Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 11 - The Female Burden

     What makes up the female burden?  In a society where we should have stepped over this unfair system of gender inequality, the current presidency has really made it obvious that we're far from being unequally burdened by our gender roles.

     I could probably turn blue talking about how white male stereotypes are not even close to being broken, although there's definitely a push toward this goal; we've also found a sudden pushback because of this feel that many males (and many females, quite honestly) think that there shouldn't be equality.  And I could go on for hours about how men and women don't get equal pay for equal work, and I've already talked a bit about it in the past, but what I'm really here today for is something that I've been feeling about myself this past month, and that is the inability for most women (including myself) to get out from this shadow that we're under, especially when it comes to careers, housework, making money, and making lives for ourselves.

     Let me explain.

     It's been a month since I've been without a job.  I'd worked in retail for very nearly 20 years and had worked my way up until I almost had my own store to run, twice, but each time that I had gotten close to being able to take that next step, something stopped me. And eventually that holding pattern of not taking that next step made it so I was easily crushed (let's just say women who are determined can be just as cut-throat and nasty as men and will easily step on anyone in their way).  But because of my honest nature, I've really never managed to break out of that holding pattern and get to that next step in my life.

     And just why is that?  I guess it's because that ladder-climbing mindset means climbing over some people and stepping on fingers and kicking people off the ladder (I rather like this mental picture as I feel that's what happened to me, I stayed under someone too long and they got tired of me looking up their skirt or something and just shoved me off!) and I just have never felt good about being that person.  Of course, I've worked with plenty of them in the past and know exactly how to do it, but let's just say that I don't want to go to heaven one day and have a list of the people I sacrificed in order to get where I was... or rather not going up, but down to hell because of all of that.

     Let's just say there are probably plenty of women who didn't have to be cutthroat and probably got where they were going without the evil, and I'd really like to work for one of those women someday because I think that's the boss more of us need in our lives.  That's the kind of person that children should be able to work for so they too can dream about being kind bosses and knowing what it's like to get there on your own without having to step on people along the way.  It's honesty and integrity and America just doesn't see those things as virtues any more.

     There are probably just as many people out there who will throw you under the bus rather than ever give you a second glance, and for those people, I just want to say "SCREW YOU" because YOU are what's making this country a terrible place to live in right now!

     How in the world does this pertain to be the female burden?

     I'm getting to it.

     I'd say 90% of women are raised with a set of values: find a job, marry, have kids, take care of the household, and do it all with graciousness, a smile on your face, and don't be a damn burden on anyone because if you are then you are to blame here.  You didn't do your job right.  You didn't do what your husband wanted, or you didn't make enough money or raise your kids correctly.

     Maybe you that is reading this right now are one of the lucky 10% out there with parents who taught you how the world really works.  Maybe you learned it on your own once you were in college.  Maybe you decided that your life was more than kids and marriage and housekeeping, and I'll say that's great.  But society still demands a whole heck of a lot from you.  Even other women demand these things from you, and if they think you're not doing as much as they are (like raising a dozen children for example) then they'll scoff and demean you.

     That's where the female burden comes in.

     Because even if we don't think about ourselves that way, I can guarantee you that 99 of a 100 people are thinking about us that way when they see us on the street, when they see us struggling with children or having a fight with our husbands or whether they see us struggle to find a job.  Society still wants all of these things from us and it's all set up to destroy what we're fighting for; women still can't make as much as men because we still have to do the majority of the house work so we're stuck working part-time jobs, or taking care of the kids, or we're being forced to wear makeup or dress nicely or have to spend our free time doing all of the things that women have to do because that's what's demanded of us.

     And because of this societal demand on us, it starts to creep in on our lives.

     That's where my female burden has come in.  And it's not exactly what you think either.  My personal burden is feeling like I'm a burden.  I have a mindset that I should not be a burden on someone, but also that I don't want to unnecessarily burden myself in my future life either by staying at home and being a 'housewife' because I see what that did to my mom growing up, and only now that I'm nearly - gasp - FORTY - I'm starting to see the signs of what had happened and I have been determined that I would not be that kind of person who depends solely upon another human being.

     Does that mean I don't depend on my husband?  Hell no, of course I depend on him!  We HAVE to depend on one another to get by in this society.  But I also have always wanted to contribute my equal share to both finances and home life and when that's suddenly broken down, it's just killing me internally.

     And yet, I have very little demand on me because I'm a woman.  My stress is mine.  It's a burden I've placed upon myself.  It's a burden that most women place upon themselves.  

THE BURDEN WE PLACE UPON OURSELVES IS THE FEMALE BURDEN.

     My burden is one that is self-inflicted, but it's also in an effort for equality, but the more I job hunt, the more I realize just how difficult it is for me, knowing what hurdles I have in front of me.  If I choose to get into that job field again where it's eat or be eaten, I think I'll die internally again.  But I think if I get into a mind-numbing job of the insurance salesman, I think that would kill me too.  So, I've been applying everywhere, veterinarian offices, glaziers, bookstores, insurance companies, garden centers... and nothing comes back.  I have too much experience in a single field that I don't want to go back to, and I don't want to be a manager anymore, but that's all I've got.

     And yes, I have a husband that's okay with me taking my time finding a job.  He had the same issue when we were dating and I only told him that I wouldn't marry him until we'd settled the credit card debt because I didn't want either of us to be a burden upon one another.  And I worked hard the entire time, full time, all sorts of hours, working all sorts of stressful situations, and I was miserable the entire time, but I continued on.  And he supported me saying he'd try for something better, he'd take care of me no matter what I wanted to do.  And heck, he was starting to do that even before we'd officially started dating - he'd literally started thinking about how to 'save' me long before we were a thing.  

     I really love that.  But I also feel as guilty as hell about it too.

