belongings get ruined and they call in the insurance adjusters who decide whether to just give them money to replace these items or get them repaired if it's more cost-effective and/or if it's something that just can't be replaced.
     Our place gets called in to do quotes or just take everything back with them, the insurance decides whether it will work, then we get to work.  Some things can be repaired, some things can't and we call them "total loss" and they go back to the homeowner.  Sometimes things come back to us again if it's screwed up and then we lose all the money (so they're trying to fix that) and once everything is gone through by the owner the insurance or owner pays us.
     They're backlogged due to some guy who screwed it all up royally and didn't want to do things the way the company was supposed to do them so we keep getting items back and thus the supervisor was freaking out about it.
     The whole second day I wound up doing digital restorations until my eyes were sore and I should have quit because things weren't coming out on the printer like I wanted them to, but that's something I'll have to deal with later.  I already started making a mental list in my mind what we needed to ask the owners of these photos about their images and expectations.

     I felt a bit better going home that day since I had a D&D game to clean the house for and dinner to make and I was able to relax by nearly dying in the game - AGAIN.

     Third day I was warned I'd be going on a trip on the fourth day, but most of it was spent working on photo albums.  Because, yeah, we do that too.  In this case it was removing and cleaning thousands - and I mean THOUSANDS - of photos from this owner's albums and getting them placed in nice clean photo boxes so she could deal with them later.  It was a stress-free day, the gal I don't like wasn't there and except for the supervisor talking a mile-a-minute ALL DAY LONG... I saw a squirrel go by and that's something that I never saw at my previous job.

     Fourth day, we were supposed to leave around 7am but my supervisor got there late and traffic was horrendous through town all day long (we have no idea why) and I ended up having to learn to drive this big "Traverse" (it's what they called it whether that's actually what it was) clear to the other side of the state.  Supervisor talking ALL DAY LONG - AGAIN - I swear there's only a few things about her life I don't know about yet...
     We went to a place that had a dishwasher fire and had sent smoke into the main living space.  The owner didn't want us touching his art though the insurance adjusters did...we both did our job by making the quotes but we both prayed we wouldn't have to touch his stuff because some of these paintings belonged in a museum... 17th century - easily.  Amazing...but stressful. 
     Now, IF we had a nice clean storage area with nice clean work areas to use, maybe.

     Headed to lunch and my supervisor said in the middle of talking about her personal life that "I shouldn't be saying this but to be honest, you should be in this position and I should be in yours."

You know where I said that it felt like I might get moved up in a month if I stayed that long...?  I'm very much wondering if that won't be the case. 

     I guess they've been discussing something along those lines already, that they know I have all of this experience but if that's the case...I don't really know what to do.  I don't really want to make a 40 hour week of this job if I'm not getting any benefits out of it... I just don't know.

    Second place we hit was this couple's split-level that had a garage fire and we had to catalog the whole inventory of artwork inside the house and that took awhile to get it all done and packed up and taken out.  I hoped I wouldn't have nightmares and thankfully I didn't.  I used to have really bad anxiety over fires but I guess the more I'm starting to learn about them the less I'm scared of them.
     We didn't get back to town until 5pm which made my fourth day a 10-hour day plus the hour or more of drive time back and forth.


So...what do I think of this job?  I don't know.  I mean, I really wish they were more organized and I think the place could do with a whole lot of cleaning up.  Do I think that's worth doing at $14/hr...nope.  With no benefits?  Nope.  But, it's interesting and easy and so far I've been able to catch on to the way things work around there, just wishing that the general manager didn't have so many family members working there because some of them are sorta worthless and I know even if I were to get into a higher position I'll never be able to say anything to them.
    But, I guess for now it's a nice change of pace and I know a surprising amount of stuff about this job even without realizing how much the overlap was.  It's just a LOT and the drive is stressful which was part of the reason I had moved where I did some 8 years ago, to make the drive shorter.

Oh well... I guess I'll have to report on week 2 later!
   

