Focus on Me - pt 4 - Minecrafting into 2021

Wow...it has been a long time since I've written in here, hasn't it?  All the way through 2019 and through part of 2020 I was pretty much glued to my blogs, trying to get something updated once a week or so, and trying to help my mental health by getting things out of my head an on to "paper".

Now, it's been about six months later and things are, well, more or less the same.  About the same time that I left off of the blogs I started into the game of Minecraft.  It was a free solution to me wanting to create and decorate and explore the world around me (well, free in the sense that I only had to purchase the game but not the materials, that just took time).

I feel like I really need to dig deep into my new obsession with Minecraft.  Here I am, about to go into my 42nd year, and I'm obsessed with this digging, building, and battling game.  At first I played it only on the weekends, spending time with my friends on a shared server and eventually only my husband and I were on there for the most part until then there was me.  My friends still helped me defeat the dragon, still worked on their builds, but eventually they moved on to other games and doing other things.  We'd exhausted pretty much all there was to do - especially since they weren't into building and designing as much as I am.

And obsessed...yes, my evenings were spent exploring and building maps, finding beautiful scenery in this cartoon landscape and it helped me forget about how 2020 sucked.  About the fact I could no longer play D&D with my friends in person, how I barely left the house but to occasionally go to the grocery store or the park to walk.  

In this world... I was free.  I could hang out with my friends (when they were there) or hang out with the NPC villagers which is what I spent a lot of time doing, coming up with small stories and going on adventures to build the most amazing things I could think of.  Of course...this was before I started watching YouTube videos putting anything my mind had come up with to shame thus far...but that's for another time.

My house recreated in Minecraft

When I did discover all of the other builders out there I realized quite quickly that I wanted more challenges.  My husband tried to start up a modded game, and he played with me for a few days, then dropped off each time we'd start up something new.  I'd press on, enjoying every moment until I had my own single player "X-Life" game where I managed to max out everything and had a wonderful village all on my own.

Since then I've played around with other resource packs (the picture above is MizunoCraft16 with some Ghoulcraft thrown in) but I'm pretty happy with how close I could build a replica of a house I live in.  It's not perfect, but since I had the constraints of what blocks are available and not having a whole lot of extra mods...it's not too bad either.

I've thought of doing some other things with this new found obsession, but, overall, I guess my anxiety makes me push a way from going streaming or trying to do other things like that.  Is it bad?  No, absolutely not.  Not every Minecrafter needs to be a Twitch streamer...or YouTuber, but I do like to show off what I've created and I'm proud of the things that I've done with my time even if they aren't physical creations.

Unfortunately, I feel a lot of the time that the push I had two years ago at this time, when I'd lost my job at the craft store and moved into attempting crafts full-time for the summer of 2019... it feels very far away now.  I'm definitely a different person than I was then.  I don't feel like the same excited, bright-eyed, "let's do this!" kind of person I was then.  

But you know, dammit, even if people don't appreciate the time and effort I put into this game... even if they don't seem to care that I want to show them what I've made because it's not tangible...well, screw it.  I AM PROUD of it.  I find relief in these things, no matter how strange it might seem.

And I'll probably keep up with it for a while longer, because that's what brings me comfort.

Focus on Me - pt 4 - Anxiety

   Because I realize I haven't done this for a while, I decided to sit down and do a little bit of self-therapy by writing down what's been going on with me, try to get it out.  I write a diary every day, so you'd think that would be enough, but sometimes a single page in a journal just isn't enough to get those rambling thoughts out to be a relief.
     I think that talking to people would help, but anxiety makes it impossible.  If you've ever had one of those issues that you've talked about over and over again and feel like you're bothering everyone around you by talking about it more than once, you probably have anxiety just like me.  So, it makes it difficult.  I have a couple friends, my husband and my mom and that's just about it.  And feeling like I'm always complaining is a bad feeling.
     So, that's what this blog is for, and I really don't want to sound like a "negative nancy" about it, but that's how things have been going lately.  I'm tired.  I'm exhausted.  My work was pretty good at the beginning of the year because we had plenty of people on staff, but that has dropped off drastically to the point there's maybe a handful every day. 
     They gave me a job to do emails, which was kind of nice for a while, but the busier we got, the more stressed out I got.  Then we started losing people so they expected me to do my job but also do phones, and I realized the other week when I was back on phones permanently, that it was the feeling of helplessness, watching that inbox fill up while I was on the phones that it was causing me the worst anxiety.  We used to be slow enough (or rather we had enough humans to answer phones) that we could bounce between the emails and calls.  Now, it's either straight one or the other with very time to do anything else.
      I was going to start talking to my bosses about this, but then we had to cancel all of the meetings because of how busy we have been, and then they keep asking me to work overtime, and it all compounds.  I don't mind my job, but the fact that we're just so overwhelmed makes me feel that way.

     I kind of miss not having a job, even though I was anxious about that.  But I look around my house every day thinking - I need to get all of this stuff done.  But I don't have the energy to actually do any of it when I'm off of work.  That stresses me out too because my husband makes a mess everywhere he goes and has no sense of urgency to clean it up after himself.  So then I have that on top of me too.
     Thankfully I do have a week scheduled off coming up, and I'd like to go somewhere in order to just get away for a while.  But...we're still in a pandemic.  I just don't know what to do about the stress overall.

     Is this little complaint fest helping any?  Maybe a little bit.  I honestly don't care if anyone reads this but I just want it to be OUT of me.  Even if it's on virtual paper.  I miss people, I miss being around people, but I also am glad I don't have to feel forced to see them either.  I really would like to just leave for a day.  I'd like to just call off work myself and spend some "me" time, but it's been really hard lately because I also have a very strong sense of devotion to my job, even if it is the cause of most of my stress.
      I miss earlier this year when I first started and felt good about everything.  Sigh.

Focus on my Career - pt 8 - Sleepless Night

     I finally reached six months at my new job.  It wasn't celebrated, there wasn't any hoopla, and it was marked only by an email sent out by the people who administer our payroll.  I didn't expect anything really, even though working in a startup small milestones tend to count since there's such high turnover, but things went on as usual.  It's okay, I didn't expect much.
     The winter months went by smoothly, but then things started to roll in a different direction as we went from a team of 20 or so to just a dozen or so.  There was quite a considerable cut in staffing at the beginning of the month, and I spent a sleepless night thinking about how I wasn't part of this one.  Before, when that terrible retail place I worked for decided to make cuts I was almost always on the side that got cut.
     My friend said it's because I have PTSD from my previous job and yes, I think in so many ways I do.  I worry constantly about doing something wrong, making that one mistake that will get me fired, and having my heartbeat out of its chest every time I send off that email.
     At first, my job seemed like a simple call center job, nothing special, help a person get access to their account, explain a bill, or something along those lines.  I knew that I had to verify everyone, but it seemed simple and straight forward.  Then came the quality assurance, which was okay at first until I got back my first results and realized I'd screwed up big time on something so simple and small as one piece of information.  One mark on my record.  I got two more before I could be fired for it.  And each month they go over at least 7 such pieces, so in one month I could screw up and lose my job in an instant.
     It kept me up all night after that first score, and I vowed to do better.  My eyes crossed and I started to freak out about any little thing that didn't quite match, questioning every single email or phone call I took.
     That was before the cuts were made where we lost some people, most likely due to some of those same issues.  Then came another one last week which was a big shock to some of my coworkers.  I just kept plugging along, forever anxious with every email and phone call that I still take, thinking about if I forgot to double-check something or should I trust myself that I would have noticed something wrong?
   
     I finally took a day off for myself.  It's been six months and I've only taken one other day off since the pandemic has made things impossible to go anywhere and everything I had scheduled has been canceled or closed.  But today I wanted a day to sit in the house and not work, not think about my anxiety with sending that next email, and just wanted a day to let everything go.
     Unfortunately, I'm also completely exhausted.  I could barely sleep last night and even though I have all of these plans for myself, I also just barely can get motivated to do any of them.  But maybe that's good?  Maybe that's what I should be doing for myself?  Just relaxing?

     I've also been thinking about my friend who wanted me to work with her originally back in November.  I had gotten a job offer, and I probably could have taken that job, but the one I have now offered perhaps less security, but more money and didn't give me (then) as much anxiety as that one did.  I felt bad.  My friend was disappointed.  I think she thought I let her down, that I abandoned her, and possibly had favored another over her.
     But I saw how happy she was at her new job.  She had a cool new desk, new co-workers who had become her friends, and she had all of these new hobbies she was getting into.  She was posting pictures of her decorations, games she played, and things she was doing.  And her co-workers were starting to comment on her Facebook feed to the point that I know she had added them as friends.
     And me?  I have one friend who I've added on Facebook and that was long before I worked there.  I haven't added anyone else, nor have I made plans with any of them, or tried to reach out in any capacity.  I harken back to that PTSD, worried that at any moment I could lose this job and thus break all contacts. 
      They said when all of those people were fired that we could still "reach out" to them...but I had no way to do that.  I had no contacts with them and thus no ability to say, "hey, how are you doing?"  And that made me sad because my friend has moved on without me and has made all sorts of new friends.
   
