Depressed but Willing

About a month ago I lost one of my best friends.  It hasn't been an easy road for me, and I don't think it will get better in the near future, but little by little the pain lessens.

If you haven't lost anyone in your life it's hard to imagine, and every time it doesn't really work the same way.  Grief does come in those stages they all talk about, sometimes it happens fast, sometimes it happens over years.  And each stage can be a lifetime summed up in little moments or more painful ones.

I believe that Olivia was willed I to existence by me wanting something so incredibly special that it seems sort of impossible, and in the forefront of my mind I'm really hoping I can do it again.

Yeah, maybe I'm marking myself as gullible or superstitious, but when my dad died I wanted a cat so bad that I asked my mom for one almost daily.  And we did get a cat, but he immediately took a liking to my brother more and so I waited for a time when I could find MY cat.

A friend had kittens a few years later and I sat patiently waiting for one to come to me, to pick ME, and when he did he was my cat, he got into things, caused trouble, but spent almost every free moment he could with me.

And then I found my future husband and we moved away and I was so sad he couldn't come with me to the apartment.  I pushed so hard to get a house before we could bring him home, but he went down hill so quickly it broke my heart.  I blames myself for leaving him behind and vowed he'd come back to me one day.

When we found a house it took very little time for us to settle in and start looking for a cat of our own.  The first one I thought would be ours fell through immediately and just as a whim at the very last hour before the humane society closed we went to go look at cats.

Right there in a display up front, romping with other kittens was the little grey kitten named Brioche (terrible name) but I flung that cage open and she romped over to me and for almost thirteen years we were inseparable.

Olivia (Livvy) was a menace, throwing herself at rugs, meowing at all times of the night, wanting equal time to play and cuddle, demanding I spend all my time with her (to the detriment of husband cuddles) and wanted to be chased, play tag, go outside, climb on every surface and just took over the house.

She wasn't my old boy, six months later we'd find out black girl and she even looks like him as she sleeps....

I feel Olivia was the part I needed the most, the one who got me through the pandemic, climbing all over me during conference calls, keeping me company in an otherwise lonely house, getting me through any rough moments I had by rubbing herself into my face and covering my mouth in hair that I couldn't get off until it got into my eyes and I had to forget about whatever it was I was sad about.

Through all of that I thought I could keep her at least 13 years, but it was all cut short early by cancer and I made the terrible decision to make the pain go away.

And every moment I look for her in a spot she's gone.  Every place makes me cry.  Every memory brings me to tears but it also gets better with each time I sob over a memory.

But I'm also stubborn.  I want me cat back again.  I want THIS cat, I want the one that picks ME each time.  I know I have to be patient.  If you believe in reincarnation or whatever it is, nine lives...? I want to be there for the next one and she's not been gone for five weeks... Hardly enough time for a kitten to grow up yet.

Maybe I sound like a loony toon, but I've got to TRY...  I think that's what's keeping me going now instead of falling into the misery I went through the last few times I lost someone.

More on Minecraft - some time later

Just thought I'd pop in here again after it had been some time since I've been playing Minecraft. So, I started a Minecraft YouTubec channel which I thought was pretty spiffy. I've even gotten about 13... or so subscribers? Most of them organic, a few of them friends and a few family, but I really haven't been getting many views or anything, so it's still growing. I only started posting minecraft videos about...hrm... two months ago. But the reason I wanted to type today is because I had a really rough weekend. I have been posting these videos online for a little while, pretty proud of all of the hard work and creativity that has gone into not only having to record, but narrate, edit, add in music, and come up with building things and trying to think of interesting topics to do that might make me stand out from other YouTubers. And I like it, and it's fun for me and relaxing and I've even had my first troll, even if it was a brief shrug - it was still a COMMENT and I was so happy! It was Easter weekend and my mom and my in-laws were over, and yes, I'm a 42 year old something who's been playing and posting Minecraft videos, but dammit, I was PROUD of those. My Mother in law complained about the sound. Well, yes, I do tend to speak kind of quietly... Okay, that can be improved with a better system over time if I get more viewers maybe it'll be worth adding in some more money to it...right? I was bothered of course, so it started to weigh on me and I'm like - I can fix this easily, right? I have a good microphone, let's work on getting this fixed. So I started researching good mixers to possibly help my sound...sound better, you know? Headset on, watching the YouTube video and my Mom was sitting on her laptop behind me so I thought it was all hunky-dory, she'd be entertained on her own thing. But then came the nagging - "I'm sure whatever that is isn't THAT important..." And it just really hit me because for FORTY-TWO years all I wanted was my mother's support in everything I do, and no matter what damn hobby I pick up she's never happy for me. I used to draw and write and she'd never hang it on the fridge or put it in a frame. It would get shoved in a drawer or box somewhere. I would make ornaments for the Christmas tree and they'd get put on the "kids" tree but not her shiny white and blue tree. For a time I worked on writing novels but no one wanted to read them unless I shoved it in their faces. I worked on an online store for awhile and she was sort of supportive of that but I felt critized for everything. So....yeah... I got really upset, the "straw that broke the camel's back" or whatever you want to say - but I just broke down. I hid in the closet for an hour and NO ONE CAME TO LOOK FOR ME. Eventually I had to pee and I climbed out again and then my husband was like "oh, you're back." SIGH. I'm fighting on and making the most of my videos though. I just posted 16 and 17 (scheduled for future release) and I'm feeling pretty content that I'm still making better videos than some YouTubers out there. It's just that I'm so bummed that no one from my own family or close friends bother to watch what I make or care about it the way I do. Maybe...maybe someday I'll find some friends who care the same way I do.

Focus on Me - pt 4 - Minecrafting into 2021

Wow...it has been a long time since I've written in here, hasn't it?  All the way through 2019 and through part of 2020 I was pretty much glued to my blogs, trying to get something updated once a week or so, and trying to help my mental health by getting things out of my head an on to "paper".