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 26 - Introvert vs Extrovert

     I think everyone falls on that line between being an extrovert and an introvert.  They say that even introverts crave human attention from time to time, and yet, get worn out by it.  Extroverts, on the other hand, feed on that human interaction and the more they get the more they want.  That's why many who are extroverted are self-centered oftentimes because they just want to be the focus of attention.  (Not to say extroverts can't be loving, caring, devoted people, because many of them actually pay more attention to others to keep conversations going.)
     Introverts, to a lesser extent, are also self-centered, but mostly because they reflect internally upon themselves more than on others.  Mind you, these self-reflecting creatures can also learn to look outward and care about others as well, and they know the right questions to ask and the best topics to keep others talking, so they don't have to carry a conversation!
     I wonder about myself, and if an extrovert can actually be made into an introvert by simply being made to think that way about themselves.  Could I actually be an extrovert that has just been so coddled over the years that I can't help but get worn out by social interaction?

     The reason I'm writing about this today was because of a thought I had yesterday on my way to lunch with one of my friends.  I had been sitting here at the computer wondering what I was going to accomplish for the rest of the day and also feeling lonely.  After an anxiety-ridden moment, I dropped my friend a message to see if she was going to be free for lunch since she had the day off of work.  Well over a half-hour passed and I did as most anxious people do, I clarified what I meant by meeting... Only if she was free, only if it wasn't out of her way, that sort of thing.
     Then my anxious brain took over and I started thinking about being turned down again.  I keep getting turned down for doing things with people.  I ask if people want to get together, I'm asked whether I want to join someone and when I say yes, they say nevermind.  Things like that make my brain just start really messing with me.
     Take for example today, (I know I'm going on a rabbit trail here) but a friend said they weren't planning on looking at my shop today because they're saving money for this weekend but maybe next week... and I went into a pit of endless Facebook scrolling for a half hour and deleted the entire blog entry I'd already started.  So... yeah, it really messes with someone.  I crawled out of my hole fairly quickly, but I'm still in that place of, 'no one likes me'.
     So, that was my thought, because I realize that even though I've spent most of my life thinking I was introverted, most of the people IN my life thought I was extroverted.  And I, when I get to start hanging out with people, really want someone to hang out with all the time.

     I don't think my friends realize that as they're having all of this fun with other friends, I'm feeling very left out.  I want to have friends with them and their friends.  I'd like to be invited once in a while.  I have so little human interaction lately since I lost my job that I'm going batty here in the house.  I'd really like to be able to get out and do things and talk to people besides my husband and the groups of people that come over once in a while. 
     I spent about eight to ten years after I moved into a new city having very few friends.  I'd met a few people at work from time to time, but after a while realized that no one wanted to do anything with me outside of work.  While other co-workers were going out to lunch together, I was having a packed lunch all by myself in the breakroom.  When others were doing quilting get-togethers after work, I was going home to watch TV and be miserable.  It took a LONG time to get friends again who would want to do things with me again.
     And now that I have a few friends, I'd really like to spend more time with them.  I'd like to go out on the weekends and be asked to go out to lunch.  But, it doesn't happen.  I crave for it to happen, but it's so rare to be asked... and yet this craving doesn't go away.

     So, I might have a tinge more extrovert in me then everyone I know has thought over the years.  I think they believe I'm introverted and I'm completely happy just staying at home and doing things on the internet and not having a job.

     It's actually quite miserable.

     At least for me.  I think a couple other friends I know who don't have jobs are doing okay.  They have their bad moments, but I think overall they don't seem to be miserable by not working.  Unlike me who thrives on hard work and lots to do and maybe that's why these last five months have been so hard on me even though at first I thought it was going to be a great thing.
     I think I really needed all of that social interaction throughout the day, really needed that so I could just go home and relax and be introverted the rest of the time.  But I got that attention, I got the talking out of the way, I got to spend time with my friends, and even though we don't do anything with one another the rest of the time, it was okay when it was like that.

     So, am I really introverted or extroverted?  I have no idea.

     But maybe we're all on both sides a little bit and it just depends on how we're leaning each particular day.