     So for a time I thought I'd start doing things creatively, be my own boss, that sort of thing.  Why not?  But when you start to do the math, setting up craft tables, for instance, really breaks down.  I need to pay for the table space, then pay for stock, then make stock, which takes time (for example, I spent probably $15 on stock, but took 6 hours to make 9 things...  Say I want to make $15/hr doing this job and a table costs $60...  I'd have to sell those 9 things at $18 each to pay for the supply cost, the table, and myself...and oh, how many hours would it take to sell those 9 things at $18 each, because if it takes six hours more to sell them at $15?  I'd have to make them $28 instead, and that's not counting taxes taken out and the fact that no one is going to pay that much money for a little wooden hand-painted ornament that should cost between $5-10.)

     And maybe I should get a part-time job to supplement it?  Then there's no point because why am I working two jobs and neither of them are giving me insurance which is the number 1 reason that I need a job in the first place.  The dentist keeps harassing me for the appointment I cancelled, and the pharmacy kept hassling me about a prescription I couldn't pick up because I don't have money for it anymore, so yeah, that means I have to go into a full-time job again unless my husband does find a better job to take care of us and then there's that "being a burden" thing again.

     As I said, this whole thing is really making my life miserable.  Would I still be miserable if my husband made $100k a year instead of $40K?  Probably.  Because what if he died before retirement?  What if I was like my mom and hadn't been supporting myself for years and thus slowly went into debt during my old age because I'd lost the ability to take care of myself?

     I'd still be miserable.

     I'm honestly not sure that anything will be done about this in my life time.  I was raised the way I am and even though I try to keep the most open of minds that I can, there's things that have been so well ingrained in my psyche it's nearly impossible for me not to go back to them over and over again.  It's another one of my burdens that I must bear.

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     I'm sorry this kind of just dwindled out, but it was more of a stream of conscience with me trying to write something that might be more officially bloggy than it is.  I'm practicing at least.  I've never been very good with feminism or civil rights or any of that stuff, but I'm learning.  I was raised a very devote Christian Republican that believed that it was MEN that held the power and the women had to be there to help them no matter what, but I've never believed that we shouldn't also help ourselves.  But I also don't like the hate, the inequality and belief that some people are better than others and that's what gets us ahead in life.  I just can't, because God made us equal.  He put MAN and WOMAN into the garden.  It doesn't say anywhere about putting white men here and black men here...  Or if you don't believe in creation then you should believe that every human came from the same creature as it crawled out of the ocean, which means that no one was any better than anyone else to begin with - no matter which way you look at it!

     But I'm also here to say that I'm trying to find a way to keep my life together and on this Monday I decided to create my own "work day" by spending my 10-5 day (at least) working on stock for my craft table and at the very least if I get it all ready now, come August I'll be ready if I have another job or not.  And also working on chores and getting other things done as well.

     Wish me luck, I'm still a work in progress.

     

     

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 10 - Setback

     How can you tell if you're currently having a setback day?  Because I can't touch the phone right now.  I'm trying to get over it.  Thought maybe if I wrote it through that I'd feel better enough to do what I need to do, but my brain is not letting me reach out and dial the numbers.

     Last Wednesday I decided to mow the lawn after putting in a couple more applications over the weekend.  I had a bit of a prayer session while mowing, asking that if any of the jobs I had applied for were the right ones for me that I'd get a phone call that day (or rather, I guess before going to my interview on Friday) and the day was quiet and I never heard the phone nor feel my cell vibrate in my pocket as I mowed.  I came in and checked the answering machine and it wasn't blinking.
     Skip forward to Friday, got my interview over, no problem.  Skip to Saturday and picked up the phone to call my mom to talk to her and it said there was a new voice mail.  I hadn't seen that before, checked it, two days before I'd had a call from one of my applications wanting me to come in for an interview, call them back.  At that point I was in a pretty good place so I did almost immediately after getting the message but the manager was out until Tuesday.

     Skip forward to Tuesday - that's today.  Woke up early, the person who had answered the phone the other day said she'd be back in by nine and maybe call a little while later, to get things sorted out?  Okay, but can I leave my name that I called?  Okay, so I did, felt better, moved on, thought about it a bit, needed to get ready for the weekend, kind of pushed it to the back of my head, until this morning.
     Nine in the morning.  Reach for the phone....no.  Not yet, she's probably just gotten in and had a weekend of things to catch up on.  Nine Thirty - pharmacy calls saying I have a prescription ready - I've been ignoring them, just really don't want to deal with that right now.  Let's wait a bit longer, my heart was already pounding thinking that maybe she was calling me.
     Ten in the morning....anxiety.  And I mean ANXIETY.  Tried to calm myself down but my brain was running by then.  Do I really want to work in retail again?  What about those bad reviews I read online about this company?  Sure, not a problem.  But what about the drive?  What about in winter?  What if I call and they've already found someone else?  What if....?  What if?  What if?!!!

     Eleven.  Husband comes down, wants to go get some things at the store.  No, not going to go, too nervous - what if I miss the call?  What if I just call NOW, myself?  No, not with him around.  Just go...head to the store, I'll stay here.  No calls.  Can't reach for the phone.  Too nervous.
     Eleven thirty.  Go out front and do some weeding in the garden.  This will calm me down, right?  Realize I'm having a bit setback day.  The anxiety has returned and every time that I start getting myself pumped up again, I drop right back.  What if I don't get it at all?  What if I'm stressing myself out about all of this and I don't even get the job?  What if I do get the job and I can't get time off to do all of the things that I have scheduled this summer?  What if I can't afford to do any of that because I don't have a job to do it?

     So, maybe if I write?

     I pause for a minute to watch a clip on TV and get annoyed because my husband is chomping and munching and crunching next to me.  I just want him to go somewhere else to eat his lunch.