Now, it's been about six months later and things are, well, more or less the same.  About the same time that I left off of the blogs I started into the game of Minecraft.  It was a free solution to me wanting to create and decorate and explore the world around me (well, free in the sense that I only had to purchase the game but not the materials, that just took time).

I feel like I really need to dig deep into my new obsession with Minecraft.  Here I am, about to go into my 42nd year, and I'm obsessed with this digging, building, and battling game.  At first I played it only on the weekends, spending time with my friends on a shared server and eventually only my husband and I were on there for the most part until then there was me.  My friends still helped me defeat the dragon, still worked on their builds, but eventually they moved on to other games and doing other things.  We'd exhausted pretty much all there was to do - especially since they weren't into building and designing as much as I am.

And obsessed...yes, my evenings were spent exploring and building maps, finding beautiful scenery in this cartoon landscape and it helped me forget about how 2020 sucked.  About the fact I could no longer play D&D with my friends in person, how I barely left the house but to occasionally go to the grocery store or the park to walk.  

In this world... I was free.  I could hang out with my friends (when they were there) or hang out with the NPC villagers which is what I spent a lot of time doing, coming up with small stories and going on adventures to build the most amazing things I could think of.  Of course...this was before I started watching YouTube videos putting anything my mind had come up with to shame thus far...but that's for another time.

My house recreated in Minecraft

When I did discover all of the other builders out there I realized quite quickly that I wanted more challenges.  My husband tried to start up a modded game, and he played with me for a few days, then dropped off each time we'd start up something new.  I'd press on, enjoying every moment until I had my own single player "X-Life" game where I managed to max out everything and had a wonderful village all on my own.

Since then I've played around with other resource packs (the picture above is MizunoCraft16 with some Ghoulcraft thrown in) but I'm pretty happy with how close I could build a replica of a house I live in.  It's not perfect, but since I had the constraints of what blocks are available and not having a whole lot of extra mods...it's not too bad either.

I've thought of doing some other things with this new found obsession, but, overall, I guess my anxiety makes me push a way from going streaming or trying to do other things like that.  Is it bad?  No, absolutely not.  Not every Minecrafter needs to be a Twitch streamer...or YouTuber, but I do like to show off what I've created and I'm proud of the things that I've done with my time even if they aren't physical creations.

Unfortunately, I feel a lot of the time that the push I had two years ago at this time, when I'd lost my job at the craft store and moved into attempting crafts full-time for the summer of 2019... it feels very far away now.  I'm definitely a different person than I was then.  I don't feel like the same excited, bright-eyed, "let's do this!" kind of person I was then.  

But you know, dammit, even if people don't appreciate the time and effort I put into this game... even if they don't seem to care that I want to show them what I've made because it's not tangible...well, screw it.  I AM PROUD of it.  I find relief in these things, no matter how strange it might seem.

And I'll probably keep up with it for a while longer, because that's what brings me comfort.

Focus on Me - pt 4 - Anxiety

   Because I realize I haven't done this for a while, I decided to sit down and do a little bit of self-therapy by writing down what's been going on with me, try to get it out.  I write a diary every day, so you'd think that would be enough, but sometimes a single page in a journal just isn't enough to get those rambling thoughts out to be a relief.
     I think that talking to people would help, but anxiety makes it impossible.  If you've ever had one of those issues that you've talked about over and over again and feel like you're bothering everyone around you by talking about it more than once, you probably have anxiety just like me.  So, it makes it difficult.  I have a couple friends, my husband and my mom and that's just about it.  And feeling like I'm always complaining is a bad feeling.
     So, that's what this blog is for, and I really don't want to sound like a "negative nancy" about it, but that's how things have been going lately.  I'm tired.  I'm exhausted.  My work was pretty good at the beginning of the year because we had plenty of people on staff, but that has dropped off drastically to the point there's maybe a handful every day. 
     They gave me a job to do emails, which was kind of nice for a while, but the busier we got, the more stressed out I got.  Then we started losing people so they expected me to do my job but also do phones, and I realized the other week when I was back on phones permanently, that it was the feeling of helplessness, watching that inbox fill up while I was on the phones that it was causing me the worst anxiety.  We used to be slow enough (or rather we had enough humans to answer phones) that we could bounce between the emails and calls.  Now, it's either straight one or the other with very time to do anything else.
      I was going to start talking to my bosses about this, but then we had to cancel all of the meetings because of how busy we have been, and then they keep asking me to work overtime, and it all compounds.  I don't mind my job, but the fact that we're just so overwhelmed makes me feel that way.

     I kind of miss not having a job, even though I was anxious about that.  But I look around my house every day thinking - I need to get all of this stuff done.  But I don't have the energy to actually do any of it when I'm off of work.  That stresses me out too because my husband makes a mess everywhere he goes and has no sense of urgency to clean it up after himself.  So then I have that on top of me too.
     Thankfully I do have a week scheduled off coming up, and I'd like to go somewhere in order to just get away for a while.  But...we're still in a pandemic.  I just don't know what to do about the stress overall.

     Is this little complaint fest helping any?  Maybe a little bit.  I honestly don't care if anyone reads this but I just want it to be OUT of me.  Even if it's on virtual paper.  I miss people, I miss being around people, but I also am glad I don't have to feel forced to see them either.  I really would like to just leave for a day.  I'd like to just call off work myself and spend some "me" time, but it's been really hard lately because I also have a very strong sense of devotion to my job, even if it is the cause of most of my stress.
      I miss earlier this year when I first started and felt good about everything.  Sigh.