     Meanwhile, on a whole different topic, I'm almost off all of the medications I had been taking.  I'm just sorta wondering what it will feel like to be off all of the fake stuff I keep putting into my body.  I'm still really worried about going off birth control (I never really needed it to keep me balanced, just to make things easier with my husband...)  I know I'm going to be worried again but at least I can see if any of this depression or numbness was because of the pills.  I guess only time will tell.

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 24 - Raising the "Children"

     As of yet, I'm not sure what to title today's blog entry.  I suppose I should come up with something by the end, but if it's still titled "24" you'll know what happened.

     This past week has been a roller coaster of things.  I started out things on a rather drab note, but because I had company coming over early in the week and I'd be gone during the weekend, I decided to concentrate on all of the chores that were necessary, and attempted to move away from my career.  It rather started something like this - be miserable but slog through the weekly chores.  Keep forgetting things because I didn't have a list written down, get more miserable for forgetting to take things out of the freezer or forgetting to go to the grocery store.
     Make myself more miserable by realizing that we shouldn't be eating out all the time for dinners and then guilty because that's what ended up happening a few days this week.  All because I couldn't come up with a grocery list and I keep trying to come up with new things but I only remember the things I've done recently and I didn't want to re-do them all again... or should I?
     Scroll through the job listings and get even worse than before until finally my husband said that even one of his old co-workers said maybe it's best if I just stop looking for a bit.  It's not doing me any good and I'm just miserable doing it because I keep getting turned down.  And he was worried at this point if I got into a job then suddenly I won't be able to help with the convention and I've been doing a lot of that lately and we think it's helping.  (Not that I'm doing any of that today, but I'll get to that in a bit.)
     So, I agreed and decided that maybe I should attempt to convince myself that THIS is what I want to be doing with the rest of my life.  That taking care of the house, being creative, and helping out with the convention is actually better than working and I should be happy having the time to myself.

     A true introvert probably would be happy.  I don't think I'm a true introvert, so instead of making me happy like I always thought it would; I'm miserable and alone with my own thoughts and the only time that I'm relaxed and not depressed is either when I'm writing it all out on paper or I'm doing some task that is so mind-numbing that I can't think about other things.  So sometimes, like today for example, watching TV, cleaning the house and mowing the lawn are my mind-numbing things but then I forgot to go get groceries and plan dinner, and thus I'm behind again; even with a list out on the counter I've started to cross off as I get things accomplished.

     Last week was a mix of all of that.  Wanting to search for a job, convincing myself that it was okay that I didn't, and eventually just getting caught up in having a stomach flu of some sort that I felt miserable and just wanted to watch TV when I wasn't running back and forth to the bathroom.  But I also started to feel a bit better about myself.  Got more things done for the convention, got more painting done, had an order from a family member that I got to mail off, got out of the house and did some shopping.  Got excited about doing things for the weekend.
     Then I tried to pump myself up for the convention stuff and I was kind of excited about all of that while we were having our meeting.  I was pretty happy at the excitement for the artwork and all of the advertising and such and that was pretty cool.  That, after spending a day sick to my stomach and feeling like crap.  And oh yeah, getting yet another rejection letter after all of the time I spent just having no clue why I wasn't hearing from any of the job applications I still had out there.

     And yesterday I really wanted to have a good day.  But I'm miserable because I've gained weight and my outfit was too tight.  I was miserably hot.  I was running to the bathrooms every few hours because of whatever flu it was that still isn't going away.  And I was miserable because I have no job and thus feel like I can't spend anything...and then I allowed myself to get talked into buying this hat that I really didn't like and wished that I could just instead walked away and bought something else I actually wanted...but I wondered if I would feel better.  I didn't.  But I wanted to.  I wanted to have that excited feeling I got when I bought my first potion bottle or when I bought my crystal ball, or perhaps when I bought the outfit that I wore and it was a small and the woman was amazed how well it fit and now it's just too tight because I'm nearly 20lbs heavier again and it was just miserable.

     I really don't want people worrying about me.  I really don't want to tell them that I feel useless.  Sure, maybe I catch someone's eye by posting stuff online, but it's not MINE.... let me explain, as I came up with this idea earlier today.