     I think that's anxiety too.

     I think I'm hungry too.  Maybe I'll eat.  I have a game to prepare for this afternoon.  I have a house to straighten up before everyone comes.  I have less then 5 hours to get all of that done and I still haven't done what I was supposed to do this morning.

     What I was supposed to do this morning was get up, get a shower and dressed.  Then call the store and set up an interview, which, in my mind this weekend would happen almost immediately so I would go over to the store and then hit the pet store for cat food afterward.  Then come home and prep the game.

DAMN IT STOP CHEWING


Had lunch.  Watched some television.  Talked to a friend on the phone.  2:30pm rolled around and I finally had enough confidence to call the job.

     I was on hold for a bit and finally came back and said, the gal was already holding interviews right now and she'd keep my application on file.

     I didn't call back.  I screwed myself.  What an idiot.

     But maybe my friend was right, maybe things happen for a reason - maybe I didn't hear the phone call on that day not because I'd asked to hear from the 'right job' on that day, but because that wasn't the right job so I didn't hear from it and I guess the reason I was so adverse to calling all day was all for a reason....right?

     I feel a bit bummed though.  I feel like I failed myself.  But also, sort of relieved too, maybe?  I don't know.  I guess I have other things I need to do... and I need to get myself back into a better mental state.  But I do feel like today was kind of a setback day.  And it shouldn't be because it's a beautiful, sunny spring day and I shouldn't be feeling down on myself...

But I do.

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 9 - First Interview

     Through this week I started debating whether to go to the interview that I had scheduled for today.  The company sounds like a pretty up-and-coming kind of startup which is kind of cool, but after the phone interview stated I'd have to get downtown, find parking on my own, and of course it happened to be raining today, I really wasn't sure if I wanted to put in the effort.
     My husband said it would be good practice, and it was, after all, my only call I've gotten in the two weeks of applications so far.  So last night I told myself I could always just cancel, but I needed to get going and try it out.  I live in a rather large city, but it certainly doesn't feel like it until I have to go down there.  But with my smartphone in hand and Google maps leading the way, what could go wrong?
     I found out a lot could go wrong.  The rain was pouring down so traffic was barely going the speed limit when it tried, and I was getting along pretty well into the downtown area but turned down a street too early and wound up having to go nearly a mile down before I could find a road to turn around (a LOT of streets didn't allow turns off of them during that time of day, who knew?) so eventually I headed to the lot where I was going to attempt to park...it was full.  Dang nabbit!
     My eyes glanced at the clock at each stop light.  I scanned the street looking for other lots but they were all monthly and only public after dark.  Why didn't this business have an arrangement for parking anywhere?!  Seriously!  I wound up probably a half a mile away and had just about fifteen miutes to hoof it to the building.
     So I took off in the rain (thankfully I have an excellent rain jacket but I hate carrying umbrellas) and every time the crosswalk stopped me I glanced at my watch.  I was about a block away at the five minute mark and had a hard time locating the button to the elevators, so embarrassing.
     I got there with literally two minutes to spare before 10am and there was already another lady there sitting on the bench near the receptionist and she patted her seat once I'd checked in.  I was red in the face, wet, and hadn't really had time to go to the bathroom to freshen up, as apparently this lady had, because she looked like she had just stepped out of a beauty salon.
     The only thing I felt I had somewhat going for me by that point was the fact that I was younger then her, but she was friendly and introduced herself and we talked while I waited for someone to come interview me.
     A few minutes later I was taken into an awesome, "tell me about yourself" and then "what questions do you have?"  And I stumbled out what I could but I really couldn't tell because the guy conducting the interview didn't seem excited either way.  Eventually he got up after 20 minutes, said he was going to see if the CEO was free to see me, left for a minute and returned saying he was busy, and then thanked me for coming in.

     It was rather an odd interview, I thought later as I was headed back down the elevators and walking back to my car.  In this sort of day and age you'd think they'd have more questions to ask.  As far as I knew they had already decided not to hire me so it felt like they were just conducting the interview to humor me (although, if they did that, why the heck bother to even ask me to come in?) and the lady at the front whom I had assumed was there for another interview wasn't even there when I came out.  In fact, there was no sign of her and she had never passed by and I have no idea if she just had an appointment with someone else or not.  But it was rather strange.
     So I came home after my first interview in over 15 years just not knowing how it went at all.  Why did you want to apply with us?  Dunno, just saw you in the paper and thought I'd see what it would be like to interview in cubicle setting.  Never had a job interview in a skyscraper before.  Kinda seemed cool to be in a big city like that.  I remember as a teenager/early twenties wanting to move to New York because I thought I might like big city living.  However, I know for a fact that I would not because there's not enough green - but on the other hand, the city is fairly green and the building overlooks the capital building which is really nicely landscaped.

     But, as of six hours later I haven't even received an email - and I had gotten an email initially within an hour or so of applying for the job in the first place, so that's not exactly promising I guess.

     I did it, though.  And I wasn't even scared of being downtown.  I was more angry with myself for thinking that I could just go down there, get a place to park and be able to walk right in.  My feet were soaked by the time I got home in a combination of rain and sweat, I think.  But at least I was confident enough to try it.
     And it felt like I was this old fogey walking into a startup company where everyone was so many years younger than me.  Didn't know that it would happen so quickly.  I remember watching some movie five or six years ago about two guys who join a Google-like company and then manage to get in and start learning how it was like to be in a younger man's job.  And it was so odd for that person to suddenly be me, worrying about whether I was too old to work at these places even though I'd like to say I'm fairly young at heart when it comes to most things.
     But, it's a start.  I guess I'll keep putting out applications and seeing if I get any bites.

