Wednesday, December 25, 2019

Focus on Me - pt. 2 - End of 2019

     The year is drawing to a close and there are so many things going through my head right now.  At the beginning of 2019, I was the first mate of a sinking ship.  My boss hated me and I was just miserably getting by, taking medication for the anxiety, stress, and depression that SHE had caused.  I was holding with it, going down with that ship...  Until my "captain" literally threw me out of the ship.
      I rather liked that metaphor.  I saw this as a sinking ship, all of the crew were desperately attempting to follow the Captain's orders, but as First Mate, I saw the bigger issues, the giant gaping holes in the bow, and instead of getting the sails ready and hoisting the anchor, I wanted to stop the water from getting in.  But the Captain thought I wasn't listening to her orders as she told me to swab the decks and fix the nets... or something stupid along those lines.  She wanted me out of HER way and didn't bother to see what work I was doing to help.
      So, instead of just seeing my point of view or even seeing the things I wanted to do as relevant, she literally set up a plank...then made me walk it...then dumped me overboard.

     I swam in that rough ocean for a long time.  Miserable and wet as my crew tossed me ropes and well-wishes (they tried their best, I have no doubt they would have dragged me back if they thought it would help).
     A day or so later one of them jumped ship after me.  She knew what she was doing and had a little dingy (she is a super talented artist, I should compare her to having an actual escape boat). 
     I continued to swim, looking around for other ships, an island, anything I could.  All the while I would hear about the ship as it continued to sink, or just barely float.  The crew was managing somehow and I heard about it across the sea as I paddled and looked for a way out.
     And then one day I found another ship.  It was also barely holding together, but it was something and they all welcomed me on board.  But then I realized they also had a Captain that wasn't doing a good job - nope!  This one stayed in her cabin and shouted orders, didn't want help and didn't want to actually leave her cabin to see what was going on outside on her ship.
     I've never wanted to quit a job that quickly before.  I willfully jumped off that ship!  I swam as hard as I could so they couldn't come back to get me and I realized I was happier in the ocean then attempting to do something for that ship that was never going to happen.

     Now I think I have found a proper ship.  And I hope they're heading to a nice sturdy island where I can finally set my feet on solid ground again.  I worry about it, of course, as I've only been on this ship for a few weeks.  But the Captain is out on the decks on a regular basis, he has multiple first mates, everyone has a job to do on the ship and everyone talks to one another and helps one another.
     I have a very simple, but also very convoluted job on this ship.  I guess the best comparison would be a cartographer.  I had no idea what I was doing, but I was shoved into a small area, showed all of the maps, compasses, and drawing instruments, and then told that at any moment someone might run in and tell me where they wanted to go or where something was, and by the way, you have to also learn how to read the stars too because we're in the middle of the sea.
      Sure, the job at its heart is reading maps to people.  But it's so much more complicated than that because of all of the different factors that are involved.  I had a little over a week of training and then I was left in the room alone with the map and the people who were supposed to stand over me and guide me were too busy with their own jobs.... so yeah, sometimes I feel a bit left out to dry.  But at the same time I've caught on to most of it so perhaps I tell someone East when I mean West, but my anxiety comes from worrying I'm stuck doing this one job, even though it's important, if I stay in this one place I'll never learn how to raise a sail or swab a deck or drive the ship.

      That's a whole lot of metaphors for a call center job.  Hahaha.  I was told that this wasn't a call center, it's less than two dozen people, and everything is moving and shuffling.  People are great to me, and everyone attempts to help me, but I think I've caught on faster than some people, I just need the speed.  Thankfully everyone said it's fine, the speed will come in time, and I can already tell that they're right, but I've always excelled in jobs I've been given over the years, so being patient is difficult for me.
     Especially when all of my other jobs were a frenzy of activity.  This job is me, sitting at a desk, answering phone calls and emails all day, and in between times just staring at my phone (I need to bring books) but when things get ramped up for the year it'll just be answering phones and after just a few days of doing it on my own, I realize I'm not sure my mind will be able to handle the sheer boredom of that...
     At least with tedious chores like folding paper or ringing registers or framing pictures, I got to do something with my hands.  I worry about myself in this job even though it pays so damn well.

      So, as I mentioned, at the beginning of the year I was riding a sinking boat.  Now I'm riding in a boat that keeps growing and moving and changing and I'm blown away by how quickly I've started to get used to that world even though my brain is still anxious over it.

     What will 2020 bring?  I have a week left and my first paycheck coming in a few days.  I have a comfortable home, a loving husband, and I know that everything in my life has changed so much.  Maybe because of all of the trouble I've gone through, I worry about myself thinking everything is too good to be true now.  I can't relax.  But I want to.

     I thought by getting out of my old job that I'd be able to be happy again.  I'd be able to enjoy everything again.  But Halloween came and went in a frenzy.  And now Christmas is here and I don't feel the way I used to.  Mind you we're home alone this year because my Mom is sick.  But it's also super warm outside and we took a walk and I hung around outside with my cat for a while, wearing a short-sleeve shirt.  So, it's weird.
     I didn't go shopping at the stores for a bunch of stuff.  I didn't bring anything but a couple of new Hallmark ornaments home.  I didn't drive around looking at Christmas lights.  I didn't get out of the house much.  I'm looking at my life a whole lot differently than I used to.  I don't want a bunch of things.

     I think I need to learn how to live again.  And also enjoy living.

Maybe that's my real New Year's Resolution - look for joy.  Find the island in this ocean.

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