     My husband, back when we had just met, had taken on the convention just earlier that year and his friends were all pushing him to do his best to grow this thing.  If you wanted to compare it to a child, let's say someone had this kid, then after it turned two years old put it up for adoption and my husband and a couple of his friends took it to start raising it.  I met my husband right about that time and started throwing in my two-cents of how to raise this 'child'.  I didn't have a hand in it myself because I lived too far away, but they took my ideas and got it through its third year.  I didn't really start raising it myself until half-way through it's third year and got to celebrate its fourth birthday.  But, still, I was only helping it in little bits and pieces.  It was still my husband and his friend's 'child'.
     Skip forward to its teenage years and I spent most of my time helping to raise it with my husband and yet his friends (or rather, the vice chair) still acted as if it was HIS and that I had very little to do with it.  Even though I spent hours and hours of my time devoted to clothing, feeding, and bathing it, it still wasn't mine.  Now it's very nearly grown out of its teenage years and I see how much it has grown, that it isn't a child anymore, but here I am, still helping bathe it, still feeding it, still cutting its hair and dressing it, and only just recently have I started to get some of the credit for it.
     Look how much attention its getting on social media!  You're sharing all of these pictures of it and look how popular its getting!  What proud parents we are for watching it grow and doing so well for it!  But, you know, it's HIS kid...  So yeah, it's still my husband's "child" even though I've raised it and helped him nurture it and protect it from all of these people who sought to do what they wanted it.  But, it's not MINE.

     So, that's why I started making up my own business.  This one could be MINE.  This could be my tiny child that I raise up from nothing... but because I'm starting from scratch, it feels so lonely and I feel like I have very little ground to stand on.  I've had to push myself to do this thing - put together the stock and make the website and go to the craft shows and promote myself - all while having this "teenager" hoisted upon me... make him behave.  Watch it, feed it, keep it happy...
     But it's a teenager.  This is a baby - well, rather, this project is so new it's only a few months old, and in order for it to grow I need to spend a LOT more time on it, and yet here I am being stuck raising both, and we all know that teenagers need just as much attention as babies do in their own way.  But what suffers?  The little thing I want to do because I keep having to be forced between one or the other, especially when my husband now has a new job in order to take care of my dead-beat ass.

     Sorry, but that's how I've been feeling and it's a pretty good analogy.  So I figure, maybe I can see things through and maybe once I've gotten past the convention this year I can concentrate on my own project.  Maybe then I can find a job.  Maybe then I can be happy with whatever it is that I can focus on...I just don't know what anymore.

   

Focus on My Career - pt. 1 - Starting Again from Scratch

     After writing twenty-three entries on my "mental health" I realized that most of them have really been more about my career focus; getting a job, interviews and the search.  So, starting today, some of these entries will be more focused on my future career plans and how that is working out.
     This particular entry will most likely be fairly short as if you've read this far you have a pretty good idea about how my career has gone so far.  But, for those of you who have not, this is where I've been so far:

• Started education in the field of writing and received a Bachelor of Arts in English.
• Found a retail job at an art store selling posters and random decorations.
• Worked on novels and attempted to have them published.
• Moved into a retail job working with art and custom framing.
• Started teaching framing, drawing, painting and crafts.  Started selling my paintings and artwork for commissions and artist fairs/conventions.
•  Continued working with conventions and learned how to design graphics and work with media advertising and copy, merchandise design and social media.
• Trained as management and learned supervisory jobs.
• Started my own online business and had my first true craft fair experience.

Job Leads...

• Bold Penguin - a website company that specialized in Insurance for small businesses.  Job was $12/hr but had no parking options... only downside.  No dress code, 9-5, great benefits.  I was stupid and should have gone in for the second interview.
• Quantum Health - an Insurance company with a focus on ease and personal care - had a phone interview for an Assistant Pod Manager job, which apparently was out of my league and I should have applied for an entry level job.
• Beam Dental - a dental Insurance company - had a great phone interview, a great in-person interview...but got passed over for someone with call center experience and the job listing was taken down.
• Supply House - Plumbing and home improvement supply warehouse - interviewed for a secretarial job, but the latest update is that they were still taking applications and interviewing.
• Quantum Health - I bit the bullet and applied...again...but for a Junior RFP Writer position, but in my cover letter mentioned I'd be open for any position even though I was applying to that particular one.