     It takes so much for me to open up to new people.  I literally took nearly a decade to make friends with my co-workers at my old job.  And now it feels like I just don't have the ability to reach out at my new job with having to work from home and not being able to get to know people in person.
     I worry about losing the friends I have.  We spent all this time playing D&D together and now it seems things are drifting away even though I've been really trying hard for it not to.  Every time I start to tell a story with a person or a group of people we never seem to finish, and damn it, I really want to finish this one!
     But... it's been over a year now since everything changed, and it's been about three or so months since the pandemic started.  I know we can outlast the closures and the worries about being apart, at least we'll give it our best shot to!  But I also worry about what I need to do to keep everything held together that I've worked so hard at.

     And that's where my sleepless night came from.  That's what ran through my mind over and over again as I tossed and turned.  And hopefully putting this down will help me move past it and relax during the next four days I have off.  I hope.

Focus on My Career - pt. 7 - Anxiety and Job Offers

     Anxiety can be a real bitch.  You don't know when it's going to hit you or for what reason.  I know I've actually suffered from it for a very long time but never had a name to it.  Does that make it better maybe?  I'm not sure.  I'm not sure if addressing it head-on or letting it run its course is the better option.  I've read a little bit recently about facing it and dealing with it as it hits you so that you can remind yourself that whatever that immediate danger your body and brain are trying to warn you about, most of the time it's not actual danger at all.
     I think the earliest attack came around fifth or sixth grade, so I was probably 8-10, it was winter time and we were all bundled up at recess (because back then they still sent us out in the cold and snow!) and I remember wanting to avoid everyone, so went out into the middle of the field, plopped myself down, huddled with my hood over my head and stared at the snow.  Or was it actually summer, and I was looking at flowers?  I honestly don't recall for sure, but I remember not wanting to deal with anyone.  It took a teacher coming over to me to haul me to my feet and take me back inside.
     Spending a lot of time in the secretary's office, with a "stomach ache" was another favorite pastime.
     Another was being JUST stubborn enough that I wasn't allowed to go out to recess and stuck in the library during lunchtime.  Just me and the librarian, browsing books and looking outside and just being happy.
     After researching anxiety in children over the years I can definitely see myself in almost all of the different clues that are now accepted as anxiety.  But no one knew what that was, I was made fun of, I was more sensitive to all of that, I clung to adults who could give me solid answers and didn't judge, didn't give me trouble, and in this age, they would have gotten me into counseling.  Not as if I didn't try to do it myself, but I was only allowed to go about once a month, and after elementary school, there wasn't anyone to go too.

   

Focus on Me - pt. 2 - End of 2019

     The year is drawing to a close and there are so many things going through my head right now.  At the beginning of 2019, I was the first mate of a sinking ship.  My boss hated me and I was just miserably getting by, taking medication for the anxiety, stress, and depression that SHE had caused.  I was holding with it, going down with that ship...  Until my "captain" literally threw me out of the ship.
      I rather liked that metaphor.  I saw this as a sinking ship, all of the crew were desperately attempting to follow the Captain's orders, but as First Mate, I saw the bigger issues, the giant gaping holes in the bow, and instead of getting the sails ready and hoisting the anchor, I wanted to stop the water from getting in.  But the Captain thought I wasn't listening to her orders as she told me to swab the decks and fix the nets... or something stupid along those lines.  She wanted me out of HER way and didn't bother to see what work I was doing to help.
      So, instead of just seeing my point of view or even seeing the things I wanted to do as relevant, she literally set up a plank...then made me walk it...then dumped me overboard.

     I swam in that rough ocean for a long time.  Miserable and wet as my crew tossed me ropes and well-wishes (they tried their best, I have no doubt they would have dragged me back if they thought it would help).
     A day or so later one of them jumped ship after me.  She knew what she was doing and had a little dingy (she is a super talented artist, I should compare her to having an actual escape boat). 
     I continued to swim, looking around for other ships, an island, anything I could.  All the while I would hear about the ship as it continued to sink, or just barely float.  The crew was managing somehow and I heard about it across the sea as I paddled and looked for a way out.
     
     And then one day I found another ship.  It was also barely holding together, but it was something and they all welcomed me on board.  But then I realized they also had a Captain that wasn't doing a good job - nope!  This one stayed in her cabin and shouted orders, didn't want help and didn't want to actually leave her cabin to see what was going on outside on her ship.
     I've never wanted to quit a job that quickly before.  I willfully jumped off that ship!  I swam as hard as I could so they couldn't come back to get me and I realized I was happier in the ocean then attempting to do something for that ship that was never going to happen.

     Now I think I have found a proper ship.  And I hope they're heading to a nice sturdy island where I can finally set my feet on solid ground again.  I worry about it, of course, as I've only been on this ship for a few weeks.  But the Captain is out on the decks on a regular basis, he has multiple first mates, everyone has a job to do on the ship and everyone talks to one another and helps one another.
     I have a very simple, but also very convoluted job on this ship.  I guess the best comparison would be a cartographer.  I had no idea what I was doing, but I was shoved into a small area, showed all of the maps, compasses, and drawing instruments, and then told that at any moment someone might run in and tell me where they wanted to go or where something was, and by the way, you have to also learn how to read the stars too because we're in the middle of the sea.
      Sure, the job at its heart is reading maps to people.  But it's so much more complicated than that because of all of the different factors that are involved.  I had a little over a week of training and then I was left in the room alone with the map and the people who were supposed to stand over me and guide me were too busy with their own jobs.... so yeah, sometimes I feel a bit left out to dry.  But at the same time I've caught on to most of it so perhaps I tell someone East when I mean West, but my anxiety comes from worrying I'm stuck doing this one job, even though it's important, if I stay in this one place I'll never learn how to raise a sail or swab a deck or drive the ship.

      That's a whole lot of metaphors for a call center job.  Hahaha.  I was told that this wasn't a call center, it's less than two dozen people, and everything is moving and shuffling.  People are great to me, and everyone attempts to help me, but I think I've caught on faster than some people, I just need the speed.  Thankfully everyone said it's fine, the speed will come in time, and I can already tell that they're right, but I've always excelled in jobs I've been given over the years, so being patient is difficult for me.
     Especially when all of my other jobs were a frenzy of activity.  This job is me, sitting at a desk, answering phone calls and emails all day, and in between times just staring at my phone (I need to bring books) but when things get ramped up for the year it'll just be answering phones and after just a few days of doing it on my own, I realize I'm not sure my mind will be able to handle the sheer boredom of that...
     At least with tedious chores like folding paper or ringing registers or framing pictures, I got to do something with my hands.  I worry about myself in this job even though it pays so damn well.

      So, as I mentioned, at the beginning of the year I was riding a sinking boat.  Now I'm riding in a boat that keeps growing and moving and changing and I'm blown away by how quickly I've started to get used to that world even though my brain is still anxious over it.

     What will 2020 bring?  I have a week left and my first paycheck coming in a few days.  I have a comfortable home, a loving husband, and I know that everything in my life has changed so much.  Maybe because of all of the trouble I've gone through, I worry about myself thinking everything is too good to be true now.  I can't relax.  But I want to.

     I thought by getting out of my old job that I'd be able to be happy again.  I'd be able to enjoy everything again.  But Halloween came and went in a frenzy.  And now Christmas is here and I don't feel the way I used to.  Mind you we're home alone this year because my Mom is sick.  But it's also super warm outside and we took a walk and I hung around outside with my cat for a while, wearing a short-sleeve shirt.  So, it's weird.
     I didn't go shopping at the stores for a bunch of stuff.  I didn't bring anything but a couple of new Hallmark ornaments home.  I didn't drive around looking at Christmas lights.  I didn't get out of the house much.  I'm looking at my life a whole lot differently than I used to.  I don't want a bunch of things.

     I think I need to learn how to live again.  And also enjoy living.

Maybe that's my real New Year's Resolution - look for joy.  Find the island in this ocean.

Focus on my Career - pt. 6 - More Interviews

    It's been a busy week since I quit my job.

