Sunday, March 24, 2019

2019 - Focus on My Mental Health pt. 5

     Been awhile since I posted in here, but I guess that might be a semi-good thing if I've been too busy to brood?  Maybe so, or maybe it's because I've been in a weird place this last week or so.  About a week ago my hubby headed out for the weekend with the express orders to 'go out, and have fun' while he was gone.  Of course I could have gone with him, but I decided that maybe I just needed to try to get out on my own and do something I hadn't in quite a long time.  My last attempt at 'go out and have fun' was back in the late fall when I headed to the Lynd Fruit farm to pick up my apples and cider to last me through the winter months, but on the way back my car tires decided to throw up warning about low tire pressure, so it cut my trip short.  I was stressed out from trying to find a place to go to refill the tires for the rest of the day, and for the next week I stayed stressed out until I finally bought a portable air compressor.
     So, after packing away that air compressor, I made an identical trip out to get some apples and cider and jams and it was quite busy for being about five days before the start of spring.  The people there said, "see you in July!" and everyone there (including myself) said, "Yup!"  Because that'll be the start of peach season and hopefully the cold winters didn't kill off too many of the trees.  I did notice as I drove away that a stand of some 20-30 trees were pulled up at the roots, dead.  I'm not entirely sure what type of apples, and whether they'd died or were pulled to make a bigger parking lot, but it was an image that will stick with me.
     The rest of the morning was spent trying to find a craft mall I'd kept seeing online and when I finally got there it seemed to have a lot of potential...but was very disappointing (and I'd realize was the slowest of all of the places I went that day) so I crossed it off my list for future trips.  I went to another antique store and then headed out to Clifton Mill to see the place during the spring instead of Christmas time.  Took a good hour drive, but I had forgotten that I enjoy driving on my own as long as it's not going somewhere I've been before.
     And it was a peaceful sort of day driving and hitting the places and I'm looking forward to seeing the mill during the summer when there are trees and no Christmas lights (although I have a feeling they stay in the trees, but at least seeing the cliffs would be pretty without).  But there were hints of what it would be like when it's not swarming with people.
     The rest of the day was spent hopping between antique stores out west and every single place was more full then I'd ever seen them.  But it was fun and I was exhausted by the end of the day, but in a good way.

     The only downfall that day was getting ridiculously angry over not getting dinner by myself until after I'd been home for awhile because I thought my husband was getting home on time to have dinner but had meant he was leaving by dinnertime and wouldn't be there until nearly 8pm.  So I'd gotten angry but it was probably hunger more than anything, I think.

     But I haven't been taking the depression medication.  I really wanted to see what would change between taking it and not.  So I started around then and at first there was the burst of anger, but overall I didn't notice any large changes because I made myself get going and got myself off the sofa.  And I've worked on projects around the house now since then - pulled out the carpets in the closets of my bedroom and redid the flooring.  Then since then I've also changed out the guest bathroom floors too.  Doing something with my hands really makes me happier than anything else.  I get my butt away from the television and get doing other things.
     So I haven't taken any of the pills and I've gotten a bit more sunshine which may or may not be helping - I am trying to get my mindset right again.  So I've also been walking around the yard lately as well, making plans about what I want to do with the yard in the upcoming months.

     Let's get up to speed though.  Today was yard work day.  I got the trash picked up, pansies planted in pots and the little wagon.  Then cleaned the leaves from the curb and had a family pull over and say to me, "it's really nice seeing someone do that, no one does that around here."  And I'm thinking to myself, yeah, but not everyone has as many leaf and water issues as I do... but I thanked them and we talked about the fact that it was nice out.  But I was slightly shaky by the end and I'm not sure if it was because I was startled or pleased.
     It did make me feel a bit curious about whether or not the pills have been helping more with the anxiety.  I thought both days on the way to work this week for closing shifts that I haven't had any anxiety going into work.  I'm hoping it wasn't because of the pills, but I'll find out for sure after the next birth control rotation because that's what I really thought was affecting me.  So, we'll see.  Got another week or so.
     I have realized that I've been kind of annoyed because my husband isn't very active.  I kept hinting that I wanted to go for a drive today.  Convinced him to go to breakfast and then we went to get groceries and then we went home and he plopped down in front of the TV and didn't move.  I finally just had to get up because I couldn't stand it anymore, and I really should have just gotten up and left the house...but we did go get flowers so I did the yardwork thing which needed it anyway.
     Later this week, however, I'm going to try getting out and making that drive.  It doesn't make me happy to just sit around doing nothing all the time.  I think I need to accomplish things with my hands to make me happy.  I do realize for the last month I've been working on orders at work for framing which I used to do regularly and part of me realizes that's a big thing for me to keep me happy.  So... I've been considering looking into trying to find another job that will help me keep my hands busy.

     Here's the thing, though.  I WANT to get a new job.  I'd really like to be able to move on to something that I could go in, make some things, then go home again.  But, my job gives me good benefits and I've been there forever and I'm not entirely sure how I could move on until I knew that my husband's job was secure enough to take care of us for awhile until I worked my way up again.  His work is so unstable, but it's been that way forever and I kept thinking I should just 'wait' and yet I've been waiting all of these years now and it hasn't changed things.  So, what am I waiting for?  Now I feel like I've waited too long and it's so hard to move on.

     Well, ultimately I'm okay right now.  About a week without the anti-depressants.  I've had a few sad days and would really like to move.  I think though it's more the television and the Facebook and I really need to get away from both of those things again, and that's what I'm going to work on this upcoming week.

Wish me luck!

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