Focus on my Career - pt 8 - Sleepless Night

     I finally reached six months at my new job.  It wasn't celebrated, there wasn't any hoopla, and it was marked only by an email sent out by the people who administer our payroll.  I didn't expect anything really, even though working in a startup small milestones tend to count since there's such high turnover, but things went on as usual.  It's okay, I didn't expect much.
     The winter months went by smoothly, but then things started to roll in a different direction as we went from a team of 20 or so to just a dozen or so.  There was quite a considerable cut in staffing at the beginning of the month, and I spent a sleepless night thinking about how I wasn't part of this one.  Before, when that terrible retail place I worked for decided to make cuts I was almost always on the side that got cut.
     My friend said it's because I have PTSD from my previous job and yes, I think in so many ways I do.  I worry constantly about doing something wrong, making that one mistake that will get me fired, and having my heartbeat out of its chest every time I send off that email.
     At first, my job seemed like a simple call center job, nothing special, help a person get access to their account, explain a bill, or something along those lines.  I knew that I had to verify everyone, but it seemed simple and straight forward.  Then came the quality assurance, which was okay at first until I got back my first results and realized I'd screwed up big time on something so simple and small as one piece of information.  One mark on my record.  I got two more before I could be fired for it.  And each month they go over at least 7 such pieces, so in one month I could screw up and lose my job in an instant.
     It kept me up all night after that first score, and I vowed to do better.  My eyes crossed and I started to freak out about any little thing that didn't quite match, questioning every single email or phone call I took.
     That was before the cuts were made where we lost some people, most likely due to some of those same issues.  Then came another one last week which was a big shock to some of my coworkers.  I just kept plugging along, forever anxious with every email and phone call that I still take, thinking about if I forgot to double-check something or should I trust myself that I would have noticed something wrong?
   
     I finally took a day off for myself.  It's been six months and I've only taken one other day off since the pandemic has made things impossible to go anywhere and everything I had scheduled has been canceled or closed.  But today I wanted a day to sit in the house and not work, not think about my anxiety with sending that next email, and just wanted a day to let everything go.
     Unfortunately, I'm also completely exhausted.  I could barely sleep last night and even though I have all of these plans for myself, I also just barely can get motivated to do any of them.  But maybe that's good?  Maybe that's what I should be doing for myself?  Just relaxing?

     I've also been thinking about my friend who wanted me to work with her originally back in November.  I had gotten a job offer, and I probably could have taken that job, but the one I have now offered perhaps less security, but more money and didn't give me (then) as much anxiety as that one did.  I felt bad.  My friend was disappointed.  I think she thought I let her down, that I abandoned her, and possibly had favored another over her.
     But I saw how happy she was at her new job.  She had a cool new desk, new co-workers who had become her friends, and she had all of these new hobbies she was getting into.  She was posting pictures of her decorations, games she played, and things she was doing.  And her co-workers were starting to comment on her Facebook feed to the point that I know she had added them as friends.
     And me?  I have one friend who I've added on Facebook and that was long before I worked there.  I haven't added anyone else, nor have I made plans with any of them, or tried to reach out in any capacity.  I harken back to that PTSD, worried that at any moment I could lose this job and thus break all contacts. 
      They said when all of those people were fired that we could still "reach out" to them...but I had no way to do that.  I had no contacts with them and thus no ability to say, "hey, how are you doing?"  And that made me sad because my friend has moved on without me and has made all sorts of new friends.
   
     It takes so much for me to open up to new people.  I literally took nearly a decade to make friends with my co-workers at my old job.  And now it feels like I just don't have the ability to reach out at my new job with having to work from home and not being able to get to know people in person.
     I worry about losing the friends I have.  We spent all this time playing D&D together and now it seems things are drifting away even though I've been really trying hard for it not to.  Every time I start to tell a story with a person or a group of people we never seem to finish, and damn it, I really want to finish this one!
     But... it's been over a year now since everything changed, and it's been about three or so months since the pandemic started.  I know we can outlast the closures and the worries about being apart, at least we'll give it our best shot to!  But I also worry about what I need to do to keep everything held together that I've worked so hard at.

     And that's where my sleepless night came from.  That's what ran through my mind over and over again as I tossed and turned.  And hopefully putting this down will help me move past it and relax during the next four days I have off.  I hope.

Glenhaven's Son Enirch - pt. 4 - A New Mission

     Originally intending to use the dynamite themselves, Enirich and Matthew realized that then the band of adventurers showed up in town, maybe it was best to leave it to the experts.  He wasn't very old, and even though he had been trained, he knew that the Drow out in the magically darkened woods were a bit more than he and Matthew and the handful of other trained men in town could handle.  

     He didn't trust the dwarf Garig at first.  The cleric had been part of the adventurer group who had killed his parents almost a year ago, but he'd met the man before he left for Waterfordshire and truth be told had more or less trusted him.  He decided eventually he would talk it over with Garig in private and see whether they'd really slaughtered his parents in cold blood or there was another reason.

     And now that he had arrived with other adventurers, he did wonder if the dwarf had been just a pawn in their scheme.  After all, the tall elven druid seemed to be the leader and she was the one always trying to kill him.  Enirich just shrugged it off and allowed the others to see if they could successfully take down the towers and get the rest of the explosives from the mines.

     It honestly didn't take very long for it to all play out, only within the span of a day or two, and they had felled the first tower and then headed to the second.  They cleared most of the Drow from the woods, and then went to go close off the abandoned mine entrance.  However, Garig returned to town before they would head further.  The new adventurers had discovered that the Drow who fought them had no idea where they were.  In fact, they said they had been kidnapped from somewhere and dropped here, and were only fighting because they thought they had to.

     Bringing the Drow back into town, they joined the rest of the Waterfordshire group, because, in fact, they WERE part of that group, just transported here from journeying South.  The rest of the adventurers decided to delve further into the mine before blowing it up as they wondered if it actually lead to the Underdark at all.