    I don't regret getting out of that other situation.  In fact, I'm happier again.  I've been writing more, painting more, cleaning more, and reading more.  I've been planning things again and baking again.  Things that were a chore before are fun again.  And it's only been a week since I got out of that situation. 
     If you've been reading any amount of these (which, according to hits, there's only been one or two, and most likely someone just dropping by to spam my comments) you'd know that I have been having a bunch of rollercoaster emotions over the past eight months.  I started with anger at losing my job of 17 or so years, then sadness, depression, then a sense of relief and excitement and eventually back into the pits of despair and feeling less than independent.  It's nice to know that I have someone I can depend on, but the guilt of that, even after I try to remind myself that he had gone through something similar when we'd just met.  But he never had to depend on me, so I feel like I shouldn't force him to go through the same thing.
     So, the night before I quit I fixed up my resume and submitted it to a few places that I said I was going to back in October, over a month ago.  I should have just cut and run with that previous job the moment I got there, but I was trying to stick it out because they say you have better chances of getting a new job when you already have one.  I stuck it out much longer then I should have because I was getting miserable a whole lot faster then I had at any of my previous jobs.

     I had applied to both of these places before.  The first one I didn't bother to announce that fact because I had been denied twice already.  I understand the reasoning now, but was pretty crushed then, especially since no one bothered to say "hey, you're not good for this position but we think you'd be good for this one...apply for it instead."  I think if I was a person hiring for a company I'd be more encouraging.  But I guess I'm different than most people.
     The other job I had also applied for, but they were only hiring three people at the time, so I didn't get it.  So when I applied for that one again I said so and said I saw they were hiring again so I'd try again. 
     Over the course of the next few days, I had two phone interviews set up for Tuesday of this week.  Surprisingly they both went over just fine and before I knew it I had two in-person interviews set up, one for each place.

     The interviews began yesterday, and I drove up to the place that I had gotten a phone interview before but hadn't gotten any further.  The building itself was so intimidating.  People were coming and going out of there so regularly that it was making me nervous.  How many people work here?  A whole lot, that's what.  I walked past the first office, did a turn, then went back and checked in, thinking someone would come to collect me right away.  A few other people left with their interviewers and then I was collected with another fellow and they dropped him off and then dropped me off back on the first floor, although I really don't think it was worth me walking around with them.  I sat down in front of two people who tag-teamed me an interview the talk went on for half an hour.  It wasn't bad, but by the time I left there, I wasn't excited.
      The next interview is the following Tuesday.  I'll have to write about it later once it's happened, but I've had an in-person interview with this company before.  I don't think it went very well, but it was only the second live interview I'd had in over 10-13 years.  They were conducting this particular type of interview only for the first time, so we were all new and it just didn't come through as well as it could have.  I've been a bit salty about this for a while, but the fact that they're giving me another chance means that I can do better this time.

     And I think I'd decided which job I would like the most IF I get either job.  I'd like to be given the possibility at both of them, but now that I have been within both environments at least briefly, one is definitely more comfortable for me than the other.  But I can't have a final decision until I've been offered at least one of them.
     The problem is if I'm offered the one that starts in January, I hope I'll be offered the other in the meantime so I can choose that one instead.

     Now it just becomes a waiting and planning game.  Trying to 'ace' the second interview in order to get that one.  I want to get started on my new life. I want to get started learning the ins and outs of this other world.  I'm a bit perplexed why one bothers me more than the other.  In essence, they're both call centers, so why is one more exciting than the other?

     Well, if all else fails, I can move on to something else.  I'm a bit ashamed that I don't have a job during the holiday season so I'm feeling a bit sad that I wasn't further along by now.  But, on the other hand, I can't spend my life being miserable either.  I need to find something I'm HAPPY in.  And how can an artistic person be happy at a call center?  They literally asked me that at the interview yesterday...and I said: "oh no worry, I get my creativity out at home."  But...is that really true?  I started realizing that maybe it wasn't.  Maybe I lied.  Would decorating my desk at work be a good enough creative outlet?  Or will I be miserable?
     I wish I could just work on my online business and make that a career.  I haven't found anything even in my personal life that I could just sit and do on a daily basis and not get bored of it.  So I've put myself into a lot of different things.  So how would working in a place where all I did was take phone calls all day long be satisfying?

     So...we'll see.  One more interview to go.

Focus on Me - pt. 1 - Change of Plans

     There's a lot to unload here so I hope you'll be patient with me.  If you're reading this, then kudos to you, and good luck getting through it!

     At the beginning of October, I had the opportunity to get a job again.  There were so many red flags to this though.  First off, I'd applied to this job months before and had forgotten mostly about it because they closed the job listing and hadn't responded to me.  Then I get a poorly written email wanting me to come in after hearing my passion for art restoration.  This was a job with a listing that was for art restoration, digital restoration, needing an art degree, and even though I didn't have an art degree I'd been around art for years and wrote this letter detailing how excited I was to learn the craft.
     I thought it was a craft.  I went in with these super high expectations and my interview was the general manager talking about her life, her ambitions and barely asked me about me.  I should have just said I'll think about it and left.  But I'd been searching for a job for six months and this was the first decent bite I'd received in a while.  So I took it, started my job the next week, and immediately regretted the decision.
     Nothing was organized, nothing was clear to what I should be doing and no one was informed about what my job actually entailed.  By the end of the week, I was being sent out on jobs to talk to people, driving in a large truck for hours at a time to all corners of Ohio and even down into Kentucky.  I wasn't told that this was part of the job, and at first, I thought it would be a once-weekly thing, for jobs that would be high-end art where they didn't know how to talk to these customers.  I thought, okay, I can handle this.
     But then it started to be just basic jobs, go by myself for hours and hours, trudging through these poor people's homes that had burned or had small fires and pulling artwork out, packaging it up and then driving hours again.  This was not in the job description.  Then it became twice a week, and I thought maybe I could handle it, but I started working 9, 10, even 12 hour days.
     My allergies started acting up because of these places, the smoke, the soot, the dust, the smell.  I'd come home and take a shower, change clothes and take allergy meds, hoping not to get sick.  I had a few fevers and then there were the chemicals we used when we were actually cleaning some of these things.  I enjoyed the few hours a week of doing that work, but I was sure it wasn't good for me.
     I trudged on because the others were trudging on.  But I was starting to get those anxiety attacks on the way into work again.  I didn't want to go.  I'd wake up and want to call in sick.  I didn't, but then I started realizing that my co-workers were ALL suffering from the same thing and they were starting to call off.  That left ME doing all of THEIR work.
     And none of this work was what was on the job description!  I was doing pack-outs and driving big box trucks (a skill I didn't know I had until a week ago, and I haven't tried backing them up yet but I could drive straight pretty well.)  But that wasn't what I was told the job was.
     Everyone who worked there was miserable.  The general manager spent 60-80 hours a week and kept saying 'I can't imagine not being here for everyone all the time.' I sat next to her briefly and I just squirmed and felt uncomfortable.  I wanted to be out of there, I realized that no one was happy, and even though most of them were there because they needed the hours, I didn't want the hours I was getting... in fact, I was being forced to work these hours suddenly and if I had been given full-time I'm not sure I would have lasted so long to begin with.

     So after getting through a 12-hour day, getting home over 13 hours after I'd left home that morning, listening to yet another co-worker complain about where we were working (and I had never heard a positive thing about this place in all of these weeks) I was done.  I went home and told my husband I was quitting the next day.
     Now, maybe if I had been able to make a final delivery, seen the happy looks on someone's face once their items were all back to new again and happy...maybe it would have been bearable.  But I never got to do those runs, never got to see anyone pleased.
     No, I got to be called a 'douche' by another pack-out company two days ago.  I pulled the Transit into the driveway of this nice little old lady's house and asked the people inside where she was.  "Don't know, she left ten minutes ago.  Who are you?"  I'm the art person.  I've come for the art.  The what?  I pointed at the paintings, those.  Oh.  The group of five women all sorta looked annoyed that I was invading their space.
     I finally met the homeowner and went upstairs to work out of the way of these other women.  I started to over-hear them complaining about my truck being in the way, that they wanted to go to lunch.  I finally spoke up and said, let me know and I can move to let you out.  So they finally did and I moved my vehicle into the driveway where I could more easily pack up.  But then they got back and were eating, no one said anything about me moving.  I kept working on the main floor now, they knew where I was.  I took some paintings out and I hear over the last remaining vehicle in the driveway on speaker "That douche won't move her truck.  She's blocking the whole drive and we can't get in again."  There was more but by that time I was so surprised that she would be talking on the SPEAKER where I could hear her clearly OUTSIDE of the truck... I hear, "Oh she's outside finally" (I'd been on the first floor in plain sight of everyone while they were eating) and the lady comes out, "Are you going to move?"
     "Sure, I was just getting wrapped up," I said, then as she glared at me and another truck pulled in saying "Because we can't park on the lawn" and then glaring at me from the truck, I finally stopped and said, "And by the way I can HEAR EVERYTHING YOU ARE SAYING."  And I walked in and took my time packing up the rest of everything before moving out of the drive.
     There's nothing like being glared at for doing my job and never being spoken to but behind my back.  The owner said she was next door, so I pulled into that driveway (where I'm sure the other workers could have pulled in this whole time) and went in to talk to her.  The lady was as sweet as could be and her neighbor had given her the run of the house while her house was being worked on.  I felt bad that such disagreeable people were in her house pawing through her things.  I just left.  I had more things I could have packed up and I found out later that the other guy who had come to get the electronics picked up the rest and I was to check all of those things in...