     I think in total I've applied for over 20 different jobs since April.  I've literally had four bites, which has really depressed me.

     When I first lost my job I was so excited and confident.  I just KNEW I'd get a new job and when the first place I applied for (well, one of the first) I got both a phone and an in-person interview and got called for a second...I was so confident in my potential to get a job that I turned it down since it wasn't quite what I was looking for.

     Now, nearly every day I kick myself for not following that path, at least for a short time.  I feel like an idiot because since then I have had no other confidence builders and that push and excitement has now dwindled.

     By the time I had my last interview I was so miserable that I couldn't show the excitement that I first approached those interviews with previously.  The confidence I had when I was applying for jobs has changed to anxiety and the feeling of inferiority.  Will this job even look at my application?  Why would they?  What do I have to offer to someone at my age?  Why did I go so long without trying for a job elsewhere that could use what I had to offer?  Why did I suffer?  What will people think when they look at the gaps in my resume?

     So, here are some of the things I'm going to be looking at over the next few weeks:

1. Re-evaluate my Resume and bring it up to date.
2. Work on writing a concise cover letter for each job application.
3. Research education paths - writing or information/internet technologies?
4. Get a better wardrobe to present myself better.  Dress to impress!
5. Practice Interviews - find a better way to explain how I lost my job.  "I was let go due to policy changes."
6. Try to find new contacts for job possibilities.
7. Stop being so depressed about my situation and get working on what I CAN do.

     Now I need to process all of this, and report back as I manage to overcome some of these hurdles!

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 22 - Craft Show & Intense Anxiety

     Back around the end of March, I made some plans with a friend to head to Indianapolis to watch the Critical Role Live Show.  If you don't know what that is, then you're not as much of a nerd as I am, and that's okay.  It's basically watching a bunch of anime/video game voice actors playing Dungeons & Dragons in front of a live audience of some two thousand or more people.  We happened to get tickets to be two of those people.

     Then the two of us stressed out for weeks hoping that we'd be able to get the time off together and that our terrible manager wouldn't throw a wrench in our plans by telling one of us we couldn't go (because, as I've mentioned so long ago, she didn't want us being friends or spending any time outside of work together...miserable woman.)

     Then just a few weeks later, I got fired and suddenly didn't have to worry about having the day off.  Well, sort of since I'd really hoped I'd have a new job by then and would have the worry about asking for it off instead of worried about what our manager would do to us.  So, with that off the table for the time being, I ceased worrying too much about it.  Then a few months later, my friend got away from that woman and her new job told her it would be fine if she went, she'd just have to do her test a day early (which she passed after only missing one question, so go her!)  Meanwhile...still jobless, I still had no worries with regards to whether I'd have a day off or not.

     Skip forward to May.  After a few weeks of being miserable (and coming down with colds TWICE) I pushed forward in my plan to make money somehow, by actually going after a spot at a craft show at a local church brat fest that I'd been thinking about for quite some time.  I finally got a table!  Got the payment turned in, got the confirmation, I was so excited... and then I realized that the two things were on the EXACT SAME WEEKEND.

     Well....this is awkward.

     I pushed forward with both plans even though as the days crept closer I started to freak out more and more that I couldn't pull it off.  But I had a lot of craft stock done and even though I took time in between to work on my D&D stuff, job application stuff, failing at unemployment stuff, and website/social media stuff...I somehow managed to get enough stock for the craft table and that was pretty awesome.

     But how to cover a table when I'd be out of town and they were very specific about having to have someone there the first day?  Thankfully, that's where my husband and my in-laws came in and we started preparing for them to set it up and run it on day one and then to tell everyone it was a last minute thing that I got tickets to this show and had to go.  Okay, it would have been a lie, but later once that Friday was over, he'd never had to tell the lie even once because no one asked where I was.