     So Garig stayed behind to help, and Enirich, Tra'Laga and the other townsfolk tried to piece together what was going on...  Caspian, the wizard became more and more distant and eventually after a brief visit, announced he would be leaving town for a time after he made preparations, that he had to talk to someone he knew.  He would be there for about a week.

     It was right around then that Garig's old adventurer group arrived.  Enirich was upset, but he had taken a little bit of time to speak to Garig, and now that it had been nearly a year since the incident, he decided to let it go...at least for now.  His parents had been fooled, but they had also done their share of damage, so he was trying to resolve that in his mind.

     Tra'Laga helped him cool down, her level head really made things better.  But when they all showed up in his house suddenly, it was quite a shock.  The elven girl was still as haughty as ever but the black dragonborn kept her at bay and they did agree to help the other Drow in Waterfordshire.  So, he traveled with them with Tra'Laga's urging and headed back to his home of a couple years.

     Things had changed in the last few months since he had left.  The Mayor had been turned into an undead and had been killed by the General.  With no heirs to speak of, the General took over thinking he would be voted during the spring session.  He had taken the opportunity to roust the Drow from the catacombs, flooding the underground system, and had captured those who tried to escape.

     Enirich's old teacher Marcus, was working to find someone else to go against General Lockborne in the election, but except for himself had not found any suitable candidates.  The city had been ruled by a King not 50 years before, and the Mayor had taken over at a fairly young age without an election (which made him King, but he tried to put on airs that he had set up a Democracy).  Enirich hoped that his teacher might actually try to get elected, but Marcus never really liked politics.

     There were a few other smaller officials who started to look like they were interested in taking over, but they were deathly afraid of Lockborne, and kept quiet.

     With a possible landslide election looming, Enirich worked with Marcus in secret to help the group with Garig to take the few pitiful imprisoned Drow out of town and take them North to get them help.  They started scheming and things seemed to be going along fairly well... but Lockborne had a whole lot more ears and eyes in the town then Marcus or Enirich had imagined.

     The night before they were about to proceed with the operation, the General was on high alert and locked down the bridges, closed down the waterways, and put new guards at the gates.  They had only just managed to have the correct guards at the Northern gate the evening they were going to make the getaway.

     However, Lockborne had caught wind of it and had set a trap.  As Enirich and Marcus finalized their plans to head to the northern gate themselves, Lockborne's men captured them.  They were taken to jail to be questioned.  

     Meanwhile, hell broke lose as the Drow made it out the North gate, but a dragon attacked... The General and his men fought those at the gate making the escape, but there was also a huge earth elemental that broke down the Southern gate.

     Enirich had a feeling he knew who caused this interruption, but didn't say anything, disappointed that he had trusted the group with Garig not to destroy his town.  But, he and Marcus couldn't do anything as they were currently in chains, locked up.

     The elemental plowed through building after building for 45 minutes or so, fires from chimneys lighting a chunk of the city on fire until it just sunk back into the ground and disappeared.

     By then the city was in chaos and word soon spread that a giant ape had killed the General.  Again... it could only have been the work of ONE particular druid.  

     Enirich and Marcus were able to convince the guards who were keeping them that the General had gone crazy and that they needed leadership in order to bring things back to order.  So eventually, albeit reluctantly, the guards let them go and Marcus soon took control of the situation.

     The old wizard who ran the magic school managed to put out the fires and started to help the townsfolk pick up the pieces within the town.  Enirich fell into his old habits with his friends from school and they all started working together to get things back together again.

     He did get word briefly from Garig at one point that the Drow had escaped and they were making their way north.  He sent word again from Tra'Laga, wondering if he was okay and if she should come down to meet him, but Enirich figured it would be maybe another month and then he would join her once again.

     Also, he didn't want to face those adventurers, and the longer he stayed away from Glenhaven, the better his chances were they'd be gone by the time he arrived.

     Enirich settled into life in Waterfordshire in his old apartment again.  Trade resumed in the town again, the catacombs were allowed to be closed off again, although now there were no Drow to take up residence again, they did find what was left of the black market, flooded and worthless.

     Marcus managed to convince a few of the government officials to set up, if not an election, something like a cabinet in order to bring order to the chaos that had befallen the city over the past year or so.  He and the other Bronze Stars started an effort to bring some sort of peace back to Waterfordshire.

     

     It had only been about a week when word came from Glenhaven that they were planning on taking the Drow to a city in the North called "Northwynd".  Tra'Laga was planning to go with her brother X'Ranth, and wanted him to come with them.  He said there was still work to do, which was true, but also because he wasn't sure of himself anymore.  He liked the Drow woman, but she... he wasn't sure he wanted to move hundreds of miles away from where he grew up either.  His friends were here.  So he kept telling her he'd catch up, but wasn't quite sure if he actually would.

     Then, something unusual happened.  The Tritons arrived.

     Enirich had heard of these creatures in the past, they were what old fisherman called "Merfolk".  According to Marcus, they would typically arrive in town once or twice a year, passing their way through town with items to trade, and then would go on to other port cities.  The Tritons looked almost as much like fish as like man, but they spoke common with ease and he was appointed to the welcome committee since he had become Marcus's Lieutenant in the last week or so (although unofficially he supposed).

     The Tritons had a ship, although it looked like...well, it could go completely under the water, so a submarine?  But it was long and sleek, and when it breached the water that afternoon, it was the most foreign thing he had ever seen.  A male and female stepped out onto the shore, skin glistening in the daylight, and they had weapons at their waists, and looked incredibly strong.