     The thing you have to understand was this job is a number of things.  Dealing with the multiple insurance companies, pack-out companies, cleaning and renovation places, and the poor homeowner who is just trying to get their house back to normal.  The place might have had a small fire that smoked up the entire place and now everything smells.  Putting out the fire might have caused water damage which, if not taken care of properly, might turn into mold and mildew.  The house is covered in soot and water, drywall, insulation, and then there are all of these people who come in to take it all out to clear the house out and start over.
     Basically, the job they gave me was to drive wherever, pack up anything art related, bring it back to catalog it, and then when the insurance companies gave the go-ahead, we would clean it, pack it up, and send it back again.  The houses were filled with soot, dust, insulation, dry-wall and who knows what else and all I was given was a paper face mask and some rubber gloves.
     I came home smelling of smoke, and not just from the job site but from every single employee who smoked cigarettes at every free moment.  My allergies from all of these things were acting up every single day and on Friday when I would be home, I'd just sit around feeling miserable all day.

     After a long, sleepless night, my throat hurting, my sinuses draining, nose running, no sleep and just plain exhausted after a 12-hour day, I got up and went to work.  I took all of the shirts they gave me in a bag, wrote up a couple of letters, and set it on the pile of paperwork with the key on the pile in the GM's office and just left.
     They'd recently cut a bunch of hours but were saying I'd still get all the hours.  Oh, and we'll get you a raise once we get going too... I think it was all this matter of "don't leave us, we have no idea what we're doing."  And I'm thinking this whole time that I should have been trained.  I should have gotten to watch videos on how to do things.  I should have been getting jobs from museums and art centers and spending time working on items in the office.
     I knew if I spent any time telling them I was leaving rather then this method, I'd be guilted into staying...we'll give you anything...  No, well, here's the thing, you got rid of two people who had been working here for over a year, not the person who was here for a month.  You gave me all of their jobs to do.  This was not in the description.  This place is a mess and I don't see any changes happening any time soon.  I'm sorry, my body can't handle doing EVERYTHING.
     Those feelings of anxiety I had when I saw the piles of stock at my other job just building up and my old manager not letting me work on any of it because she knew better and she wanted me doing this nonsense instead... it was all flooding right back to me again.

     I'm headed out here in another hour or so to go do a walk-in-interview somewhere else.  Maybe they won't want me (I've tried applying twice here already) but I'm going to try again.  I just want to work in a clean environment that's organized, where I get training, where people are glad I'm there and I am glad to be there.
     I realized this morning as I drove to work that never once did I celebrate getting this job.  From the very first moment, I didn't want to be there.  Everything inside of my head said, "you can't stay here."  And that's not the job for me.  Even though I could have handled it, I didn't want to put myself through that anymore.

     My husband has been supportive.  I know he's kind of freaking out inside that here we're going into the holiday season and he's feeling a bit more secure in his job but he still doesn't feel completely comfortable there yet.  I'm sure thinking about money is hard and I know that it is troubling, but if I wear myself out I won't be able to get another job.  And at this point...it's not worth it.  I need to have the motivation to do something new and find the excitement again.

     So, change of plans... onwards to a better future!

Focus on My Career - pt. 4 - First Week

     So, I only have a little time to write this so I'll try to be as brief as possible.  I'm not sure what to think of this new job yet, only that I can physically and mentally do it, but I'm really not sure what I've gotten myself into and whether or not it's going to be something I want to do for awhile.

     I mentioned the interview and then bright and early on Monday morning I reported into my first day of work.  The general manager who was supposed to do all of my application and everything had called off after breaking her toe the day before and wasn't going to be in all day.  Immediately I wanted to just leave, but one fellow let me into the art portion of the business and told me to sit down at a computer, the internet was on...although what he thought I'd do on a strange computer with internet... randomly Google things?
     I wandered the rooms for a bit and took a mental inventory of a lot of stuff and then sat on my phone until the first person walked in...not the supervisor...someone else, also not the supervisor... finally she walks in and immediately gets frustrated with her log-in (she gets very frustrated with computers in the morning) and then took me on my second tour, almost as if she was trying to get me to tell her what should be done to get things cleaned up.
     Eventually I managed to get her to start teaching me things until I finally went to lunch out in my car, nearly had a nervous breakdown and proceeded to message everyone I knew that I was going to leave, that this wasn't working out, I wasn't even getting paid and who knew when the manager would be back...  Everyone patiently responded that I should wait it out for a week.
     I went back inside and they gave me a key to the place and sat me down at their computer where they do digital restorations (or as I found out later, all of the old supervisors did but no one there could) and also to fix their very nice photo printer. 
     With something I was finally comfortable with, I spent the afternoon working on getting the computer up and running, getting to learn the brand new Photoshop program they had (but had been screwed up by the previous users) and cleaned out a little piece of metal stuck in the photo printer and got it all working...digital restoration one, complete.  Not perfect, but everyone raved over it, so I guess it wasn't all bad.
     I went home that afternoon and had another anxiety attack and tried to work on finishing up dinner with tears running down my eyes because I was just so frustrated and anxious about all of it and I wasn't sure what to do.  After I ate dinner I started to feel better but I was still not liking this job at all because I felt like they all had this idealized view of me all of a sudden and I wasn't sure where it came from.  Sure, I have framing experience and a little recovery, but I've never been in this business before and they're all looking at me like I've been doing it for years...where did they even get this impression???

     Second day, still anxious but the general manager had returned and we were able to not only get my log in information, she input my previous day into the computer so now, hopefully, I'll be getting paid.  I felt a bit better.  She also said, "Don't worry, we're going to keep you even if we have to chain you here."

WUT?

     I had only worked one full day and not even with her (and barely talked during the interview, remember?) and they're already crazy attached.  I started to get another anxiety attack, but calmed down and worked at what I was now paid to do - cleaning up artwork that's sooty, smoky and came from someone's house fire.
     That's what the job pretty much entails, I was able to really get the gist of it this day as they showed me around (again) and I started reading the tags - this one from a fire, this one from a lightning strike, this one from a flood.
     Basically someone's belongings get ruined and they call in the insurance adjusters who decide whether to just give them money to replace these items or get them repaired if it's more cost-effective and/or if it's something that just can't be replaced.
     Our place gets called in to do quotes or just take everything back with them, the insurance decides whether it will work, then we get to work.  Some things can be repaired, some things can't and we call them "total loss" and they go back to the homeowner.  Sometimes things come back to us again if it's screwed up and then we lose all the money (so they're trying to fix that) and once everything is gone through by the owner the insurance or owner pays us.
     They're backlogged due to some guy who screwed it all up royally and didn't want to do things the way the company was supposed to do them so we keep getting items back and thus the supervisor was freaking out about it.
     The whole second day I wound up doing digital restorations until my eyes were sore and I should have quit because things weren't coming out on the printer like I wanted them to, but that's something I'll have to deal with later.  I already started making a mental list in my mind what we needed to ask the owners of these photos about their images and expectations.

     I felt a bit better going home that day since I had a D&D game to clean the house for and dinner to make and I was able to relax by nearly dying in the game - AGAIN.

     Third day I was warned I'd be going on a trip on the fourth day, but most of it was spent working on photo albums.  Because, yeah, we do that too.  In this case it was removing and cleaning thousands - and I mean THOUSANDS - of photos from this owner's albums and getting them placed in nice clean photo boxes so she could deal with them later.  It was a stress-free day, the gal I don't like wasn't there and except for the supervisor talking a mile-a-minute ALL DAY LONG... I saw a squirrel go by and that's something that I never saw at my previous job.

     Fourth day, we were supposed to leave around 7am but my supervisor got there late and traffic was horrendous through town all day long (we have no idea why) and I ended up having to learn to drive this big "Traverse" (it's what they called it whether that's actually what it was) clear to the other side of the state.  Supervisor talking ALL DAY LONG - AGAIN - I swear there's only a few things about her life I don't know about yet...
     We went to a place that had a dishwasher fire and had sent smoke into the main living space.  The owner didn't want us touching his art though the insurance adjusters did...we both did our job by making the quotes but we both prayed we wouldn't have to touch his stuff because some of these paintings belonged in a museum... 17th century - easily.  Amazing...but stressful. 
     Now, IF we had a nice clean storage area with nice clean work areas to use, maybe.

     Headed to lunch and my supervisor said in the middle of talking about her personal life that "I shouldn't be saying this but to be honest, you should be in this position and I should be in yours."

You know where I said that it felt like I might get moved up in a month if I stayed that long...?  I'm very much wondering if that won't be the case. 

