Brewing

I'm taking a break, stewing on what's been going on in my life.  I think I'm a bit burnt out.  I know I've got equal parts anxiety and depression. I've had a few moments where I actually felt joyful.  And then it all flips on its head again.

For example, I love coffee.  I've made it part of who I am.  It was a break from reality, a hot steaming cup of something I could hold onto and an enjoyable hobby.  And then my body decided that coffee is going to literally destroy my stomach from the inside out.  It's going to cause me some of the most uncomfortable feelings in my chest and oh?  Did you want to play that video game?  Hope you don't get too tense now! If you do it'll suddenly cause all of that churning in your chest to get 10x worse!!

So what to do?  Take a "coffee break" with no coffee, no nicotine, nothing but social media, something to keep my hands moving.  Anything else I can't time out to the minute.  Painting takes too long.  Drawing is out, I'll lose track of time reading... Just stare at the phone, anxious someone will reach out at any moment and demand my attention.

So I find myself in this terrible dilemma. Suddenly I have all this time to myself and no idea what to do with it.  But just little pockets. I try to clean, to do laundry, to play with the cats (one less cat and it's still painful), try to chat with my friends but then the anxiety creeps in again.

I took over the server about six months ago.  I have people to help, that's not the issue, but I worry people are me as "the boss" and avoid me.  I've got a call some of the shots you know? Someone has to, and no one wants that responsibility.  I'm fine with it on the exterior, but I don't have any close friends.  Not really.

We say we're friends, say "love you!" When logging off, but if I dies, would anyone attend my funeral?  I had the same sort of friendships when I got married, and only a couple people attended my wedding and only a single one attended my party afterwards.

A few people I thought were my friends have all but stopped talking to me, moved on to other things.  Maybe they thought I'd leave with them.  But I'm loyal... stupidly so maybe.  Every single person, whether I remember their name, burned into my mind.  The things I'd like to show them, the things I want to share... But it feels like no one listens and then I can't feel like sharing.

Yeah, I've got some people who I'd do anything for, and have done a lot.  If only I could get over this anxiety if driving anywhere. It's so deeply miserable to spend every waking minute thinking about how I could avoid this expressway, or that road... Not because I'm scared of driving, but because I'm scared any moment I could have a panic attack and need to pull over.

Haven't been up to my mom's house since last year and she basically has to drive down to see me because I'm too scared to drive by myself for any length of time.  It's horrendous!  This has never happened before a few years ago and I feel like I've lost a huge part of myself.

It's like the coffee.  What do I do now?  Who am I now?  Everything is a mess and nothing is familiar anymore.

Another Year has passed

Here I am again, another year has passed in a blur and I realized I hadn't blogged here since finally getting the app.  The idea was I'd do it more often, perhaps replace the diary I've kept for going on thirty years now.  Ha!  Handwritten memories still are better than typed I guess.  It's been my therapy for far too long for me to give it up now.

I'd like to think that things have gotten easier, and maybe they have in some ways.  I have friends I spend time with, I keep myself entertained most days.  I try to tell stories and I try to share those stories with others though D&D and through my YouTube channel.

But spending time with people always has been rough on me.  I think I'm starting to better to understand why I am the way I am.  Learning that "normal" people don't understand how someone like me exists.  I want clarity in ever situation, I want acceptance, I want planning and structure.  I don't want drama.  I don't want to feel like someone can break my peace at any moment.

But I'll fight for that peace.  I'll avoid the battle as long as I can, but like a trapped mouse, I'll fight back if I have to.

This is kinda a vague post, isn't it?

I enjoy the life of a content creator but when you risk making content with others you risk getting in the way of their creativity too.  We have disagreements about how things should be handled.  We either learn to work with one another or we stop doing it altogether.  I don't regret making the decisions I've made along the way, but it doesn't make things easier.

All that to remind myself if I read this later at some point: you did what you thought was right.  It was right for you whether you made others uncomfortable and angry.  Their feelings are theirs.  And yours are your own.  Maybe it wasn't enjoyable at the time, but you did get a laugh out how how silly this whole thing is.  A twenty-something doesn't have the life experience you do, so don't let them diminish your wisdom by saying you did wrong.

You did what was right for YOU and YOU are what matters.