  

     "I am Lorelei, High Guard of the Emerald Guard of the Triton, and this is Delnis, Trade Chairsman of the Ruby Pearl, our Ship behind us.  We wish to trade wares."  Lorelei stood about as tall as Enirich, her skin a light blue that darkened at the fingers and toes (all of which he could see were webbed) and teal hair.  Her build was muscular, probably making her an excellent swimmer and a fast fighter both on land and in the ocean.  Her partner had more of a silver coloration to his skin, and as he moved Enirich could see that they were both covered in fine scales.  They breathed air but also had gills.

    Enirich stepped forward, "I am Enirich, Lieutenant of the Bronze Stars here, we welcome you to Waterfordshire.  I do have some unfortunate news however, our city just saw a large disturbance recently, and many of our merchants have fled town temporarily."  He bowed slightly, "We will do our best to try to offer you what we can but we are hurting."

    Lorelei stepped forward, "It wasn't the Water Elemental again, was it?"

    Slightly shocked at her response, Enirich shook his head, "No, Earth Elemental actually... what's this about a Water Elemental...?"  He started to think back to his time in Waterfordshire over the past few years but he hadn't ventured very close to the shore or talked to the sailors or fisherman, although he had heard tales told about creatures in the ocean.

    Looking a bit relieved, Lorelei tuned to look at Delnis, "We had fought back a Water Elemental near your shores about a year ago and took it back to the Plane of Water.  We're not sure where it came from, but it was quite strong and almost overtook a ship before it was pushed back by some warriors on board the ship.  But this Elemental...you are sure you do not have anything you can trade?"

     Shaking his head, "We are happy to have you here and we will do what we can, but we just recently lost our Mayor, and now our General, and the government is just trying to rebuild.  The ones we think caused the Elemental's rampage headed north and we're discussing whether or not to send someone up there... and now that you mention a Water Elemental a year ago..."  He drifted off, could that Druid have caused even more havoc then he had originally thought?

     "You say someone summoned the Elemental?"

     Enirich merely nodded.  "A fairly powerful Druid.  She and her party headed north a little over a week ago, but they were in this town about the time you mentioned the Water Elemental showed up."

     "I would... like to see this druid you speak of and question her.  One should not be taking creatures from their natural planes and just plopping them here and there to create havoc."  Lorelei crossed her arms over her ample chest.  "You will take me there and Delnis and the others will help you rebuild the city so we may finish our trade before we head West."

     "I...um...well, I wasn't going there myself..." Enirich sputtered.  The very muscular arms of Lorelei made him nervous.  The more he looked at her, the more he was fairly sure she could fold him in half if she wanted to.  "But, I suppose maybe I could arrange..."

    The triton shook her head, "No, you will do.  You can take me there.  Make arrangements, we will start off tomorrow morning."  She turned, speaking in some other language to the other triton and they headed back to the ship.

     Enirich stood in an opened mouth confusion.  What just happened?!  He had just decided he wasn't going to head North again, would let Tra'Laga go ahead to Northwynd and never see her again...and now he was going to show up with a mermaid trailing behind him...?

     He started to wonder if he could just escape at night and maybe hide out for awhile.  He turned, thinking he'd start packing when the fish woman turned, "Oh no... I need you to help me pack, come with me."  And she grabbed him by the arm, hauling Enirich behind him to the ship.

    And thus, Enirich's new mission had begun....whether he liked it or not.

How I'm Dealing with the Pandemic

     So, let's jump back in time to a year ago.  I walked out of my old job, learning to take on life one step at a time with no future ahead of me.  I knew that I wanted to work in customer service, I sorta wanted to move into a field I could be creative, I was happy to find just about any job at all where maybe I could settle into a full-time position that allowed me to occasionally work from home.  And I started my job hunt, but as the summer months wore on with only a bite or two, I stepped back from all of that.

     I got sick off and on from the stress and taught my body how to relax.  I was still anxious, still depressed, but I was being forced to stay home and not work myself to the bone as I had in retail.  I set up my office to better serve my painting needs, I opened an online store that I've (quite honestly) lost interest in now for the most part, but only because I feel like I wasn't hitting a niche that needed to be filled.  And all of my craft shows have been canceled (but more on that later).

     I spent my days working from my home more or less alone, but I worked and I made sure that I had some kind of routine.  It was a "job", albeit a fun one where I could watch YouTube videos and paint all day long but it was work.

     Then I found an actual job that completely sucked, and thankfully I got out of that soon enough and found my new job around the holidays which had the option to work from home once I got comfortable with it.  But I never felt like I needed to and I worried about my cats bugging me while on phone calls, so I didn't push to work from home.  In fact, until I was forced to in March, I'd never prepared to work from home at all.

     Then the pandemic hit, or rather the "Unpleasantness" as one of my favorite YouTubers calls it.

     Suddenly I find myself back at this desk where I'd made my creative space.  I lost most of my desk to a laptop and a second monitor, but overall, it's very similar to the schedule I kept when I didn't have a job.  Get up, get on my desk, do my work, wait until dinner, and then do other things until bed and starting over again.

     When I didn't have a job, I didn't leave the house because doing so meant spending money. Money was hard to come by when I wasn't working, and even with the normal bills I had and no extras I slowly saw my checking account disappear month after month.

     

      So for the few months, we weren't allowed to go out, I did pretty much what I did before.  Stayed home, maybe went for the occasional walk, haven't gone crazy spending money online because the shopping bug for me has almost completely gone away.  I kinda wish sometimes I could just get rid of a lot of the things I've gathered up over the years and when I do think about spending money I think about all the other crap I have laying around here.

     Mind you, I did finally splurge on a couple things only because I wanted to feel...I dunno, normal, again?

     Anyway, so as far as things go, my life hasn't changed too much...yet.  But you see, there are all of these other things that have really changed that I have tried to ignore.  All of the canceled events.  I haven't been able to go anywhere because things have been closed down.  Then I hurt my foot a couple of weeks ago and walking has been sporadic so I don't hurt it much more than I already have... so my one "free" outing was put on hold for a while, sadly.