     I guess they've been discussing something along those lines already, that they know I have all of this experience but if that's the case...I don't really know what to do.  I don't really want to make a 40 hour week of this job if I'm not getting any benefits out of it... I just don't know.

    Second place we hit was this couple's split-level that had a garage fire and we had to catalog the whole inventory of artwork inside the house and that took awhile to get it all done and packed up and taken out.  I hoped I wouldn't have nightmares and thankfully I didn't.  I used to have really bad anxiety over fires but I guess the more I'm starting to learn about them the less I'm scared of them.
     We didn't get back to town until 5pm which made my fourth day a 10-hour day plus the hour or more of drive time back and forth.


So...what do I think of this job?  I don't know.  I mean, I really wish they were more organized and I think the place could do with a whole lot of cleaning up.  Do I think that's worth doing at $14/hr...nope.  With no benefits?  Nope.  But, it's interesting and easy and so far I've been able to catch on to the way things work around there, just wishing that the general manager didn't have so many family members working there because some of them are sorta worthless and I know even if I were to get into a higher position I'll never be able to say anything to them.
    But, I guess for now it's a nice change of pace and I know a surprising amount of stuff about this job even without realizing how much the overlap was.  It's just a LOT and the drive is stressful which was part of the reason I had moved where I did some 8 years ago, to make the drive shorter.

Oh well... I guess I'll have to report on week 2 later!
   

Focus on my Career - pt. 3 - The New Job

     So I start my new job on Monday morning.

     I applied to the job months ago, got an email from Indeed saying they had received 30+ applications and closed the job.  I didn't get an email, no interview, no phone calls, nothing, so I just wrote it off and went on my way.
      Then on Thursday, I received a message from them that they wanted me to come in.  I emailed them back saying I was open any time this week and after a confusing letter saying "I'm not available tomorrow but Monday" (I never mentioned being free Friday) I suddenly had an interview.

     "Interview" isn't actually the right term really.  I went in, learned about the past history of the GM and the business, we discussed my availability and then she offered me the job.  This happened over the course of an hour, and the majority of my words were just agreeing and saying "that's okay" over and over again.

     So... why did I take a job where no one even asked me about my previous experience?

     Maybe because I felt needed.  The other jobs I have applied to over the past few months haven't needed me.  I'd become just another number and yet, they still didn't actually want me and I haven't figured out why.  Maybe because I wasn't needed.  Is my personality too strong?
      The thing I saw around me as we toured the warehouse was a disaster zone that felt different but also very familiar to the frame shops I've walked into over the years.  It rather felt like I was walking into a shop where they kept getting returns and the shop head just said "nope" and walked away (which, apparently, was fairly accurate, as the last guy left back in April.)
      So, feeling needed and feeling like maybe I could actually help these people really got my interest up so I accepted the job and we'll see where it goes.  There were a few other appealing things, like being able to choose my own schedule and it's sorta full time but could probably get there eventually if I ask for it.
      But there's also the downfall of very few benefits due to the owner sorta just treating this as his piggybank but I have a feeling allowing it to fall apart.  The only reason it's working out is the GM but she's overworked and trying to hold it together and because she keeps bringing family members in to be bodies they're all just sorta getting by, putting their hands in this piggybank too.

     I might be walking into a real horror show.  I'm fully prepared for something big to happen and for me not to have a job much longer, but as long as I can keep at it until I can finally find something else, it will fill in my resume a bit more for now.

---------------------

Originally this blog was a lot longer but I realized that I should probably just keep it all to a minimum until I have a better understanding of this job and actually have my first day there.  I don't want to shoot myself in the foot either because again, I'm writing this blog and it IS out there for anyone to read.  So, I took out a lot of the actual discussion that took place because it might be too recognizable for where I'm going.  Just minimum details for now.

I realize that I'm going to have a hard time not stepping on anyone's feet.  The GM told me that those working under her were just "okay" and she "has no problem moving someone from full time to part or vice versa if they aren't working right" - so at first, I was thinking "oh crap, you mean I gotta really bust my butt to make this work."  The more I think about it though, the more I begin to think about the employees I saw there that day and the complete and utter lack of work they were doing...even though they were supposedly behind.  So, what I think she was actually referring to is that after a month if I'm doing well she'll drop someone else and I'll take over for them.  Apparently, my cover letter had actually really impressed her that much.

I can already see myself going in and taking over, cleaning and moving things around and getting things in order and because unlike my previous job where I was hired to do that, I don't want to create enemies so quickly.

She just kept saying "it'll be nice to have someone in that's older..."  Well then.

We'll see.

Currently, in my mind, I plan on being there for at least the next few weeks, feel it out, see what's possible, get a feeling for the place, and then reevaluate whether I should go for another job soon.  I need to get through Tsubasacon first though.  I know for a fact that unless they start turning things around and being more professional that I'll have to leave anyway because there's no way I can work there very long without paid time off and a 401K...although I may just start making one of those on my own.

It's just going to be nice to have a purpose for a while I guess.

Focus on My Career - pt. 2 - Getting Nowhere Fast

     Going to be a fairly short update today as I don't have a lot of stuff to share.  I think I've said that before though and then went off on some tangent; so you really never know now, do you?

     So last week came and went and I completely re-vamped my resume and started to get pumped about submitting it for another job.  About once a week I get really excited and that usually lasts until the moment I go to submit the resume or application.  Then my anxiety gets the better of me, and if the whole process is short, then I usually get through it, but if it takes too long, I sometimes chicken out, doubt myself, and back out of the whole process.  Unfortunately, that's happened a few times and at least once last week.
     I had that resume all written up beautifully, put the cover letter together, and finally hit that "send" button and then held my breath as the webpage reset and I got the email reply.  'Okay,' I think, 'Here goes nothing.'
     It's been not quite a week now, and I'm pretty sure I was right... nothing.
   
     After a few days of waiting for anything besides a generic email to come back, I started to look for jobs again and found a couple more I thought about applying for, but by the time I got through the ridiculously long application process, I gave up because I realized I wasn't sure how to approach the straight-forward question of, "if you were fired, why?"
     I turned to Reddit for an answer and received just one reply: "don't tell them the truth, just say you parted ways with the company."
     Great, that's so helpful.

     The weekend came and went and I couldn't look at the job postings again.  I concentrated instead on having a good weekend because most likely I wasn't going to hear anything form anyone during a weekend anyway, and I was correct.  It was phone/email/radio silence (so to speak).  I almost started wondering if I should check to see if my email wasn't blocked off completely out there because no one seems to be sending me anything except for junk mail from the various job websites where I've applied.

     Of course, my days seem to be filled with working on things for the family 'business' - or rather, 'our baby' - which is the anime convention Tsubasacon.  It's basically a child we've been raising for 16 years and it still hasn't graduated and moved out on its own yet.  Maybe another year or two?
     Since I haven't had a paying job, this has been my life for the past few months and since we only have a month or two left to "go time" I've been working on graphics and social media and all of that other fun stuff... Well, fun isn't exactly the word I'd call it, but I don't want to be crude either.  I don't mind doing convention stuff, but I think I would have been so much more excited about it had I just quit my previous job to do it rather than having it shoved at me by my husband since I have yet to find another actual job.  Sorta like - if you're not working - here's a bunch of work.

     (On another note, he also makes me do almost all of the housework and cooking and all now that I'm off so I hardly have time to submit applications and try to get things done for my craft table as I'm constantly working on all of this convention stuff and household stuff all the time.)

     Then, there's my friends.  I am really attempting to pull myself out of this funk, but each time they post a picture of their desks at their new jobs, every time they talk about some great thing they did at this company they hired on at, each time they talk about their Monday-Friday schedules...I just want to cry.
     I never wanted that sort of lifestyle but it's all I can think about now.  I want to feel needed.  I want to feel like I'm of use to someone.  I hate this feeling of rejection and feeling stupid.  I guess it's my fault for internally always feeling high and mighty for being so smart...I'm not smart.  I'm an idiot who didn't follow the right path for schooling and now those friends who may be in debt at least have jobs in which to pay it off, whereas me with no debt have been ignored because no one gives a crap about some retail chick who got fired because who wants to hire someone who's only been in crappy jobs for the last 20 years?
     I know my friends are showing me these things because they are excited and happy for themselves and they're trying to get me to come work with them.  But when those places aren't even looking at my resumes or treating my interviews with any amount of interest...and all I get are "sorry" responses...I just don't know what to do.

     I know that I should feel happy because all of those 20 years I spent working I wished that I could not be working.  But I wanted it to be my choice.  This was not my choice.  This is me wishing I could be doing something else about now.  Or at the very least having my chosen profession being my crafting hobby and getting something out of that... nope.
     And I pray over and over that I'll hear something and I feel more and more left behind by my friends and useless and I really don't want to feel like this because I'm sure I'm not all that fun to be around when I'm whining so much.  But I just don't want to settle for some retail or service job again because I'll be even more miserable with everyone happily hanging out at their desks while I still don't have a desk (besides the one I'm typing at here at home right now) because I'm too stupid to get an actual job.

