Sunday, March 10, 2019

2019 - Focus on My Mental Health pt. 2

     I'm into my new Mental Health awareness plan five days now.  The balance of feeling crappy and feeling excited and happy is still balanced in favor of feeling crappy, but I think the majority of that has to do with work and one particular person.  But, I guess I'll go over a few of the things that have been pretty good for me the last few days.

Thursday - cleared out a few of my old toys and made some donation plans.

Friday - went out for dinner by myself.  Picked up Raisin' Canes, which, even though I regretted it later (stomach reasons) I did feel good getting out of work for a short time and being able to finally allow myself to go out and do something rather than eating my packed lunch.

Saturday - did some shopping, went out to breakfast, shopped at Costco, walked around the mall for a bit, bought some new miniature paint, then came home and put some finishing of figures.  Worked on getting a few more done and then after we went grocery shopping I brought home spray paint to fix the rusting vent covers.  They look awesome.  Suddenly it's like I've been able to wipe out that anxiety I got every time I looked at them thinking about the months (almost a year) of cleaning cat pee up every single day.  Although, on another hand, I found old cat pee on the wall (I'm pretty sure it was old as it didn't smell very strongly) while doing some other cleaning, but just having those vents looking better was like a breath of fresh air for me.

Sunday - finally got the seasonal set done at work that was due TWO WEEKS ago.

For the last few days too I've been doing some online money making, doing meaningless internet tasks.  It's not much really, but I thought maybe it would be something I could do to keep me from mindlessly scrolling Facebook every day which is part of my problem I think.

     I also had a sudden thought this evening.  I used to write emails.  I used to write a LOT of emails.  I think something to do with those emails I used to be able to get out my anxiety and depression on paper and then move on with my life, and hopefully my "pen pal" that I emailed would get back to me and I'd be able to work through all of those issues.  (Unlike when I simply just write in my diary or here.)  I realized that was a HUGE change in my life the last few years.  Just about 2016 things changed and suddenly I didn't have anyone to unload my problems on, or have problems unloaded onto either.  Because sometimes writing back to someone also gives me this amazing feeling of knowing that someone cares about me enough to tell me all of these deep dark secrets.  I don't have anyone like that except perhaps my husband.  I miss it so much.  Sure, I have a few people that we share things in common and talk about very surfacy things.  I don't have someone I can say "my life sucked today, I'd really like to talk about it, and you can tell me about how much yours sucked too."

     So, I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do about that issue.  I write a lot in my daily life, but there must have been something so cathartic about it over the years that my depression just didn't take over my life as it has the last few years.  I know I had depression, but I found ways to get up and keep moving and doing something else.  It's been very difficult to force myself to get up and going.  But THAT is what this Lent is all about - getting up, getting moving, and figuring out exactly what I need to do to beat this thing.

     More updates to come, hopefully!

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