     The picture above was the prep setup I did so my husband could take pictures of it and have an idea how to put everything.  He actually sold quite a bit that first day (more then I sold on the last day to be quite honest) and it was a relief to me that no one ever asked about me and for all the staunch rules I was given at the outset - we were still given a form for the next show, so I guess no one actually missed me at all.

     Meanwhile, I was facing a challenge of taking a road trip with someone I'd never taken a road trip with before, hitting all of these stops along the way, and getting to that Live Show I mentioned in a city I'd only visited a few times when I was much younger.  

     I was a bit nervous about it all, but the drive was easy (I'd done 90% of it before) and we had lots to talk about and there were only a few lulls in the conversation but never enough to turn on the radio, and I was super amazed because it's been a long time since I've had a friend with me in a car for a three hour drive that wasn't my husband.  And even longer since I'd stayed in a hotel with someone that wasn't family.

     But it all turned out okay - we made our stops, we got to our hotel in time (even though the payment system online is really lame and was supposed to be paid for in advance but in reality they don't take any money until you check in...so weird).  And we even managed to find a parking spot in that crazy town when the stupid venue parking was filled with food trucks......  Not a happy camper about that honestly - it was so nerve wracking to get back to the car in the middle of this big city after midnight.  I can't say I've done that since my 20's.

     In the middle of it all though, I get a phone call from a job I'd applied to.  They leave a message.  I get to the hotel, I get a busy signal.  Then another...  really?  In this day and age?  Then I get an answering machine.  WUT.  I leave a message.  I have 45 minutes in the hotel room and hear nothing.  I get on the road and am driving in circles around Indianapolis trying to find a parking lot somewhere and they freakin' call back.  I told them I was traveling...  They shoot back they'll be there until 6pm.

     At the restaurant my friend convinces me to call back.  They answer, they schedule an interview - no other talk, nothing - just, can you make it on Tuesday?  Hmmmm.  They'll send an email confirmation.

     I don't get this email until I finally thought to check my Spam three days later.  Not entirely sure this place is on the up and up, if you catch my drift.  I start to worry about whether I should even go.  I'm having a full-on anxiety attack of - nonononononono - but at the same time I think, "but it might be a job, right?"

     And then another friend tells me that she found out the reason I didn't get hired at the other place was because I didn't have call-center experience.  I almost lost it.

I wanted to scream.

     Like ALL those years in retail weren't experience with dealing with phone calls one after another after another??  Do you have this item?  Can you tell me this price?  Why isn't my online order going through?  Can I sign up for a class?  What's wrong with my gift card?  Can I speak to a manager?  ALL WHILE TAKING CARE OF PEOPLE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME.

If ANYTHING... my job was a LOT HARDER then some stupid call center job!!!!

But...I don't have experience in a call center.

Bullshit.

     So... between that and this interview which I feel is going to go no where like every other stinking job interview I've had - plus it's a half hour drive away - the only thing that's even vaguely making my consider still going is a morbid curiosity to go into an area I've never been before.  Apparently it's right next to Amazon or something.  But once I really read this job description, it sounds like this "receptionist" job is actually just "warehouse mom" because you have to man the phones, keep the breakroom food stocked and the supplies stocked... help do shipping when needed, etc etc.

     I have no idea if I'm even going to feel like it tomorrow.  Especially when I'm balancing my husband having these wild swings between - you need to get a job now -  to you shouldn't go to this one... you should help me with the convention - you should do all of this work for me and I'm stuck doing even more housework than normal because his new job will have him away so I'll be back to cooking and cleaning and doing all of the stuff I usually do in my normal housewife fashion...and I honestly am getting so many mixed signals right now.

     Does he want me to help with the convention and keep up the house to keep up my side of the household?

     Or does he want me to get a job and make money and take care of things like we used to do?

     I just don't have a single clue because he swings wildly from "we'll be fine" to "you need to get insurance NOW."