     So...that's it.  There's not much else to report.  I'm plugging along with various things and trying to fit time in between all of these design tasks I keep being given (for no pay mind you) to submit resumes and then getting nothing back for my trouble.  I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Focus on My Career - pt. 1 - Starting Again from Scratch

     After writing twenty-three entries on my "mental health" I realized that most of them have really been more about my career focus; getting a job, interviews and the search.  So, starting today, some of these entries will be more focused on my future career plans and how that is working out.
     This particular entry will most likely be fairly short as if you've read this far you have a pretty good idea about how my career has gone so far.  But, for those of you who have not, this is where I've been so far:

• Started education in the field of writing and received a Bachelor of Arts in English.
• Found a retail job at an art store selling posters and random decorations.
• Worked on novels and attempted to have them published.
• Moved into a retail job working with art and custom framing.
• Started teaching framing, drawing, painting and crafts.  Started selling my paintings and artwork for commissions and artist fairs/conventions.
•  Continued working with conventions and learned how to design graphics and work with media advertising and copy, merchandise design and social media.
• Trained as management and learned supervisory jobs.
• Started my own online business and had my first true craft fair experience.

Job Leads...

• Bold Penguin - a website company that specialized in Insurance for small businesses.  Job was $12/hr but had no parking options... only downside.  No dress code, 9-5, great benefits.  I was stupid and should have gone in for the second interview.
• Quantum Health - an Insurance company with a focus on ease and personal care - had a phone interview for an Assistant Pod Manager job, which apparently was out of my league and I should have applied for an entry level job.
• Beam Dental - a dental Insurance company - had a great phone interview, a great in-person interview...but got passed over for someone with call center experience and the job listing was taken down.
• Supply House - Plumbing and home improvement supply warehouse - interviewed for a secretarial job, but the latest update is that they were still taking applications and interviewing.
• Quantum Health - I bit the bullet and applied...again...but for a Junior RFP Writer position, but in my cover letter mentioned I'd be open for any position even though I was applying to that particular one.

     I think in total I've applied for over 20 different jobs since April.  I've literally had four bites, which has really depressed me.

     When I first lost my job I was so excited and confident.  I just KNEW I'd get a new job and when the first place I applied for (well, one of the first) I got both a phone and an in-person interview and got called for a second...I was so confident in my potential to get a job that I turned it down since it wasn't quite what I was looking for.

     Now, nearly every day I kick myself for not following that path, at least for a short time.  I feel like an idiot because since then I have had no other confidence builders and that push and excitement has now dwindled.

     By the time I had my last interview I was so miserable that I couldn't show the excitement that I first approached those interviews with previously.  The confidence I had when I was applying for jobs has changed to anxiety and the feeling of inferiority.  Will this job even look at my application?  Why would they?  What do I have to offer to someone at my age?  Why did I go so long without trying for a job elsewhere that could use what I had to offer?  Why did I suffer?  What will people think when they look at the gaps in my resume?

     So, here are some of the things I'm going to be looking at over the next few weeks:

1. Re-evaluate my Resume and bring it up to date.
2. Work on writing a concise cover letter for each job application.
3. Research education paths - writing or information/internet technologies?
4. Get a better wardrobe to present myself better.  Dress to impress!
5. Practice Interviews - find a better way to explain how I lost my job.  "I was let go due to policy changes."
6. Try to find new contacts for job possibilities.
7. Stop being so depressed about my situation and get working on what I CAN do.

     Now I need to process all of this, and report back as I manage to overcome some of these hurdles!

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 22 - Craft Show & Intense Anxiety

     Back around the end of March, I made some plans with a friend to head to Indianapolis to watch the Critical Role Live Show.  If you don't know what that is, then you're not as much of a nerd as I am, and that's okay.  It's basically watching a bunch of anime/video game voice actors playing Dungeons & Dragons in front of a live audience of some two thousand or more people.  We happened to get tickets to be two of those people.

     Then the two of us stressed out for weeks hoping that we'd be able to get the time off together and that our terrible manager wouldn't throw a wrench in our plans by telling one of us we couldn't go (because, as I've mentioned so long ago, she didn't want us being friends or spending any time outside of work together...miserable woman.)

     Then just a few weeks later, I got fired and suddenly didn't have to worry about having the day off.  Well, sort of since I'd really hoped I'd have a new job by then and would have the worry about asking for it off instead of worried about what our manager would do to us.  So, with that off the table for the time being, I ceased worrying too much about it.  Then a few months later, my friend got away from that woman and her new job told her it would be fine if she went, she'd just have to do her test a day early (which she passed after only missing one question, so go her!)  Meanwhile...still jobless, I still had no worries with regards to whether I'd have a day off or not.

     Skip forward to May.  After a few weeks of being miserable (and coming down with colds TWICE) I pushed forward in my plan to make money somehow, by actually going after a spot at a craft show at a local church brat fest that I'd been thinking about for quite some time.  I finally got a table!  Got the payment turned in, got the confirmation, I was so excited... and then I realized that the two things were on the EXACT SAME WEEKEND.

     Well....this is awkward.

     I pushed forward with both plans even though as the days crept closer I started to freak out more and more that I couldn't pull it off.  But I had a lot of craft stock done and even though I took time in between to work on my D&D stuff, job application stuff, failing at unemployment stuff, and website/social media stuff...I somehow managed to get enough stock for the craft table and that was pretty awesome.

     But how to cover a table when I'd be out of town and they were very specific about having to have someone there the first day?  Thankfully, that's where my husband and my in-laws came in and we started preparing for them to set it up and run it on day one and then to tell everyone it was a last minute thing that I got tickets to this show and had to go.  Okay, it would have been a lie, but later once that Friday was over, he'd never had to tell the lie even once because no one asked where I was.

     The picture above was the prep setup I did so my husband could take pictures of it and have an idea how to put everything.  He actually sold quite a bit that first day (more then I sold on the last day to be quite honest) and it was a relief to me that no one ever asked about me and for all the staunch rules I was given at the outset - we were still given a form for the next show, so I guess no one actually missed me at all.

     Meanwhile, I was facing a challenge of taking a road trip with someone I'd never taken a road trip with before, hitting all of these stops along the way, and getting to that Live Show I mentioned in a city I'd only visited a few times when I was much younger.  

     I was a bit nervous about it all, but the drive was easy (I'd done 90% of it before) and we had lots to talk about and there were only a few lulls in the conversation but never enough to turn on the radio, and I was super amazed because it's been a long time since I've had a friend with me in a car for a three hour drive that wasn't my husband.  And even longer since I'd stayed in a hotel with someone that wasn't family.

     But it all turned out okay - we made our stops, we got to our hotel in time (even though the payment system online is really lame and was supposed to be paid for in advance but in reality they don't take any money until you check in...so weird).  And we even managed to find a parking spot in that crazy town when the stupid venue parking was filled with food trucks......  Not a happy camper about that honestly - it was so nerve wracking to get back to the car in the middle of this big city after midnight.  I can't say I've done that since my 20's.

     In the middle of it all though, I get a phone call from a job I'd applied to.  They leave a message.  I get to the hotel, I get a busy signal.  Then another...  really?  In this day and age?  Then I get an answering machine.  WUT.  I leave a message.  I have 45 minutes in the hotel room and hear nothing.  I get on the road and am driving in circles around Indianapolis trying to find a parking lot somewhere and they freakin' call back.  I told them I was traveling...  They shoot back they'll be there until 6pm.

     At the restaurant my friend convinces me to call back.  They answer, they schedule an interview - no other talk, nothing - just, can you make it on Tuesday?  Hmmmm.  They'll send an email confirmation.

     I don't get this email until I finally thought to check my Spam three days later.  Not entirely sure this place is on the up and up, if you catch my drift.  I start to worry about whether I should even go.  I'm having a full-on anxiety attack of - nonononononono - but at the same time I think, "but it might be a job, right?"

     And then another friend tells me that she found out the reason I didn't get hired at the other place was because I didn't have call-center experience.  I almost lost it.

I wanted to scream.

     Like ALL those years in retail weren't experience with dealing with phone calls one after another after another??  Do you have this item?  Can you tell me this price?  Why isn't my online order going through?  Can I sign up for a class?  What's wrong with my gift card?  Can I speak to a manager?  ALL WHILE TAKING CARE OF PEOPLE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME.

If ANYTHING... my job was a LOT HARDER then some stupid call center job!!!!

But...I don't have experience in a call center.

Bullshit.