     In the meantime, I've been working on doing some other writing and also working on painting miniatures since I have a huge chunk that arrived yesterday that will most likely take me six months to assemble and find homes for, little lone a few more years to get painted!

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 8 - The Search

     I was going to go onto a different topic this week but decided since this blog is also part of my focus on mental health that I would continue on.  This week is all about finding meaning.  Finding a direction.  Searching for something that feels rather out of my reach at the moment.
     I've been without a job now for a few days over two weeks.  As I said in my previous blogs, I used to have a bunch of ambitions (aka 'dreams') for what I wanted to do with my life.  I'll list them in some kind of order, starting with the earliest I can think of:

• Writer
• Artist
• Photographer
• Paleontologist
• Geologist
• Crafter
• Custom Framer
• Manga-ka/Comic Book Artist
• Novelist
• Gardener/Landscaper
• Retail Manager

    

     I think there's probably some that I'm missing, but I'll add to the list as I go if for some reason there's something else I remember.  I'm sure in there that I also just assumed I'd be a "wife" at some point and possibly a "mother" because those are things that girls are told from the very beginning we are to become.  

     Which, honestly, is the biggest problem I have faced in my younger years.  When I was growing up in the 80's/90's, I just assumed that I'd finish school, go to college, get some sort of job until I could get a husband, and then I'd be like my mom; be a stay-at-home mom who took care of the house and kids. Once the 90's came and went and I was in college with very few prospects for a husband and even less for children while I was in my 20's, I started to realize I didn't really want children because I'd babysat for only a few and just didn't feel comfortable with children under, say 5 or 6 years' old.  I lost touch with a whole lot of friends at that point because all of the others had dropped out of college (or partied their way to being kicked out) and married, had kids, divorced, or moved away, and who knows, I lost touch with a lot of them.  And the few that I remained in touch with just didn't understand why I wasn't married which kids already like they were.  But I just didn't find anyone, and I had to go to plan B.

     Plan B was find a job and learn to support myself as a "spinster".  Well, thankfully I grew up in a time period where I wasn't really considered that, but I'd already started to realize that if I had to take care of myself then children wouldn't be involved, so what could I do?

     I had gone to college for writing, so at first I started working on novels and getting those submitted, but without an agent no one was taking me, and I quickly realized I'd need money to find an agent, so I put all of the novels to the side.  I'd also gone to college thinking I could become a Paleontologist, but that was soon to be an unrealized dream because I didn't have the money to move out of town to go to a college that actually had more than a few basic classes, and I had to finish my lesser degrees before I could go to graduate school, and then I looked at the cost of THOSE and realized that NOPE, not happening.  So... writing and science were out.

     So I started drawing because I'd gotten into anime, but I hadn't gone to school for art, so even though my friends all thought I was an awesome artist, I knew myself that it was something that I'd have to work so hard at, and if I was going to work hard at something, maybe I should go back to writing?  But by the time all of this was happening, I'd graduated with my Bachelor's degree and went into working in retail.

   Through the 90's and 2000's retail was one of those jobs that I thought would be around forever.  I guess it was fortunate that I started out in the framed art business when I did because at the time decorating your house with that extra money you had was a popular thing.  Then 9/11 hit and everyone went from spending money on vacations to spending on homes and décor.  So, I was lucky at that point in time because business was booming, but it wouldn't be too much longer before that business reached it's peak and then started to drop.  Thankfully the fine art business was fading but actual custom framing of art pieces was still going, so when I moved from the job of selling art to just framing it, things were still going okay.

     But all good things must come to an end sooner or later.  The custom framing business will most likely always be around because there are always graduation photos and wedding photos and artwork that needs to be framed, and I guess I thought maybe I'd stay in that line of business for a long time but I made the mistake of thinking I'd eventually go into management since everyone said that's where I was headed.

     I'm not devious or resentful or greedy enough for that line of business.

     Here I am, without a job in retail, with all of those things behind me and a whole life in front of me at just a bit under a month under the age of 40.  I really feel like this is kind of a 'mid-life crisis' that was forced on me.  Kind of like "your life has been good, let's make you miserable and give you a crisis so that we can feel better about ourselves".

     I received my "you got fired, so here's what's next" letter last night and it really suddenly punched me in the gut because it meant that it was final.  I'll say it, the store manger I worked for rode on me for a ton of things and made me do all of the paperwork for firing, so I kind of thought it wouldn't be official for awhile.  I had kind of hoped she'd put it off long enough so I could use my dental insurance and perhaps get some of my PTO I was due... but only if it waited until May, but NOPE!  I get this letter this weekend which meant she actually got off her butt and opened up the book on how to do it (or asked someone else to do it) or maybe because corporate was involved with the process that they finally did it, who knows.  But it got done and I got my letter.

     And because it was literally like three weeks away from finalizing the first quarter (I think I'm most mad at her because of that) I won't get any of my PTO payout except for a few hours that I'd saved from last year, and I really wished I'd saved the full 40 hours rather than around 20 or so.  And there's all of that sick time I didn't use because I didn't call off when I was sick because it always happened when she was on vacation so I couldn't...or thought I couldn't but I tell you what, I'm never NOT calling off when I'm sick ever again in the future.  It's not worth it to save it.  Sigh.

     I am rambling, but I'm not going to apologize because I want something better than this for my life.  I don't want to settle, but I also don't want to be a burden on my husband and my household either.  I don't want to be a bummer but I have to work through this whole thing in my mind because I feel like it's important to work through it too.

     So, now what?

     The letter basically said that they'll be sending out stuff in case I want to get COBRA insurance - and I have four months of birth control so I basically have that much time to get new health insurance so it kind of feels like a ticking clock.  However, I have stopped the Anti-Depressants completely and even though they're all sitting in pill bottles in the bathroom and if the doctor starts going 'hey, where are you?' I'm just going to move on because there is no way I can afford going to the doctor without insurance now.  I hate the state of the USA's healthcare system.  And I'm not asking the government for help either, because there are people out there far worse off than me (and I still have a husband making more than a good chunk of Americans, even if it's at the lower end).

