Monday, September 24, 2018

It's Been a Long Time

     I realized today that it's been months since I've updated this blog, and even though no one but me reads this (as far as I can tell from the individual page views, it's probably super sporadic) I just wanted to type something out as a therapy for myself but didn't really want to put it on Facebook like I typically do when I want other people to know what I'm thinking.  I also have a personal diary I can write this junk in, but honestly, typing is faster and I tend to put more into writing blogs like this since I constrain a daily rant in my diary to a page or two at most.

     Saying that, I'm finally on depression pills.  They don't seem to be working currently, but I've read varying accounts saying they can take effect in a week or a month, and that once you start taking them you should probably keep it up for awhile so your body can adjust back to normal.  Provided that the pills don't cause any unwanted side effects.  The first day I felt so happy and relieved...but it was also my day off and I was also on the placebo pills for my birth control, so there's that.  A bit over a week later and I'm back on my normal birth control pills and back to having the anxiety attacks which really want me to quit everything I'm doing and crawl into a hole because how in the world can I accomplish anything at all, really?  But it's also a dreary and cold day and I've been itching to get to the park for weeks...and haven't been able to, which is also a condition of me being cooped up inside far too much and not getting enough sun or vitamin E, although my test results showed only a deficiency in vitamin D.  So I'm now on vitamins too... so this is what it's like to turn 39.
     So I'm not entirely sure that the depression pills are going to do the trick, but I haven't lost hope yet so we'll see.  I do know that I sat around on the couch again, trying to get at least the laundry done, but not wanting to do much of anything else and also paranoid that I'm not going to get the things I need to get done it's this unending cycle of crappiness that I'm currently suffering from.  Which, of course, is why the therapy of writing helps.
     I do feel a bit more relieved at the moment now that I'm writing because I can sort of ignore the things that I can't change right now and focus on myself for the moment.  Again, I feel like quitting just about everything and sulking in a little hole and I know that's not good for me, or my husband or anyone around me, even though I'm feeling like this I'm still getting things accomplished like going out to the grocery store and worrying about what to wear tomorrow for work.  I haven't eaten a salad in days and the lettuce is going bad in the fridge, and I'm afraid to cook anything now because the kitchen sink is clogged and we can't do the dishes without having it all back up...but enough of that.
     Every year I start feeling a bit better when my allergies start letting up, but then I go right back to feeling crappy again.  I started to write a novel but then fell behind everyone I was writing with and they all made some sort of finish, and I wrote about 20 pages and quit to work on other things.  It wasn't as if I wasn't writing, I just wasn't writing that.  I was writing page after page of D&D story lines, personal diaries, letters to my brother in prison, and that sort of thing.  And I knew that I was supposed to be working on things for the convention that I still help run even though I know that it's been eating at my life for close to a decade now (oh wait, it is a decade this year) and could I have written that novel by now?  Yes, I could have.  I stopped drawing so I can barely draw a human being that looks like one anymore (or rather an anime character), and all I do is paint miniatures.
     Nothing wrong with painting miniatures as I've always loved that, but I've even had some issues doing that recently due to the depression that just won't go away.  And I have a feeling it's got a lot to do with my actual work and probably stress related too, but it doesn't seem written in the stars quite yet for me to move on from that as I had a couple weird moments where I went out and had an interview at another job...only to find out they had no openings left for someone like me who wanted full time and had experience (I knew I had too much really) and also my district manager seemed to know something about the troubles I've been having with my current manager, so that made me feel like sticking around a little longer.  Not that I had any choice, really.
     Feel a bit more accomplished as I took a break from writing this and got some graphic design work done which I now just have to get all printed out once I get the go-ahead from the heads.  Just haven't felt like doing much of anything design wise lately either.  I think it's just this never-ending line of stuff that I need to get done in the meantime and I don't want to push it.  I should probably push myself, and I think I do to a certain extent.  Take last year, for example.  I'd been playing D&D for about three or so months when I thought I'd attempt to run a game for a few hours during the weekend.  I chickened out when two guys showed up with their higher level characters and they'd already run the campaigns I had picked out.  So I packed up my stuff and left.
     This year, I thought, why not do it for a group of staffers in front of an audience?  I've been playing more than a year now and I can sometimes be a hoot!?  Well...sometimes.  When I have that excited energy I sometimes get...but I haven't had that excited energy in...what?  A good while?  And it only happens for a short time, like Saturday when I asked for a photo of a group of cosplayers - but that energy dwindled after like a minute or two, and a game of D&D lasts hours.  So, my anxiety is playing up and I'm forcing myself to get with it, but at the same time I keep wanting to just back out and not worry about it, but I've been on stage before, multiple times in the past, and I always manage to get through it; so I keep telling myself.

     So, now I return to doing house chores and hope that I can rustle up the energy to get everything done that I still need to do.  I hope.  I'm tired of feeling bummed out by things so I'm going to keep moving forward and trying to do these 'therapy' sessions more often...maybe.

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