     I'm mostly rambling here if you haven't noticed, so if you're keeping up with this, kudos to you!

     So now things are opening again.  I made my first purchase on Amazon yesterday in months.  I went to a store last weekend and shopped (albeit with a mask).  I'm still working from home but this last week has been so nice because I've been able to stay off the phone and just concentrate on emails for folks as we tested something so that's pretty awesome too.  I've been painting again so that's awesome too.

     But... I don't think I want to go out to restaurants.  I'm afraid of going to the mall to see how many stores won't reopen (or only for business closing sales).  I don't have a need for anything in my life besides food, mind you, and grocery stores are tolerable still.  But I worry about people getting sick and getting ME sick and I don't feel like shopping is worth it anymore.

     I don't mind wearing masks and social distancing, that's fine.  I didn't like being close to others anyway so it's not all that different!  But I still worry about getting close to people even if I WANT to be close to people.  But I don't think we've gotten to a point where it will all turn out okay yet either.  It's too soon...things returning to normal... I guess I just don't want to face this new "normal" yet.

     And the fact that people just don't seem to want to follow the rules just aggravates me.  But, whatever, do what you do and I'll do what I do, but I'll probably stay home as I do it.

Pandemic #2 - Video Conferencing Woes

     I just wanted to get something off my chest.  So, I was out a job for six months, found a terrible one for a few months, tried again at a few places and secured a job where I could possibly work from home if needed, which was very fortuitous because here we are in the Corona Virus Pandemic and those places that are still open that aren't front line are working from home.  Thankfully, that includes yours truly, and I've been here for over a month now.  I almost feel like I've been working at home longer then I did in the office, although it'll be another month or so before that really happens.

      But in the meantime, things got set up to do video meetings at least once a day, if not three times a day, depending on how many manager one on ones and over conferencing I have to sit through.  It's bad enough that our jobs went from having a review once a week where no one really reviewed anything, to once a month where they reviewed one thing, to suddenly they're critiquing a bunch of things that I do, and I've failed at one already so now I'm stuck at home, anxious about the Pandemic and going outside...but also freaking the heck out about my reviews.  I feel like any moment I'm going to find myself in a conference call where they're going to say, "bring in your electronics, go get your stuff off your desk, you're done."

     Most likely I'm panicking a bit more than I should, but when the world is going to pot, your husband is complaining his job has slowed down so much everyone is fighting for work too, and one of you have to foot the bill at least to keep our lives the way they are...it's awfully stressful.

     And that's not even what I really came here to complain about!  My actual complaint is that I have one gal who hired in about week before me who has decided to become my direct competitor.  She started to have battles with who would get more phone calls in a day, and it wasn't really all that bad when we were in the office because we didn't really sit near one another and except for once a day I didn't even have to say anything to her.

     Now, because we're on the same "stand up meeting" every afternoon I have to listen to her EVERY DAY.  I didn't really like her all that much before, although the only thing I had to base that on was that she seemed kind of dumb.  I think she was feeling sorry for herself for having a baby out of wedlock and hadn't even wanted a kid.  She murmured that once during her first week when I said I didn't have kids which is probably the reason I looked younger then I am.  But from that day on, I think she turned it around to say she loved her baby sooo much and she wants another someday, and hopefully soon... trying to be my exact opposite it felt like.

      As I mentioned, after that point I really didn't have to talk to her too much but now she's on the video call and my coworkers ask about said baby over and over again.  The calls turn into long, drawn out conversations about her and the kid.  I mean, I understand most women are like that, but it's awkward and annoying to me.  I've never wanted children so when we talk about pets or cats instead I'm having a much better time since it's something I can relate to.

      Recently she's also started to show how much of a Trump supporter she is as well.  So, not only is she a breeder, she's a MAGA (sorry, it's probably rude terminology but I don't approve) and it's so frustrating because I don't really want to be anywhere near her now, either online or in the office.  I feel like she's going to become unbearable when she finally gets back into the office.

     So, that's what I've been grumbling about.  I like my job in essence, but it's become a lot lately for me.  I don't even know what to do but ignore her.  I miss when I didn't have someone who seems to be openly competing with me at every step of the way.  I just want to do my job as best I can and work my way up as I have in all of my other jobs, and I don't know how to push for that, but I'm worried that she's attempting to do that too and I don't want to compete with her... I just don't know how much I can do while I'm stuck at home.

Pandemic and Working from Home

     I keep thinking to myself that I need to document this time, especially since it's one that will most likely show up in all of the history books.  How we deal with a virus that has reached nearly every corner of the world (or at least the ones easily connected by airlines), it's amazing what can happen in just a few short months.
     I know it's a terrible thing that so many people are dying.  I know that so many more will still die before this whole thing is over.  People are panicking, buying up everything they can in case they are trapped inside for weeks or even months.  I had thought about that sort of thing in the back of my mind when it first started showing up in other parts of the world, although like many of the other pandemics that have occurred, the USA has been largely spared.
     Of course, no one thought it would reach as far as it did, and many of us were just thinking from time to time, what would we do?  But I don't think any of us took it seriously (except some random preppers anyway!)
     As for me, if anyone actually reads this, I was somewhat taking it seriously.  I've always tried to be prepared for a cold and the eventual quarantine inside of my home.  Heck, after I lost my job just one month shy of a year ago, I self-quarantined.  I didn't have money coming in and I got one bad cold after another.  Before long I'd dropped back on nearly all of my spending and had started a routine for myself.

     So, in a way, last year's joblessness was a preparation for this.