     Secondly, I need to move my 401K.  That's something I'll probably work at this afternoon.

     Thirdly, I have to find a new job.  I have two-three applications out there and will probably put more out but I have no direction, so it's in all sorts of different fields right now because I have experience on stuff but have no idea what I need to do.

     Fourthly, I have an interview somewhere on Friday, but not sure if I'll go because I'd really rather not go into a business that I really wish wouldn't be needed (insurance) because it's kinda lousy that my whole basic reason for getting a job is to pay for health insurance in case I get sick or so I won't become pregnant and not for a roof over my head and food in my stomach.  How crappy is that?

     What else?  I have things I want to do around here and there are books I could sell off and things I could make for an art table this summer and other things like that and it's possible I could get into crafting...but I just don't know if I want to put the effort into that until I know I'm taken care of medically.  Why does this suck so much?  

     Well...I think I've worn out my rambling fingers now so I'll leave this here.  I'm searching.  And I haven't found the answer, so the search continues.

     

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 7 - Aftermath

     Lent is over.  Forty days has passed between the start of this mental health exercise and the end, and so much has changed for me in this time.  I started out around a 3 on the scale of 1-10 and now I'm closer to a 6.  I'd really like to get myself to a seven or eight, which I'm sure will come once I'm back up on my feet again.  I think it would have been a bit better if I hadn't become sick, but I keep telling myself that it was all part of the bigger plan.  The stress of this job, this terrible mind-f**k that has been slowly killing me over the past few years, let's throw that out.  Let's focus on the things that have been forgotten - home life, your own personal health, friendships and enjoying spending time with your family - let's get that focus back.  Oh, let's make you sick because you were still too focused on this old job so if you're sick you'll have to focus on yourself personally.  Let's make you spend some time focusing on what you'd really like to do with your life from this point out.  But there's also some things that you need to do to help your family and those around you, so let's bring that out for a little while so you can start to realize what really matters.
     I have been stuck in this job so long that I don't have a 'dream' anymore.  I realized this while spending time slowly dying from this cold (well, not really, it's just a cold like any other; miserable).  But when you're miserable and your body doesn't want to do anything you have a lot of time to think.  And I started to realize that all of those old dreams I used to have, I really have put on a shelf over the past few years.  Why?  Because I had a full time job that gave me plenty of time off and plenty of benefits, I had just started making friends who actually came over to my house to play Dungeons & Dragons, and thus my time was taken up between work, home, games and friends and there was very little time left over for anything else.  And for the past few years that has been enough for me.  But now, suddenly, with my time almost completely opened up for me (well, at least around 40 hours of it where work used to be), I don't know how to fill it - I don't know how I want to fill it.

     So, there is where the "aftermath" part comes in.

     What do I really want to do with my life?  Do I want to go back into the role of a manager again, putting the stresses of an entire store on my shoulders again where I just bend over again?  Do I want to attempt to get back into that world as a part-timer and work my way up again but with very little room to do things?  Do I want to get into a completely different world where I can maybe have a whole bunch of awesome benefits but also be part of a world I'm completely out of my comfort zone?  Or perhaps I want to balance it with something else that keeps me busy?  What do I want to do?  I just don't know...
     I had at one point wanted to be a writer.  I had at one point wanted to be an artist.  I wanted to be a crafter.  A photographer.  A commissioned artist.  But those jobs, unless you throw your entire being into it, doesn't pay the bills.  People don't flock to this blog to read my words and throw money at me!  I'm lucky to have a couple people read these things when I actually share them on my webpage.  But, I'm okay with it, this page is mostly for my mental health anyway.  Doesn't pay the bills, but that's okay.

     That still doesn't give me an answer to the initial question.  What to do now?

     I feel better (well, except for the cold) and I'm still fairly confident in the ability to find a job.  But I also worry that if I 'settle' then I'll just be stuck again in the same sort of spiral that I have gotten into over the years.  I'll find a job where I do really well.  I'll get to a point where some boss will get angry at me for something and then I'll not want to do my job as well anymore, and eventually they'll blame me for their misery and eventually I'll have to leave because I can't get my attitude up any more.
     Burnout is most likely the true reason that I have had so many issues.  I went back to my diaries back when I first started working, just kind of looking around at where my brain was back then in my twenties, and realized that indeed, I'd gone from being very excited about the places I worked, really busting my booty to get those customers, and then realizing that all of this work might be helping but that there's a boss somewhere that still wants more and that I should have more but I'm worn out and I have no motivation anymore to continue on.  And that's where the burnout came from and I miss those years of working for managers who actually wanted to succeed and help the rest of us too.  So, how do I find a new job that has a manager like that?  Or if I were to become a manager, how do I help my employees find meaning and also not find myself being squashed by a money-grubbing regional who wants me to chop hours so they can get their bonuses and hold my job over my head to do so?

     So, maybe I need to get out of retail and go somewhere else.  Maybe I need to go into a smaller place again and work my way up and find a slower paced atmosphere.  But if I get interviewed, what should I answer when they ask, "what's your five year plan?"  What IS it?  Make enough money to retire someday?  To live comfortably?  To be able to go on vacations again?  To be able to find time to do a craft table?  Have enough money to finish my basement so we can have a game room?  I don't know...  And I think I may have to wait on this job thing until I can finally make up my mind.  I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter that I put out applications because I don't have to take a job unless I like it, right?

