Saturday, January 5, 2019

First Week of 2019

The sun is shining.  Didn't do that a whole bunch in 2018 (I think where I'm at there was a record for most cloudy days, and most rain) so it's sort of a rare occurrence to see the sun.  At first I thought that was perhaps the reason for the majority of my depression.  But now, I'm not quite so sure.  I think it's where I work, or rather, who I work for, and that stress, has caused both my depression and my anxiety (or perhaps it has caused my anxiety which also causes my depression?  I'm not sure).  Either way, I'm starting to really think that medication doesn't really help anything, and only getting a new job (or a new boss, perhaps) would solve matters.

It's a struggle.  Every single day I feel like I'm the second mate of a ship that is sinking.  The Captain is standing up on the top of the boat, ordering people to keep raising the mast and steering the ship - but completely ignoring what's going on below decks.  Each person below is plugging their tiny holes, but then instead of helping with the biggest gouge at the bottom of the ship, they pretend like everything is fine.  So I'm at the bottom, standing in three foot of water, hauling one bucket up at a time because I can't get anyone else to help me seal up the hole.  When I do get someone to help, the Captain drags them away to help mop the deck or repair the sails, or some other task that doesn't help the bigger issue!  And this, I figure, is how I am going to drown eventually.  Either I go down with the ship and drown in the hull, or I go up top and jump over and try to make a break for shore.

There, that metaphor is about the closest I can come to what's been going on and why I'm so stressed out all the time.  Sometimes I just go down and start bailing water, and other times I pound a nail or two into a stray board to help seal the gap, but most of the time it just doesn't help and I want to sit down in the water and let myself drown in the water and my own tears.

But I also have another issue.  I don't feel like I can jump ship, because I know something big is probably coming in the world, perhaps another depression or recession.  My husband's job is cutting people again and moving into smaller digs and there's still talk off and on about him perhaps not having a job sooner than later.  So, what if I did jump ship?  What if I couldn't make it to shore in time before I found another 'boat' going my way?  I'd love to be able to just jump and go into a part-time job somewhere, start from scratch and perhaps get my head straight again.  I just worry.  What if next week he's out a job?  What if he can't find one again right away?  What if I have to support us? 

Then thinking about the future kicks in.  What if I were to just take care of myself for awhile and then something happened to my husband?  I never want to be in a position like my Mom is where she didn't have a job most of her life, has loads of debt because my father apparently didn't instill in her the same money sense he had (I'm not sure who was really do blame here) but I see her struggling because she and my dad didn't save for their retirement and she's just barely squeaking by.  I don't want to be that person.  Our house isn't paid off, and I would really like to be able to live here the rest of my life, and take care of everything but it bothers me day after day thinking that something could go wrong, so why change things?

Because...I'd be happier.  I wouldn't be depressed all the time....right?

Wouldn't that make me a better person?

But I don't want to struggle, either.  I know I should take chances and better myself, but I also like this fairly secure (or is it?) life that I have currently.

Hopefully 2019 will be a good year, but I just don't know.  And that stresses me out too.

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