Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 25 - Need to Declutter

     I'm beginning to feel surrounded.  I can feel the clutter all around me and it's starting to really drive me crazy.  Every September it starts to get bad around here as the convention stuff starts to encroach on every day life and the boxes start to pile up around the place and everything just becomes this huge slovenly mess that I have to walk around or trip over.  It spills in from near the front door and slowly makes its way around the living room and into the kitchen.  Dust bunnies begin hiding behind the boxes.  Cat hair takes up residence on top, below, around, until it's hard to tell where the boxes end and the floor begins.
     I can't stand this clutter.

     I just want to leave the house and stay outside because I'm so tired of looking at all of the boxes.  And then when I think, 'Oh, maybe I'll clean and get some of this stuff out of here.' I start to find other things that have nothing to do with the convention - things that my husband brings in, things that he refuses to throw out...the mess is so maddening that I start throwing things out willy-nilly.  I know he hasn't looked at this in over a year...goodbye!  The problem is, I know he knows these things are there, he just doesn't want to deal with it.  He hates throwing anything out and it's driving me nuts because not only won't he get rid of it, he won't find a nice neat organized way to keep them either.  Give me a crate and I'll wrap up all those cables and get the all stored correctly, but in truth, most of what's left he's never going to touch ever again... so there it sits, not being used.

     I just want to go full-out AGGRESTUKO on the whole thing and scream at the top of my lungs.

     So, here I sit writing about it and trying to vent at least a little.  I realized that I didn't sit down and write yesterday like I had been doing on a regular basis because I had decided to try making a painting video for the first time in awhile.  When it was all said and done it looked pretty good and I was fairly happy with it.  The narration was mostly clean and I rambled a bit, sure, but it sounded almost natural as opposed to me just reading, which was what I was doing.  I haven't looked online yet but a few people shared it so I was happy that way.
     But, my husband didn't say anything and he sure as heck hasn't 'liked' it so I'm not feeling anything coming from him right now.  Again, like I mentioned in the last blog, this is the time when his "baby" takes precedence, and I just become a glorified maid and secretary.

      It's not as if I have anyone knocking down my door either trying to give me a job.  I did have a call today but when I looked up the company (since I hadn't applied there myself) I quickly found out that they were one of those phony scam things so I just told them I wasn't interested and hung up.  I'm always surprised that fake businesses still exist when there's so much information flying around about them out there.  But I guess there's enough people who don't look them up that they make a profit somehow.
     I'm just disappointed that I can't get a phone call from one of those companies I did apply for, because there were so many.  Probably by now all of the files have been cleared and no one is looking at my resume.  I have yet to do a stream-line of it like I was wanting to.  There's actually a lot of things I haven't been doing that I should be doing for myself but the money issue is creeping up into it.
     For example, I'm on my final week of birth control pills and then I'll be free of the hormones but that'll make things go back to stressful if I engage in any activity it's just going to be one freak out moment after another.  I wouldn't worry so much about it if I didn't know my grandmother had given birth at 45 so I have at least another 5 years where I could definitely possibly become pregnant and that freaks me out even more.
      It's not as if I haven't gotten onto a new insurance, because we have gotten things going, but I was getting $60 bills pretty regularly from my doctor to just visit and I'm supposed to get some of those other tests that women get once they're in their 40s, so I'm rather not looking forward to spending that money until I know I've got some coming in.... and who knows when that's going to be?  Even the second table at a craft show that I sent the check in for has yet to be cashed and I haven't heard a word from them so I'm starting to wonder if I was even selected or will even have a chance to go.

     All I can say, is that things have been really rough, even more so since I stopped looking for a job.  There are all of these things that I think I should be doing but if I don't write them down they just sort of drift away like dandelion fluff.  I'll sit and think about it for awhile and all of those ideas are just gone somehow and then I get depressed and just take a nap in the middle of the day.  Even if I haven't done an ounce of housework or spent any time online, I'll just fall asleep and nap.
     I know that has to be the depression.  I know enough now to recognize the signs but it's super hard to be able to pull myself out of it.

     I keep trying to come up with a way to focus on the good things again.  I had started doing that a bit at first but as the months keep rolling by with no changes, nothing seems to really be working.  Then I fall into the pit of eating because I'm bored or stressed out... and that's just worse.


Maybe I need to just declutter my life.  Maybe I need to just get RID of a bunch of things that remind me of my misery.  Maybe if I could just sit in a nice, clean, sterile space for awhile, maybe things will even out for me for a bit.  I just don't know.  I wonder if it would help though?  Perhaps?  I'm so sick and tired of feeling like the walls are surrounding me and there's no way out.

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