     I guess I should apologize for this rambling blog today but I figured this might be a good way to show you the confusion that goes through one's head during this period of time.  I feel better, but I don't have direction.  The war happened, the bomb dropped, now the cleanup begins, but it's not yet time for rebuilding.

We'll get to rebuilding next time....I hope.
   

Focus on My Mental Health - pt. 6 - Getting Away

   So, I started to write this blog yesterday, a few hours after the events that happened at work, and it was pretty much full of hate and spitfire.  Well, I think the best analogy I can think of is imagine someone being slowly poisoned for years.  They keep getting sicker and sicker and they can't really figure out what's causing it, but they know when certain things happen it becomes worse, and that slow realization never really dawns on them because they think nothing around them could be causing them to feel bad.  Eventually that poison sends them to the doctor who starts treating them for the symptoms but nothing is being done about the source.  Then, one day, the person who has been doing the poisoning finally comes out in the open and then there's this moment when all of that bile and nastiness comes out and it takes a long time to get healed, but once the poison isn't being ingested on a regular basis, the person does get better and they will get away from that person doing the poisoning once and for all.

     That is what has been happening to me for the past five or six years, but I didn't realize it.  The worst part of all of that is the fact that I sort of knew it was happening, but since I wasn't in the direct line of the worst of the poison that my manager was spewing most of the time, I didn't get the brunt of it.  Say, the cake was poisoned for someone else but I was still eating the crumbs off the plate...slowly but surely.
     I've been in retail for more than 20 years and every place I worked had some kind of poisonous person.  Just the other day I read about how fake smiling every day can lead people to drink, and it's that fake enthusiasm that hides all of the emotions people need to get out into the open once in awhile or it slowly poisons them.  I've always been a cheery sort but the people I worked with were already to the point of being dangerously poisonous from all of this fakery.  What's sad is that I doubt they even know they're doing it.  My first boss had a tough time promoting me to assistant manager, and made me share the duty with someone else until they left the job and suddenly she had no one else.  A few months later she started blaming me for how terrible her life was.  It's most likely these people were all masochistic because she never believed her terrible life had anything to do with the fact that she had a child with a husband who quit his job and decided to take up life as a tattoo artist...nah, couldn't be the fact that she was basically carrying their entire family with this dead-end job as a manager at a small art gallery in the local shopping mall.  She probably made less than $15/hr.
     I got out of that job after she basically forced me to quit, and that day I got out and cried a lot, drove around a lot, and sang a lot, and then I took a long hard look at my life and realized that I was better off without being around her.  Actually, it was a blessing in disguise because not too long after that she was gone and the store closed, and the company itself that ran it folded a few years later.

     Skip ahead to the job I held for nearly 16 years after that, October of that year, I had managed to get on with my life and find a new job doing something different, but still retail.  I was part time mainly and eventually started to work my way up but they kept doing re-alignments; basically cutting how many full time employees there were at the store.  On the other hand, they also started opening up new stores and after one set back I was promoted and moved to another store.
     All went well until they got rid of the manager who opened the store (well, moved her closer to her home to a bigger location which, good for her) but the one that took over hated me for some reason.  Again, another poisonous soul out for revenge on someone she didn't like and probably had no real reason to dislike me, but there it was.
     Thankfully I had started dating by that time and was able to transfer out of state away from that woman before she did me too much harm.  I was so happy during those months, not just because I found someone I knew I'd marry someday, but also because I was out of that poison.  I got promoted a few months later, transferring to my fourth location, where I had some of the best managers a person could ask for.  They were hardworking, kind, and very supportive.  Unfortunately, I would only have those managers for a year or so before we went through a round of terrible ones once again.  Thankfully I had a position far away from management (literally, I was in the furthest corner in a frame shop so out of sight, out of mind, most of the time) and I did my job, made money, did what they asked me to do, kept myself out of trouble, and things went well.
     Then the woman who was third rung at the store (and honestly I really don't remember talking to her at all, or she was such a small blip on my radar that I didn't really care) was all that was left, and she became the manager.  But, there were other managers, operations, merchandise, receiving, etc, so everyone had their own thing to do.  I was still head of the frame shop at the time, but a keyholder and in training to move up the ladder as needed.  Again, this woman was so low on my radar that I didn't have an opinion of her and I was usually talking to other people in the store most of the time that I kept out of her hair.  She promoted me to merchandise manager and things were okay.
     I had no idea that when she started giving me reviews she was already thinking I was a bug that needed to be squashed.  I'm not sure if it was my own assertiveness or whether it was her own weakness that made her think I was out for her.  But time and time again I would tell her I wasn't after her job, that I was just happy where I was... She took that as weakness and when a new realignment happened after some 10 years from when I started with the company, she demoted me to keyholder and picked the third in command.  A gal who had been with the company maybe two years by the time she got promoted to assistant manager.
     I had that sudden realization that she hated me and I really had no idea why.  Is it because I didn't have children?  Is it because I was good at my job?  I haven't the foggiest.  She told me that I couldn't be friends with any of my 'underlings' and I was ousted back to the frame shop after well over a year as a manager.  Still a keyholder.  But I was put out of sight again in my corner.
     I was furious but my co-workers were more so, and by that time I had started to make friends with them.  I treated them as equals.  I explained to them how things worked around the store, I let them in on things that were happening when my manager wouldn't tell a soul.  I read up on all of the handbooks and guides so I knew the rules and I was always kind when I had to tell people things.  It made me liked.  And I think she caught wind of it because she certainly didn't like me, so why should anyone else?
     But I was hidden away in my shop and eventually the assistant had started to get all managery and the district manager decided to move her to another store to be promoted.  Only, it backfired because he got fired himself a year or so later and the assistant just plain quit because she never got promoted and she couldn't handle the store she was at.  Suddenly, I'm interviewing again for a job I thought I'd deserved the whole time and even the other people who were just as qualified said, yeah, let her have it.
     My manager waited for well over four months to finally promote me.  We all think she was waiting around for her precious assistant to come back, but by then she'd gotten another job that she said she loved so much and made more money.  So, she was 'stuck' with me, and I really feel that's how she looked at it.  The fact was, I think I knew what kind of assistant she wanted me to be - a kiss-ass who did whatever she was told and crawled behind her wherever she went saying 'yes, ma'am, right away ma'am, you're the greatest, ma'am."  But, she never said it in so many words, except for when reviews came around and she kept going "I don't think you're living up to my standards" but she'd never set standards, so I'd follow orders and keep my head down and try to be my best.
     I had made friends though.  I would have made friends with her, but the one time I was invited to her house she treated me rather like an offensive bug and ignored, so I was really just sort of turned off of it.  I even invited her over to my house once, I had a house warming party and only one other person showed up, but I figured it was because everyone else was too afraid of getting caught 'carousing' or something.  I pushed on though, and it took another year or two before I started to realize just how many people were there because I was there, because I would calm them down and help them deal with the poison this manager was slowly feeding all of us.  (See?  I'm getting there!)
     The first time I realized that I had a calming effect was when I'd go on vacation and would come back and someone would have quit.  It was almost like clockwork.  I did two main vacations a year, one in May, one in October, and at least one we'd lose someone I liked.  Maybe I was the antidote to this poison?  I can't claim that I was, but I never lost anyone during the time that my manger was on vacation...
     Except that for some reason she told me to 'get along with everyone' when she'd leave on vacation and I'd be totally stumped by what that meant.  There were only a few people that I didn't get a long with, and usually it was because either they were just as masochistic as she was, or because they had been so poisoned by her that I really hoped they'd leave just because they seemed so miserable.

