The Keystone

The multiverse is immense, or at least, it WAS once.  Every choice leading to a split, a parallel world, a new creation running right outside of another's notice.

Until they created the gate.

It was created with materials that current technology could never break, but back then they knew how to craft such things.  They made flying ships, battles the space dragons, went to different universes and wound up unleashing terrible beasts that were so powerful that it took armies to wipe them out...if at all.

But long after those technologies were all but a distant memory, the gate still stood as a reminder that one should not cross between worlds, buried so deep below the surface that most didn't even realize it was still there.

So the universes lived in harmony, completely unaware of each other for thousands of years.

But each one has a keystone, a single point of light that kept the world from crumbling apart.  They were all connected, one single being, a small part of them in each universe, holding it all together.

But each time a part of that keystone died, it took the universe with them.  The world's existence depended on them.  Without them, it just ceased to exist entirely.

With no knowledge the other parts of them existed in the world, the keystone lived on, slowly becoming less and less of themselves, never realizing that the despair, depression and emptiness they felt were the parts of them they were missing.

A mad scientist and a historian discovered the keystone.  To fill the emptiness, they had discovered how to turn the undead alive again, and thus could keep their pieces from death and destruction of the universe.

Over and over again they'd save this creature, and eventually they learned to save the other pieces too by travelling to other places via other gates.

But although they could save the keystone most of the time, they were also realizing they needed to recruit others who could save them because evening they would not be able to live forever.

This was the start of the first Explorers Guild.  Bring in heroes, send them into the world, go help the keystone, keep the universe alive, and send them into other places as well, keeping the pieces alive.  

Then the keystone itself walked in one day.

They'd kept them alive from afar, but now THEY wanted to adventure, to get into danger, to do the things they were supposed to be kept safe from.  But the keystone also was really good at it.  And maybe the two could somehow keep THIS one alive?

The only problem was, after a few years of keeping this one out of danger, they'd spent less time reviving other pieces and those universes faded into oblivion.

There was the mushroom copy that their keystone had briefly watched.  The one on the island and kept a lighthouse.  The witch who could fly on her broom.  The farmer who lives in the pumpkin patch... All gone.

They tried to save the flower one from a curse, and had been successful, but that one got curious and travelled to another world outside of her own and died.  They tried to save her, but the force there was too strong.

They needed to know why, so they sent the keystone.

Their own world would not last long without the keystone, so they told her to build a new guild, recruit new help, and they'd have to move there soon.

They couldn't revive the one there without the body.

But they didn't tell the keystone to look for that part of herself, so they hoped they would find it with the help of the others.

If not, then there would be one less.

But how many pieces were still there?  They really didn't want to find out.  The historian was fairly sure there couldn't be much more than a handful and they were having trouble finding the others now.

Everything depended on keeping THIS piece alive.

Just need to write

It's been awhile but tonight I just felt like writing something, putting words to paper, you know?  I have nothing huge to talk about, maybe I'm just letting myself be bored.  They talk about that a lot, learn to sit, to listen, to enjoy the world around you, but to be bored, not strapped to a device.  Does it count if I'm also putting words on paper?

The photo above was some time ago, we since fell into a pretty bad drought so I definitely won't be having another bonfire any time soon.  And here in the spring I was upset we got so much rain I didn't have any many chances to have a fire, and now that I do, I can't.

I'm currently slowly creeping up to 2k subs on my YT channel, in case you were wondering, it's still going, for what it's worth.  I've been churning them out pretty weekly for the past couple of years but haven't yet hit my stride.

Have done very little creative beyond that, though I did work on some painting earlier in the summer.  I've started working on decorating the house for Halloween already too.  I think my favorite thing is this:

Our glowy skeleton sure does love his giant sushi plush.  Hehehe.  He's going outside once we get to October, but for now he gets to cuddle and watch TV with me.

I'm also getting ready for the Twenty One Pilots concert tomorrow.  It's kinda a weird mid-week concert and out of town which is probably why they still have seats open.  I'm just kinda ready to go to my last concert for the year and wrap this one storyline.  I only hope that someday I can create a lore storyline that's even a tenth as interesting as this, to get people to enjoy the story that I tell.

Personally, I'm not going to talk about the state of the USA right now, nor the stuff that's going on lately because it's not great.  I'm stressed out when I think about it.  I've heard that people tend to bury themselves in things that bring them happiness when the state of things are miserable.  No truer words have been spoken.