     One day I cleaned up my desk, made enough room to work on painting and posting items on my website (which I need to work on again during this time probably) and then scheduled a routine.  Get up, have breakfast, do a few chores, then go to "work" for about four or so hours a day, painting, doing other things and just overall making sure to keep "working".
     I also suffered from a lot of depression, a lot of anxiety and had a lot of moments of loneliness even when I knew I had people in my life who could come over and I could talk to.  But I did make it, and I pushed through.

     Now I'm working from home, quarantined from work until the end of March.  I set up my desk much like I did before (although now I have two computers, so painting is on hold for the time being).  But it's a lot like it was before.  Take a break from time to time, get lunch, read, and keep an eye on the queue and answering calls.
      A week ago they started murmurs about whether we would have to work from home.  I'd already started hearing talk about it so I started buying things for it in preparation.  Then they mentioned closing down schools...and by Friday we knew we'd have to set up to work.
     The weekend went by after that and the stores emptied out, people were emptying them out.  Toilet paper and towels were gone, food was gone, milk, eggs, bread and meats were gone.  Then the restaurants started shutting down all but take out and delivery.  People who worked for those restaurants got laid off.  Other stores started shutting down, not allowed to keep pushing forward, then the Governor started shutting down libraries, waterparks, museums, and anywhere else that a bunch of people could go to.  He stopped us from voting yesterday, pushing it off until June.
     A few smaller stores plug along, still open, not knowing what else to do.  People who vend at conventions are having online sales in hopes they can make ends meet.  Everything is shut down and the gas is cheap and the roads are empty.
   
     And even though, as I said, I know this is a terrible thing to be certain, it's also rather good in some ways.

     Pollution has gone waaaaay down.  Critters are returning to areas that have been chased out so long ago that people are surprised to see them there.  People are starting to do things for one another.  The government is actually thinking about doing stuff for the people instead of the businesses.  It's actually rather amazing.

     And yet, we still have to deal with being stuck inside our homes.  We have to worry about catching and spreading the virus.  I still worry about my Mom a whole lot because I'm not sure she's taking it very seriously since she doesn't like the news and has never been very up on world events.
     But, little bit by little bit, I think this might be a blessing for our planet.  I know, it's terrible who this virus might affect by the end, and sure, I could definitely be one of them by the time this is all over.

     I think, though, that I'm prepared.  Mentally I've always thought that I don't want to contribute to the world going up in flames.  I'd much rather not be part of the problem but the solution, even if I'm not entirely sure how I could be part of it.

     So, as I work from home waiting for that next phone call or that next email from someone who I more worried about things that aren't the worldwide pandemic, I'll sit here and be glad that the world is still moving on without us.  The trees are still getting ready to bloom, the rains are coming to make the grass green again, and the birds and other animals are enjoying their time outside where they haven't been able to be in decades.  And I'm actually okay with that.
     And if things get worse before they get better, then I'll continue keeping on because even with all of this because panicking never helped anyone.

Focus on Me - pt. 3 - Low Self-Esteem

     Maybe this entry would be better fit as a "mental health" entry as opposed to a focus on me...but then again I kind of just want to whine for a few minutes while I'm waiting on this book to print out for my brother.  What he doesn't get is that yes, I found the PDF of this out of print book he wanted, but no...it's NOT easy to print out, not when my printer keeps calling for more toner (which it doesn't need) and also just decides to fall asleep halfway through because it doesn't feel like it or something?
   
     But that's not what I'm here to complain about, what I am whining about is how things are going at my job.  Training was sort of rough because there was a lot of information to focus on, but after a few weeks of stressing out about it I'm slowly growing accustomed to the crazy stuff.  Then they gave me an opportunity to change time periods and I didn't realize they were limiting this time period to only two people.  That's fine, but I barely sit near that person, and when they re-arranged our seats I'm almost completely alone and feel little to no teamwork now.
     Everyone keeps saying how I'm rocking the calls... Well, I have no distractions, no one to talk to, and have no need to do anything but take calls.  Of course, I'm going to take more.  None of my other teammates barely say a word to me and I feel somewhat like I'd abandoned them to go to a different time so I feel bad about that and don't even really bother.
     Then there's the fact that I've started to notice some of the people who aren't doing as well as me keep getting to focus on other projects.  They're even getting time set aside to work...on what, I have no idea.  No one tells me.  I was starting to look forward to having a project myself but come to find out it's only on a quarterly basis I guess...?  Everyone around me leaves for hours at a time, but because I'm seated near a bunch of supervisors I also feel like maybe I've been singled out...but I'm afraid to read my books when I'm bored too because I'm worried about what they think.

So I've been just a huge bundle of nerves lately.

Focus on My Career - pt. 7 - Anxiety and Job Offers

     Anxiety can be a real bitch.  You don't know when it's going to hit you or for what reason.  I know I've actually suffered from it for a very long time but never had a name to it.  Does that make it better maybe?  I'm not sure.  I'm not sure if addressing it head-on or letting it run its course is the better option.  I've read a little bit recently about facing it and dealing with it as it hits you so that you can remind yourself that whatever that immediate danger your body and brain are trying to warn you about, most of the time it's not actual danger at all.
     I think the earliest attack came around fifth or sixth grade, so I was probably 8-10, it was winter time and we were all bundled up at recess (because back then they still sent us out in the cold and snow!) and I remember wanting to avoid everyone, so went out into the middle of the field, plopped myself down, huddled with my hood over my head and stared at the snow.  Or was it actually summer, and I was looking at flowers?  I honestly don't recall for sure, but I remember not wanting to deal with anyone.  It took a teacher coming over to me to haul me to my feet and take me back inside.
     Spending a lot of time in the secretary's office, with a "stomach ache" was another favorite pastime.
     Another was being JUST stubborn enough that I wasn't allowed to go out to recess and stuck in the library during lunchtime.  Just me and the librarian, browsing books and looking outside and just being happy.
     After researching anxiety in children over the years I can definitely see myself in almost all of the different clues that are now accepted as anxiety.  But no one knew what that was, I was made fun of, I was more sensitive to all of that, I clung to adults who could give me solid answers and didn't judge, didn't give me trouble, and in this age, they would have gotten me into counseling.  Not as if I didn't try to do it myself, but I was only allowed to go about once a month, and after elementary school, there wasn't anyone to go too.