     About two years ago my poisoning really began.  I'd secured the assistant manager spot and things went well from around March through Christmas.  Then her precious old assistant was starting to beg to come back.  She tried her best to get her back, but she'd need a raise, you know, couldn't have her working off of minimum wage, now could we?  But she didn't get her way, I kept my job, things went back to normal for a little while.  Then she forced out one of the other managers right before the next Christmas and immediately put that precious assistant in that spot.  Now they were together again - but oh no!  Someone was in the way of her master plan!  ME!
     They seemed to be okay with me for awhile.  After all, it was the Christmas season then and we were too busy to really think about how to try to get me out, you know?  But the moment Christmas ended and she'd taken her first vacation - I'm fairly certain now her best thinking of revenge on me came during her long cruises she always took - she came back and started hounding me about the fact I'd made friends.  She threatened, and when I found ways to still hang out with them, she started writing them up, trying to get them to quit instead.  We were strong together, and we managed to pass through to Christmas time once again.  Which leads us up to just a few months ago.
     Things started wrapping up from the holidays but we had inventory to handle so she was preoccupied.  But soon after she started having these conference calls and meetings and keeping them under wraps yet again.  I started figuring out that when she kept things quiet she was plotting something.  She'd breeze over the importance of things, take vague notes and expect me to understand what they meant, and corporate had already started sending out emails directly to managers so that assistants like me were at the mercy of whatever the manager told us.  And she rarely told me anything, even when I asked.
     Then she went on vacation with the same "get along while I'm gone" nonsense.  But already her precious assistant started to ignore me and wouldn't listen to orders.  She did her own thing the entire time - which, honestly, wasn't much because  she was always just a lackey, and nothing more.  So I tried to get along and ignore her and move one with my life and waited for the manager to come back.
     It started to turn into spring and I realized immediately that things were going to turn bad for a few months.  Maybe her vacation helped turn her venom stronger?  Each vacation she had was terrible in some way, so maybe all of that hate and misery congealed into a stronger poison that would effect everyone around her.  Eventually it would start to thin out, but that first couple weeks she was a hissing, spitting cobra of all things terrible.  Oh wait, no, she made no noise, actually she was more like a Black Widow spider who sneaks up on you in the dark and bites you when you aren't looking.  Yeah, that's more like it.
     She was in and out all last week dealing with the fact her husband broke his elbow (remember I said something always happened to her when she went on vacation?  He had a stroke the year before, and a year or so before that she slammed her finger in the safe and broke it) and so I didn't think much of it because I had a lot of work to do and was trying my hardest to get things caught up while she wasn't around.
     Then a strange thing happened.  There was an off-hand reference to someone getting maced at another store by following a shoplifter.  So, no more leaving the store, okay?  Okay, no problem.  But you should keep an eye on them, you know?  She'd been having us follow people for years - literally years - keeping track of them, talking to them, "helping" them, and it was thoroughly ingrained in us to do as she told us.  So on a day last week I did just that, but stayed far away because we weren't to 'follow' them you know?  I kept a far distance and when she left the store I stood near the door to write down a license plate.

     Little did I know that that would be my undoing.

     Something so innocent, something that we had been doing for years.  I didn't hear barely a peep out of my manager as she was in the office the entire time that it was happening.  I just reported it over the headset and thought, guess nothing came of it, oh well.  I went back to work, finished my day and the next day I had off, so yay!  Away from the poison lady.
     But then I got a phone call from corporate, then a second and an email.  What the heck?  Maybe someone had finally caught wind of things going on with my manager doing things that weren't quite kosher.  (There are a long list of things that should have gotten her fired years ago, but I could never pin her on them, and also kept feeling bad because I'm a nice person.)  I called them back only to be questioned on what happened yesterday with the shoplifter?
     Okay...that was Tuesday over a week ago.  Nothing happened.  Life moved on.  Okay, don't do that again, okay?  Fine.  Don't suspect someone who you really don't know for sure.  Don't report it if you do because you're going to get called by corporate about it. Again, when I told her about it she sort of just shrugged it off like it was nothing and barely spoke a word to me as she left to work at another store for a few days.
     I avoided going with her this time as I had the time previously, and she was probably furious about it.  I had no idea though.  She brought all of us presents from her cruise.  (I'm going to throw them away though, I'm afraid they're actual poison now.)  But things were okay, I was getting things done, no one was having issues with me, and then when I was on my own as manager one day, two guys blatantly started to steal things.  And, after years (need I say they actually would praise us for stopping them?) of doing this same thing, I got the basket of t-shirts they were stealing, no harm came to anyone, and they left and all was well.
   