     And I thought that maybe doing this online business thing and craft shows might be a good way to pass the time and start my own business.  I had an enjoyable time listening to everyone (on Saturday and Sunday once I got back from my trip) tell me that things were "cute" or "did you paint these?  They are really good."  And all of those compliments were awesome even if I didn't get as much business as I'd hoped I'd get - it was about what I expected overall.

     But I don't know if I can spend time working on that any more.  And if I get a job, I definitely won't.  Sometimes it really doesn't feel like I have enough time in the day to do all of the things I want to do, even when I force myself to really work, suddenly my day goes from noon to dinner and I have no idea what I accomplished during that time sometimes.

     As usual, this blog was an attempt to square away some of my feelings about things.  I want to feel really excited about stuff but I haven't actually felt relaxed enough to feel happy and in the moment as I would like.  My mind is always on the next thing and worried about getting through it and maybe a moment here and there I really can stop and relax, but I'm starting to get afraid that my body has been so tightly strung it can't unwind anymore.

Help.

Focus on my Mental Health - pt. 21 - Routines

     My week typically goes something like this...

Sunday: Have breakfast, read the paper, catch up on television shows, spend some time outside either walking or gardening, watch more TV, scroll the internet, have a big dinner, and overall just waste a lot of time.

Monday:  Realize I haven't gotten anything new done for my websites and get a bunch of painting done in order to update my Facebook sites, shop site and blogs.

Tuesday:  Clean the house because we're going to have company over that evening to play D&D.  Now that we have a big ol' table (read the previous post if you'd like more details) and since almost everyone lives on this side of town and our FLGS (friendly local gaming store) decided to up and close on us, except for on rare occasions, games are held here.  So, floors swept, kitchen and bathrooms cleaned, etc etc.  Prepare for a game if I am running it that way (which, thankfully I am not currently.)

Wednesday:  Realize I did nothing but clean house all day and return to painting and try to get as much done as possible so that I can schedule posts and can forget about Facebook for the rest of the week.

Thursday: Get burned out and start feeling lethargic and annoyed that no one has bought anything from my shop, no one is responding to my posts anymore and scroll endlessly on Facebook and Reddit.  Maybe do some other household cleaning, make dinner, grocery shop, or anything else that keeps my mind off of feeling like a jobless loser.

Friday:  Most likely I have a D&D game this night or Saturday that I have to prepare for.  Put off planning on it until the day it's due and a few hours before.  Think about it a LOT.  Throw stuff together last minute and attempt to finish painting figures for it and then get overwhelmed and give up and start typing fiercely to get it done in time for dinner and the game.

Saturday: If the game was last night, I feel burned out and just want to relax all day.  If the game is tonight, I realize I wasted all day yesterday by not getting prepared and then have to clean the house again, and don't get the game prepped until a few hours before.  Realize that I've run out of time and should have spent more time on it as when the game actually occurs it's not as engaging as I hoped it would be and disappointed in myself.

REPEAT

     At least, for the last few months, that's how it's been going unless we're gone somewhere for the weekend or someone else is gone and we cancel or postpone games for another time.  I personally think I'm getting a bit burned out with playing so I'm looking forward to having a good week or two to refresh with all of my other plans here in August.  I LIKE playing and have guests over, don't get me wrong, but for YEARS (literally) I never had anyone over except for the occasional family member so now that it happens twice weekly (or heck, last week three times) I feel like my life is swallowed up by this routine that I've been keeping.  And I start to wonder if I'm prepared enough for this craft show that's coming up.
      On the plus side, I know I have well over 60 items - probably onwards of 100 now - and I'll have even more by the time two weeks is up.  But I've also sold a total of 5 things the entire time I've been working this website since April/May and that's sorta depressing.
   