   

Focus on Me - pt. 2 - End of 2019

     The year is drawing to a close and there are so many things going through my head right now.  At the beginning of 2019, I was the first mate of a sinking ship.  My boss hated me and I was just miserably getting by, taking medication for the anxiety, stress, and depression that SHE had caused.  I was holding with it, going down with that ship...  Until my "captain" literally threw me out of the ship.
      I rather liked that metaphor.  I saw this as a sinking ship, all of the crew were desperately attempting to follow the Captain's orders, but as First Mate, I saw the bigger issues, the giant gaping holes in the bow, and instead of getting the sails ready and hoisting the anchor, I wanted to stop the water from getting in.  But the Captain thought I wasn't listening to her orders as she told me to swab the decks and fix the nets... or something stupid along those lines.  She wanted me out of HER way and didn't bother to see what work I was doing to help.
      So, instead of just seeing my point of view or even seeing the things I wanted to do as relevant, she literally set up a plank...then made me walk it...then dumped me overboard.

     I swam in that rough ocean for a long time.  Miserable and wet as my crew tossed me ropes and well-wishes (they tried their best, I have no doubt they would have dragged me back if they thought it would help).
     A day or so later one of them jumped ship after me.  She knew what she was doing and had a little dingy (she is a super talented artist, I should compare her to having an actual escape boat). 
     I continued to swim, looking around for other ships, an island, anything I could.  All the while I would hear about the ship as it continued to sink, or just barely float.  The crew was managing somehow and I heard about it across the sea as I paddled and looked for a way out.
     
     And then one day I found another ship.  It was also barely holding together, but it was something and they all welcomed me on board.  But then I realized they also had a Captain that wasn't doing a good job - nope!  This one stayed in her cabin and shouted orders, didn't want help and didn't want to actually leave her cabin to see what was going on outside on her ship.
     I've never wanted to quit a job that quickly before.  I willfully jumped off that ship!  I swam as hard as I could so they couldn't come back to get me and I realized I was happier in the ocean then attempting to do something for that ship that was never going to happen.

     Now I think I have found a proper ship.  And I hope they're heading to a nice sturdy island where I can finally set my feet on solid ground again.  I worry about it, of course, as I've only been on this ship for a few weeks.  But the Captain is out on the decks on a regular basis, he has multiple first mates, everyone has a job to do on the ship and everyone talks to one another and helps one another.
     I have a very simple, but also very convoluted job on this ship.  I guess the best comparison would be a cartographer.  I had no idea what I was doing, but I was shoved into a small area, showed all of the maps, compasses, and drawing instruments, and then told that at any moment someone might run in and tell me where they wanted to go or where something was, and by the way, you have to also learn how to read the stars too because we're in the middle of the sea.
      Sure, the job at its heart is reading maps to people.  But it's so much more complicated than that because of all of the different factors that are involved.  I had a little over a week of training and then I was left in the room alone with the map and the people who were supposed to stand over me and guide me were too busy with their own jobs.... so yeah, sometimes I feel a bit left out to dry.  But at the same time I've caught on to most of it so perhaps I tell someone East when I mean West, but my anxiety comes from worrying I'm stuck doing this one job, even though it's important, if I stay in this one place I'll never learn how to raise a sail or swab a deck or drive the ship.

      That's a whole lot of metaphors for a call center job.  Hahaha.  I was told that this wasn't a call center, it's less than two dozen people, and everything is moving and shuffling.  People are great to me, and everyone attempts to help me, but I think I've caught on faster than some people, I just need the speed.  Thankfully everyone said it's fine, the speed will come in time, and I can already tell that they're right, but I've always excelled in jobs I've been given over the years, so being patient is difficult for me.
     Especially when all of my other jobs were a frenzy of activity.  This job is me, sitting at a desk, answering phone calls and emails all day, and in between times just staring at my phone (I need to bring books) but when things get ramped up for the year it'll just be answering phones and after just a few days of doing it on my own, I realize I'm not sure my mind will be able to handle the sheer boredom of that...
     At least with tedious chores like folding paper or ringing registers or framing pictures, I got to do something with my hands.  I worry about myself in this job even though it pays so damn well.

      So, as I mentioned, at the beginning of the year I was riding a sinking boat.  Now I'm riding in a boat that keeps growing and moving and changing and I'm blown away by how quickly I've started to get used to that world even though my brain is still anxious over it.

     What will 2020 bring?  I have a week left and my first paycheck coming in a few days.  I have a comfortable home, a loving husband, and I know that everything in my life has changed so much.  Maybe because of all of the trouble I've gone through, I worry about myself thinking everything is too good to be true now.  I can't relax.  But I want to.

     I thought by getting out of my old job that I'd be able to be happy again.  I'd be able to enjoy everything again.  But Halloween came and went in a frenzy.  And now Christmas is here and I don't feel the way I used to.  Mind you we're home alone this year because my Mom is sick.  But it's also super warm outside and we took a walk and I hung around outside with my cat for a while, wearing a short-sleeve shirt.  So, it's weird.
     I didn't go shopping at the stores for a bunch of stuff.  I didn't bring anything but a couple of new Hallmark ornaments home.  I didn't drive around looking at Christmas lights.  I didn't get out of the house much.  I'm looking at my life a whole lot differently than I used to.  I don't want a bunch of things.

     I think I need to learn how to live again.  And also enjoy living.

Maybe that's my real New Year's Resolution - look for joy.  Find the island in this ocean.