I worry about my mom, I worry about her seeing my brother again, about having her by herself now that her sisters are all gone, that her friends moved away and she is left with her church people.  I worry because I don't think I can afford to move her here unless it becomes absolutely necessary.  But I worry what will happen if I don't.

But this weekend is for me, so let me enjoy it.

Brewing

I'm taking a break, stewing on what's been going on in my life.  I think I'm a bit burnt out.  I know I've got equal parts anxiety and depression. I've had a few moments where I actually felt joyful.  And then it all flips on its head again.

For example, I love coffee.  I've made it part of who I am.  It was a break from reality, a hot steaming cup of something I could hold onto and an enjoyable hobby.  And then my body decided that coffee is going to literally destroy my stomach from the inside out.  It's going to cause me some of the most uncomfortable feelings in my chest and oh?  Did you want to play that video game?  Hope you don't get too tense now! If you do it'll suddenly cause all of that churning in your chest to get 10x worse!!

So what to do?  Take a "coffee break" with no coffee, no nicotine, nothing but social media, something to keep my hands moving.  Anything else I can't time out to the minute.  Painting takes too long.  Drawing is out, I'll lose track of time reading... Just stare at the phone, anxious someone will reach out at any moment and demand my attention.

So I find myself in this terrible dilemma. Suddenly I have all this time to myself and no idea what to do with it.  But just little pockets. I try to clean, to do laundry, to play with the cats (one less cat and it's still painful), try to chat with my friends but then the anxiety creeps in again.

I took over the server about six months ago.  I have people to help, that's not the issue, but I worry people are me as "the boss" and avoid me.  I've got a call some of the shots you know? Someone has to, and no one wants that responsibility.  I'm fine with it on the exterior, but I don't have any close friends.  Not really.

We say we're friends, say "love you!" When logging off, but if I dies, would anyone attend my funeral?  I had the same sort of friendships when I got married, and only a couple people attended my wedding and only a single one attended my party afterwards.

A few people I thought were my friends have all but stopped talking to me, moved on to other things.  Maybe they thought I'd leave with them.  But I'm loyal... stupidly so maybe.  Every single person, whether I remember their name, burned into my mind.  The things I'd like to show them, the things I want to share... But it feels like no one listens and then I can't feel like sharing.

Yeah, I've got some people who I'd do anything for, and have done a lot.  If only I could get over this anxiety if driving anywhere. It's so deeply miserable to spend every waking minute thinking about how I could avoid this expressway, or that road... Not because I'm scared of driving, but because I'm scared any moment I could have a panic attack and need to pull over.

Haven't been up to my mom's house since last year and she basically has to drive down to see me because I'm too scared to drive by myself for any length of time.  It's horrendous!  This has never happened before a few years ago and I feel like I've lost a huge part of myself.

It's like the coffee.  What do I do now?  Who am I now?  Everything is a mess and nothing is familiar anymore.

Another Year has passed

Here I am again, another year has passed in a blur and I realized I hadn't blogged here since finally getting the app.  The idea was I'd do it more often, perhaps replace the diary I've kept for going on thirty years now.  Ha!  Handwritten memories still are better than typed I guess.  It's been my therapy for far too long for me to give it up now.

I'd like to think that things have gotten easier, and maybe they have in some ways.  I have friends I spend time with, I keep myself entertained most days.  I try to tell stories and I try to share those stories with others though D&D and through my YouTube channel.

But spending time with people always has been rough on me.  I think I'm starting to better to understand why I am the way I am.  Learning that "normal" people don't understand how someone like me exists.  I want clarity in ever situation, I want acceptance, I want planning and structure.  I don't want drama.  I don't want to feel like someone can break my peace at any moment.

But I'll fight for that peace.  I'll avoid the battle as long as I can, but like a trapped mouse, I'll fight back if I have to.

This is kinda a vague post, isn't it?

I enjoy the life of a content creator but when you risk making content with others you risk getting in the way of their creativity too.  We have disagreements about how things should be handled.  We either learn to work with one another or we stop doing it altogether.  I don't regret making the decisions I've made along the way, but it doesn't make things easier.

All that to remind myself if I read this later at some point: you did what you thought was right.  It was right for you whether you made others uncomfortable and angry.  Their feelings are theirs.  And yours are your own.  Maybe it wasn't enjoyable at the time, but you did get a laugh out how how silly this whole thing is.  A twenty-something doesn't have the life experience you do, so don't let them diminish your wisdom by saying you did wrong.

You did what was right for YOU and YOU are what matters.