     So... between that and this interview which I feel is going to go no where like every other stinking job interview I've had - plus it's a half hour drive away - the only thing that's even vaguely making my consider still going is a morbid curiosity to go into an area I've never been before.  Apparently it's right next to Amazon or something.  But once I really read this job description, it sounds like this "receptionist" job is actually just "warehouse mom" because you have to man the phones, keep the breakroom food stocked and the supplies stocked... help do shipping when needed, etc etc.

     I have no idea if I'm even going to feel like it tomorrow.  Especially when I'm balancing my husband having these wild swings between - you need to get a job now -  to you shouldn't go to this one... you should help me with the convention - you should do all of this work for me and I'm stuck doing even more housework than normal because his new job will have him away so I'll be back to cooking and cleaning and doing all of the stuff I usually do in my normal housewife fashion...and I honestly am getting so many mixed signals right now.

     Does he want me to help with the convention and keep up the house to keep up my side of the household?

     Or does he want me to get a job and make money and take care of things like we used to do?

     I just don't have a single clue because he swings wildly from "we'll be fine" to "you need to get insurance NOW."

     And I thought that maybe doing this online business thing and craft shows might be a good way to pass the time and start my own business.  I had an enjoyable time listening to everyone (on Saturday and Sunday once I got back from my trip) tell me that things were "cute" or "did you paint these?  They are really good."  And all of those compliments were awesome even if I didn't get as much business as I'd hoped I'd get - it was about what I expected overall.

     But I don't know if I can spend time working on that any more.  And if I get a job, I definitely won't.  Sometimes it really doesn't feel like I have enough time in the day to do all of the things I want to do, even when I force myself to really work, suddenly my day goes from noon to dinner and I have no idea what I accomplished during that time sometimes.

     As usual, this blog was an attempt to square away some of my feelings about things.  I want to feel really excited about stuff but I haven't actually felt relaxed enough to feel happy and in the moment as I would like.  My mind is always on the next thing and worried about getting through it and maybe a moment here and there I really can stop and relax, but I'm starting to get afraid that my body has been so tightly strung it can't unwind anymore.

Help.

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 20 - Cleavage & The Table

      Haven't written in here for a week and had really hoped to have had an update on the job situation by now.  I don't.  The only vague news that I received was that they were still doing interviews this week (over a week later) and that I might hear by Friday or by the beginning of next week.
     I keep having these anxiety moments though.  A moment of complete and utter panic when thinking about having to start a new job and all of the ins and outs of starting in a new place and what will the people think of me and what if I can't cut it and get fired?  But then I try to remind myself that I haven't even received a single email to say they're still thinking and the anxiety of dealing with that has gone down a wee bit but it's still there and poking at me from time to time.
      This past weekend we went out to a convention for a few days to do some gaming.  The first day was just fine, the second we found out how irresponsible the guy who was running our D&D games was with time management.  I was stuck in costume for over an hour past what I'd hoped and starving since I hadn't eaten dinner, and it was one of these moments that I made the decision to just get up and go to the hotel room.
     What I had already taken into account (and certainly made me uncomfortable even at the age of 40) was the fact my costume had a very vaa-vaa-voom boost to my bust and after being gawked at by a few middle-age men during the convention, I also got honked at while heading to the hotel and gawked at in the hotel waiting for the elevator and that sent me in full-on panic mode as not only was I waiting to enter an elevator with ONE guy, I had a box full of money and very little clothing on (well, sorta - I never dressed with cleavage at ALL until just recently - so I became really self-conscious of the fact all of a sudden) and with that I turned tail and climbed up to the SEVENTH floor in a leather corset of sorts.
     Believe me, I couldn't breathe and I was heaving and thought I'd die by the time I threw open the hotel room and started stripping it off as fast as I could.  All the while storming around with my hangry mood and upset that I was all alone and have never really dealt with being gawked at.  I just never dress like that and I thought now that I was older it might be okay.
     My husband mentioned last night that he knew things were different for my reactions to things because he was absolutely certain when he'd finally made it back to the room (an hour and a half later than we were supposed to be) that I'd be sitting there in my pjs refusing to go back.  I was this close to messaging him, but just hadn't quite gotten to that point and I was starting to feel a bit better after eating a slice of disgustingly cold pizza (the microwave was missing of course).  So I'd calmed down a bit.  But in the past I'm not even sure if pizza would have done it.  My mind cleared up a bit and once I had on a t-shirt and jeans we went back.
     Then the one guy we sat down next to had an anxiety attack and left with his friend - I could literally feel the young man tense up when we sat down (for whatever reason he wasn't sitting next to his friend) so the two headed out.  We never finished the game though because the guy running was of course, the same one who had no time management skills and oh well.

     So, skip forward to what... Thursday?  Yeah, so here we are, I've been making a bit of money by doing commission work for painting miniatures and attempting to look for more business that way.  But also working on my craft table stuff hoping in a couple weeks to be able to sell a good chunk of it and at least feel like I'm contributing to the family again.
      Last night my husband got an email from the job he'd applied for a few month's ago and hadn't heard anything from.  They'd contacted him again asking if he was still interested.  So now today he accepted the offer to come in and talk again so the interview is set some time tomorrow afternoon.
     I sit here beating myself up over not going into I.T. because I probably would have found a job by now.  Why was I so stupid to go into retail???  WHY?!  Because...again...I'm female and that's what was expected of me...get an easy job that I'd quit when I became pregnant and then have my husband take care of me....wut?

NO.

     And in the middle of this today a FedEx truck with music blaring backed into the driveway with our "TABLE OF ULTIMATE GAMING".

     You have to say it in all caps, you know.

     My husband had ordered this because of course we wanted a bigger table for our D&D games but honestly I had told him when he ordered it on a whim that it was going to be TOO big.  I showed him with the measuring tape.
     He wanted to put it together today, so we moved the kitchen table downstairs thinking we'd put it in the kitchen but he just didn't see how HUGE the flippin' thing was until it had all four legs (but thankfully not the topper yet) and I think at that moment he realized, yah, it fit, but you'd never be able to get around it.
     Take the legs back off, move it to the basement, move the kitchen table back... and since then he's been down there working on it.

     I was just stressing out trying not to cry.

     My mother told me once that she and my dad had bought this big living room furniture and when they finally got it into the living room she cried because it was just so big.  I didn't get it myself because it was comfortable and we had that furniture for quite a few years.  But it was a lot bigger than the stuff she had and the stuff she has now (although I think we all regret allowing her to get it replaced because that's money she'll never get back).
   
     But now we'll have to get more chairs for the basement and we'll have to clean up down there (which I've been wanting to do for awhile anyway since he keeps moving his stuff down there and it's a wreck most of the time).  But the table fits down there a whole lot better then in the kitchen and I'm waiting to see what it looks like completed.  I'm also looking forward to surprising the heck out of people who come over in the next few days with it.

     But I felt like utter garbage this afternoon because I kept saying it was too big and I was just so upset when he didn't see how big it was until it was eating up the entire dining room with no room for chairs or people.

     And I still feel kinda useless because I still don't have a job and I'm trying to be confident in myself but it's awfully hard.  I think if I could sell something - gain a following...something...

A brief moment today on a walk I felt happy.  I hadn't felt that way in quite awhile and it passed quickly...but maybe it will come back someday again soon?

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 19 - The Next Interview

     Actually all of this happened yesterday so I'm a bit behind on my keeping this updated.  But then again, things have been kind of a rollercoaster this week and it's not going to slow down for the next week or so I fear.  So, given that, I thought I'd sit down and ponder how my mental state is doing currently and what I'm hoping will happen during the rest of July.

     Firstly, I finally had another phone interview and I thought it went fairly well.  Because of the holiday (4th) happening the next week I was told not to expect any news right away and it was okay with me because I had a lot of things going.  I had some D&D campaigns to play in and run, had some 4th of July plans, although no company, which was a mixed blessing as it was nice and relaxing but also felt 'off' somehow since we were by ourselves for the first time in awhile with no parties, cook-outs or family visitors.
     Then the 4th came and went and very soon after I found out that they were going to be bringing me in for an in-person interview the following week, so I was pretty excited about it.  At least until anxiety brain kicked in off and on and I couldn't sleep that first day (it got better once it was scheduled and in place for nearly a week later).  Anxiety brain would pop up from time to time but I'd remind myself that there was no use worrying about it when I had so many other things that needed to be worked on.
     So a cookout the Saturday after the 4th, followed by a D&D game where my players literally did the thing I thought they would: abandoned the city to destruction by an unknown force that was most likely their own doing (or rather, by ignoring it, will ultimately cause it's destruction).  They simply said, "eh, not a dragon, not our problem, we're out!"  So, just as I had expected, I created their exit story and over a week later they're in a cool new city they're ready to explore next week.  I'm really looking forward to writing more of that story because I have some ideas for it - and also all of the things that will be happening elsewhere in the world as they're completely ignoring the things that are going on in the world to pursue their own selfish desires.  HA!
   
