Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 10 - Setback

     How can you tell if you're currently having a setback day?  Because I can't touch the phone right now.  I'm trying to get over it.  Thought maybe if I wrote it through that I'd feel better enough to do what I need to do, but my brain is not letting me reach out and dial the numbers.

     Last Wednesday I decided to mow the lawn after putting in a couple more applications over the weekend.  I had a bit of a prayer session while mowing, asking that if any of the jobs I had applied for were the right ones for me that I'd get a phone call that day (or rather, I guess before going to my interview on Friday) and the day was quiet and I never heard the phone nor feel my cell vibrate in my pocket as I mowed.  I came in and checked the answering machine and it wasn't blinking.
     Skip forward to Friday, got my interview over, no problem.  Skip to Saturday and picked up the phone to call my mom to talk to her and it said there was a new voice mail.  I hadn't seen that before, checked it, two days before I'd had a call from one of my applications wanting me to come in for an interview, call them back.  At that point I was in a pretty good place so I did almost immediately after getting the message but the manager was out until Tuesday.

     Skip forward to Tuesday - that's today.  Woke up early, the person who had answered the phone the other day said she'd be back in by nine and maybe call a little while later, to get things sorted out?  Okay, but can I leave my name that I called?  Okay, so I did, felt better, moved on, thought about it a bit, needed to get ready for the weekend, kind of pushed it to the back of my head, until this morning.
     Nine in the morning.  Reach for the phone....no.  Not yet, she's probably just gotten in and had a weekend of things to catch up on.  Nine Thirty - pharmacy calls saying I have a prescription ready - I've been ignoring them, just really don't want to deal with that right now.  Let's wait a bit longer, my heart was already pounding thinking that maybe she was calling me.
     Ten in the morning....anxiety.  And I mean ANXIETY.  Tried to calm myself down but my brain was running by then.  Do I really want to work in retail again?  What about those bad reviews I read online about this company?  Sure, not a problem.  But what about the drive?  What about in winter?  What if I call and they've already found someone else?  What if....?  What if?  What if?!!!

     Eleven.  Husband comes down, wants to go get some things at the store.  No, not going to go, too nervous - what if I miss the call?  What if I just call NOW, myself?  No, not with him around.  Just go...head to the store, I'll stay here.  No calls.  Can't reach for the phone.  Too nervous.
     Eleven thirty.  Go out front and do some weeding in the garden.  This will calm me down, right?  Realize I'm having a bit setback day.  The anxiety has returned and every time that I start getting myself pumped up again, I drop right back.  What if I don't get it at all?  What if I'm stressing myself out about all of this and I don't even get the job?  What if I do get the job and I can't get time off to do all of the things that I have scheduled this summer?  What if I can't afford to do any of that because I don't have a job to do it?

     So, maybe if I write?

     I pause for a minute to watch a clip on TV and get annoyed because my husband is chomping and munching and crunching next to me.  I just want him to go somewhere else to eat his lunch.

     I think that's anxiety too.

     I think I'm hungry too.  Maybe I'll eat.  I have a game to prepare for this afternoon.  I have a house to straighten up before everyone comes.  I have less then 5 hours to get all of that done and I still haven't done what I was supposed to do this morning.

     What I was supposed to do this morning was get up, get a shower and dressed.  Then call the store and set up an interview, which, in my mind this weekend would happen almost immediately so I would go over to the store and then hit the pet store for cat food afterward.  Then come home and prep the game.


Had lunch.  Watched some television.  Talked to a friend on the phone.  2:30pm rolled around and I finally had enough confidence to call the job.

     I was on hold for a bit and finally came back and said, the gal was already holding interviews right now and she'd keep my application on file.

     I didn't call back.  I screwed myself.  What an idiot.

     But maybe my friend was right, maybe things happen for a reason - maybe I didn't hear the phone call on that day not because I'd asked to hear from the 'right job' on that day, but because that wasn't the right job so I didn't hear from it and I guess the reason I was so adverse to calling all day was all for a reason....right?

     I feel a bit bummed though.  I feel like I failed myself.  But also, sort of relieved too, maybe?  I don't know.  I guess I have other things I need to do... and I need to get myself back into a better mental state.  But I do feel like today was kind of a setback day.  And it shouldn't be because it's a beautiful, sunny spring day and I shouldn't be feeling down on myself...

But I do.

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