     So...in other news I still haven't heard anything about the job.  My husband went in for an interview for a new job, received the offer, worried about it for three days, talked to everyone he knew and they were all split on whether he should take it or not, then he freaked himself out more by reading about jobs similar to it online, and I kept feeling like a terrible wife because I couldn't tell him that he should take it or not.  He's his own person is how I feel, and yes, he's taking care of me at present, but would less then a $100 a paycheck be worth the extra work that he was likely to take on?  I think once I finally broke down the math with him and told him straight out that if he was going to take the job that he shouldn't be having this mental anguish...he turned it down.
     It's not like he doesn't have a job like me.  I think at this point if I were offered any job I'd take it just to get my butt out of the house and learn something new.  Even if it didn't work out and I hated it, I'd have something new to talk about and possibly start looking all over again.  But, alas, no word after that interview and even though I tell myself it's probably a good thing I don't have the stress to worry about while I'm prepping for everything that's coming up in two weeks... I'm also going through the full anxiety string in my head every thing I paint and every time I stop and think about it.

Things I'm anxious about:

• I won't receive a call which means I wasn't good enough, or didn't ask the right questions or they thought I was too stupid or they don't want me because I didn't have references or anything along those lines.
• I WILL receive the call and they'll want me to start right away and I'll be so stressed out over having to deal with my craft show and my new job that it'll send me into hysterics.
• I'll get the job and everyone will hate me and I'll be as miserable as I was at my previous job.
• I'll go to the craft show and no one will come by and no one will buy anything and now I have hundreds of items that I've spent all this work on and they'll end up just becoming Christmas presents for people because I'll never sell any of it.
• My husband will lose his job and then beat himself up over not taking this other job he's been offered because his company starts having major layoffs or the CEO decides to retire which sends the whole thing into a tailspin.
• Another recession will kick in because of Trump and everything will just be terrible because we'll both be without jobs and struggling to make ends meet and we'll never be able to take the cats to the vet or pay off our cars or our house and....well, you take it from there.

     There's a whole lot more where that came from, but I'm sure you get the gist.  Sometimes I just write it down to get it out of my head.  Does it work?  When I'm in the process of doing it, yes.  A few days later when I start to panic that I've completely overwhelmed myself with all of these projects and won't sell a single one... yeah, so it'll come back and I'll freak out again and again.

Plans I have for the near future:

• Get through the two D&D games for the week and try not to be anxious that everyone hates me.  (my character in one game had an in-game argument with another and it actually started to terrify me even after I realized that I was NOT my character, and this was all role play...it was still kinda odd since I've never played into a game enough to have a discussion like this.)  Also, I keep having these worries that my friends only like me for the game and even though we hang out otherwise, I have crippling anxiety when someone cancels plans with me and I start to want to withdraw from everything.
• Work like a beast to get as much stock done as possible because if I can do that maybe I can sell quite a few things because I'll have enough variety for everyone.
• Try not to fret about not getting a call back after my interview because they're all ill-organized and I'm sure I'd hear from my friend if she thought something wasn't going well.
• Also just concentrate on getting into August and getting through the long weekend and out the other side - hopefully make or break this craft thing I've been trying to hard at.
• If I don't hear from a job by that point, start applying to all the places AGAIN, and see what happens.
• Maybe convince my husband we need to take a short vacation before I begin the job because I think I just need to get out of this house soon before my brain explodes.

     So...that about wraps up quite a bit of what's been going on in my head lately.  I just like to please people and by putting myself out there I want to get results and when I don't it really throws my anxiety into high gear.  I know I've always suffered from these issues, but only more recently have I really paid closer attention to what triggers it.  I know my friends cancelling the meetup yesterday wasn't because they didn't want to be with me (I didn't even invite them, so why did I take it personally?!) but then I felt attacked because I read everything very curtly from those who responded the next day.  And I'm sure I was reading into it that way because I felt sad.

     I need to get out of the routine of feeling bad about myself.  But sometimes you need a little pick me up, you know?  And who better to give you that then your friends?  And I feel bad because I feel like I'm not really close friends with any of them, and I shouldn't be bothered by that but I am and I guess I just really miss having a close friend that's not my husband... I know I've talked about this before but I come back to it often enough in my thoughts.  Maybe it's because of how it always happens slowly and I try to do my best to keep in touch but the next thing I know they've all but stopped talking to me until I just give up...  I don't want to give up this set of friends, it's taken years to get this far.  Oi vey.