     Skip forward to the next day which began my trip to Michigan to visit my mother for a few days.  It got cut a bit short because of the interview on Wednesday scheduled.  Mostly because of my anxiety over interviews and traveling when there's something scheduled.  I keep thinking "what if my car breaks down on the way home?  If I leave too late I'll never get any sleep for the interview!"  And you know, all of the other things.  Plus, being home really stresses me out anyway because my Mom has no money for upkeep of the house so it's just slowly degrading year after year.  I do a few things like keep branches off the roof, leaves out of the gutters and try to drag some garbage from the basement...
     See, my mom won't admit to being a hoarder, but she's really super borderline.  And I understand she doesn't have a lot of money but being frugal and being a hoarder really are two separate things.  She's not frugal.  She buys things for decorations and then the old décor just gets thrown in a spare room, closet or basement and then stays there.  For example, I found an old bathroom curtain and rod - both had been completely replaced some two or three years ago - sitting in the basement.  The curtain was old and plastic and could never be used again, and yet, there it sat in a corner.
     Boxes were growing black mold from the multiple floods down there, and they remained untouched.  When I'd go to throw something out she'd ask, "Could that be sold?  What about donated?"  It's covered in mildew...so, no.  Four garbage bags this trip before my sinuses (I'm fairly certain the dust and mold will eventually give me asthma) couldn't take it and I gave up.  She'll take them out to the road but I have yet to actually see any changes in the basement between trips to her house.  Six months will go by, I'll ask her just to take ONE bag up...deal with ONE pile... and instead it just grows worse and worse.
     And she wonders why I don't want to visit.  The house itself upstairs would fool someone as she keeps it relatively clean.  But you can see the paint peeling on the ceilings, the carpets are starting to wear down, there are bowing portions and missing shingles on the roof that I try to repair but I know at least one spot is too far gone... and I have no idea how long that house is going to remain livable.
     So usually when I'm there I want to just leave the house and go places, and that's usually what we do.  But I'm without a job (hopefully not too much longer!  I'm getting to it!) and she's in so much debt now that her credit card bounced a few times while we were out... so then I feel doubly bad that I can't help my mom out with this money problem.  But she's done it to herself and when she gets really upset she lashes out and blames my brother and myself.  First off, I paid rent once I got out of college (which she made me finish, so okay, there's that, but I had to work my way through it) and my brother didn't work and then had a bunch of student debt so she didn't really ask him to pay for much - although I guess he paid for some things while he was still at home.
     But she really never stressed how bad off we were.  I tried to quit college to work more and I tried to get her to work, but she had one episode and quit her job and it was years before she went back to working.  And mostly I just tried my best to just find a way to get out.  It wasn't exactly for selfish reasons either, it was because I thought if I wasn't contributing to the problem, things would get better and maybe my brother would start contributing more (boy was I wrong).  But, I digress, this wasn't really about me getting away, but it is about why it's so uncomfortable being at my old home any more.
     A year or so before I completed college I'd actually had the basement cleaned up.  We'd started to hold gaming meetings in the basement of my mom's house because we had large tables built (initially for a huge train set my father had put together for us and we stripped apart for table-top gaming) so we had to have a clean space.  So, around 2001 or so we had it organized, cleaned up, and ready for company.  Even after that my brother helped her clean out the garage so she could hold garage sales.  (She has never had one to my knowledge)  So between those two things, when I'm at her house I just remember how clean everything was and how all she had to do was leave it clean...

     I came home on Tuesday.  She tried to keep me longer but I headed out around 10am and got home four or five hours later after making a couple stops for lunch and driving breaks.  It was really good to get back home to stop worrying about my old house and my mother and her debt, and start back to worrying about my interview.

     Having gone shopping while I was up at my old home (again, remember not spending a lot of time AT the house) I had my clothes picked out and then proceeded to worry and clean the house while I was worrying about everything.
     But Wednesday came and I got to the interview on time - early even - the interviewer was actually late getting back from lunch which made me start to doubt myself a bit (I've been completely forgotten about for interviews in the past as I blended in...?  I don't know) but eventually we got started and the next couple hours flew by pretty quickly and only as I was walking back to my car did I realize that I'd missed a bunch of opportunities and hoped no one would think less of me for not asking certain questions...
     Anxiety brain, remember?
     But I got a whole lot of stuff done yesterday after the interview - working on the garden, watering outside, doing some cleaning, washing the bed sheets...  When anxiety brain kicks in, I find a bunch of stuff to try to keep it occupied.
   
     Haven't heard anything today, rather hoped I would but knew that they were doing more interviews so I remain patient since it didn't feel like I'd done anything super wrong at the job.  I thought I had a pleasant voice during the phone portion and could follow their software without much issue, so that's always a plus.  I just hope that I wasn't too unprofessional because I just don't know what people are looking for nowadays.

     So, now I wait.  And I anxiety it out and I cleaned the house (again) and I did more painting and I got all of my facebook page posts scheduled for the weekend and I'm just about to start getting ready for my weekend plans and I'm trying to just relax.  If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen... and I've got so much stuff going in July and the beginning of August I'll almost be relieved to not hear anything for a little bit...so we'll see I guess!

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 17 - Small Steps

     Shortly after I posted my last entry I received an email about a phone interview.  I wasn't quite sure what to make of it as it was the very first place I sent my resume to back in April, but it's also the last place that appears to still be hiring as the majority of the jobs I applied to have since been taken down.  I scheduled the appointment for this afternoon, the first opening I could get.
     Maybe it's my anxiety (I'm sure a large part of it) but I immediately felt they were pitying me, or perhaps humoring my friend who had told her boss about me multiple times until he finally said he'd look at my resume.  A week later I finally got the phone interview.  I was nervous the entire night after getting it scheduled, slept better the next day but was exhausted this morning.
     I hate having to schedule a meeting for the afternoon because it made the morning completely worthless to me (well, not completely, I did get some painting done which of course is now my side job) and when the time came for it, I had my notes in front of me, both phones (because I couldn't remember which number I'd given them) and finally had the first interview with the third place I'd actually heard back from.
     And after the half hour was over, I can't honestly tell you how it went.  Unlike my first place, I didn't hear back from them this evening for a face-to-face, but it is getting onto the 4th of July holiday, and he did mention I probably wouldn't hear right away... but it was how he reacted to every single answer I gave.  The canned response, over and over, "I love that answer... that's a great response..."  It felt (and it's possible he's not good at interviewing and it's also possible he wasn't actually listening, but I hope the typing on the other end was making notes and not responding to something completely different) sort of like I wasn't getting anywhere.

     Is it anxiety or depression that makes me feel this way? Am I just projecting these imaginations on these interviews?  Or am I right on the money?  I can harken back to the first interview back in April and how hopeful I was in almost getting that job, but I'd barely been looking for a few weeks, surely there would be a better option soon enough?  But then nothing for so long now until the second interview and I thought that had gone well enough too...but then that job didn't turn out either.  Now I'm on interview three and I just don't know.

     So, I'm taking little steps.  At least there's one last little light of hope, but depending on the next few weeks I'll probably have to start the process all over again.

    To address another thing in my life that I'm dealing with anxiety about is my painting crafting table.  It's a website too and I was hoping that by sharing it online on a regular basis I might get someone interested in something and buy something or anything actually... It's like when I was going to get married and everyone was so excited and promised they'd come celebrate with me and then we set up this huge party for all of these people...and no one showed.  So, it's like I'm setting up this big old party and I'm the only one celebrating.

     It's hard not to feel rejected isn't it?

     I keep trying to remind myself that a lot of my stock is related to Christmas and people just don't buy stuff until it gets closer...so, crossing my fingers?  I also had a failure this week with getting things up on Google (which mildly sucks after it seemed like things were going to work only to have them dragged down all of a sudden) but I'll keep trudging on.  I don't have the fan base that I used to have with some of my artwork.  Now I'm starting nearly from scratch.

     Then a bit of a blow to my feminism today.  So, obviously we're closely approaching the end of month three without a job, and I've been doing okay paying my own bills and helping with groceries and things with my savings.  That's why my savings exist - why I've pushed so hard over the years to have so much of it built up - forgoing vacations and fancy clothes or expensive trinkets (I have a lot of trinkets but they're usually less than $40 and I spend very little on things for myself) - so except when we go out to eat dinner, I don't expect my husband to buy anything for me.
     But then tonight at the craft store he whipped out his credit card and paid for my purchase.  I just didn't know what to do because I don't expect that of him, and I'm sure he didn't mean anything of it, but it was my purchase, for things I'm going to use... so it just felt like a bit of a punch in the gut.

     I'm making steps.  They're very small, but I'm trudging on.  I don't know what I'm doing since I have so much time booked up with other things - which I guess is good to keep me busy, but it's weird to feel so busy and not actually have a job that's keeping me busy.

    I just need to keep keeping on.