     But I'd made a huge mistake.

     I had no idea.

     Just in passing I mentioned I'd gotten merchandise away from two shoplifters to the keyholder that was coming in to close that day.  I thought we were on good terms.  But I'm pretty sure she had been holding a grudge too (another masochist who used to be nice but her other job was slowly poisoning her as sure as this retail job was and she would come in spitting hellfire - like that cobra I mentioned for real - and want a pity party).  I didn't give her pity that day as she complained about how bad her day was and how horrible everything was and how much she just wanted to go home...but I didn't have time to listen to her cry and mope for fifteen minutes, I had plans that evening.
     So, of course, she reported me to the manager.  Another spy for the enemy.

     I had a terrific night.  I hung out with my work friends, we had a ball at the science museum adult program and it was awesome.  Honestly it doesn't matter now, but the whole thing was fantastic and I really didn't care if she found out anymore because she'd been treating her own precious assistant and her other spies so well over the past year that I just needed a final release from that poison.

     I came home to find out I had to go in early the next day for a conference call.

     I didn't know what it was about, but I'm almost positive that she did.  And as the topic came to light, I was hit with the sudden realization I was getting fired that day.

     They had instituted a new policy that forbid anyone from following, apprehending or even doing anything at all to stop a shoplifter.  They never spoke of why this had come about, did someone sue?  Did someone get stabbed?  What happened?  Completely hush-hush.  Surely it couldn't have been because of one person getting maced, could it?  How would that suddenly turn the whole company on every single employee.....could it?
     But it continued.  This was ZERO TOLERANCE.  It didn't matter if you had been with the company for years, if you were outstanding, if you were good at your job....if you did this, you were done.  They'd already fired some 12 people in the past few weeks.
     I know the blood drained from my face and I started to shake.

     Did they know about yesterday?

    I didn't see a sent email about it.  Maybe no one said anything?  It's my word against theirs, right?  No one would tell on me that it happened, would they?

     When the conference call ended I stood up and my manager asked me what I was headed to do - and she basically sent me to my 'corner' - but before I could leave I asked if they'd said I was going to get fired.  She deadpanned, "well, maybe not about the thing from last week, but last night...  I had to report it."
     I'm sure I turned white as a sheet as all of the blood drained down to my toes and I closed the door and headed straight to the backroom and started to cry.  That's it then.  She'd found her way to get rid of me.  She'd used her teeth to suck the blood out of me and replace it with her poison.

     And to make matters worse, they started calling from corporate.  We need you to write a statement about last night.  What happened last night?  Didn't matter.  I knew it didn't matter.  I changed the facts ever so slightly.  I knew they'd see what was on the film, that it wouldn't quite match up to what I told them, but did it matter?  They'd already made up their minds.  I had no case.  This new policy went into effect swiftly and like a hot knife through butter (I like these analogies) I was going to be cut from this company.
     But she had to bleed every last drop from me.  She left right after the call, and when she came back she disappeared into the office and I kept my eye on the phone because I saw it was lit for a very long time...  And I kept on working and she left to go home for 'lunch' because everyone would be leaving me at 5pm so I have to get home...  And she reappeared and went into the office again.

     One hour before my shift ended I got called to the office.

     One freakin' hour when she probably knew from the very first moment she was going to fire me that day and could have sent me packing without giving me another day's pay - and she let me suffer the entire day.

     The lady from corporate was on the phone.  The one who questioned me the week before.  "You there?"  You know what you're here for, right?  We are terminating your employment with us at this moment as of section AS100...  I read that flippin' thing, it was right in front of me that morning and no where did it say that you'd get fired immediately.  But they'd found a way to cull the herd.  Instead of doing a massive layoff, they decided they'd find the easiest way to fire everyone - follow a shoplifter, get fired.
     And my manager had found her way to finally get rid of me.  She'd plotted it from the moment she heard that new thing went into effect and her spies expedited it.

     As they spoke I basically blanked out.  I wasn't angry.  I was expecting it for seven hours.  I'd plotted a dozen scenarios in my head, but I couldn't land on just one.  So I pulled the keys from my pocket, set them down on the desk and walked out.
     She didn't company me into the breakroom to make sure I left, she simply walked out and got back to helping customers.  I threw down everything I could think of that I had that was property of the store, grabbed all of the things that were my own, clocked out and with one desperate (I hoped) look at my friend who was at the register when I left, I walked out.

     I could have screamed.

     I could have cried.

     I could have done anything else then what I did, but I had realized in that moment that it didn't matter.

     I was free of that thing that was poisoning me.

     I texted my chain of friends and told them what happened so she couldn't do the same thing to them.  One decided immediately she was going to go Jerry McGuire on her and actually leave with me and it was amazing.  I would have felt bad but she was also planning on leaving anyway.  I didn't ask them too, but I know they all knew she had been draining our life away one day at a time by slowly poisoning all of us.

     I went home and sobbed with my husband for a long time.

     It was both because a chapter of my life had ended, but it was also because I was free.

     Maybe if you've read any of my other blogs in the past you'll realize how miserable I'd been.  This poison that she had been injecting into my life for so long had driven me into a terrible depression.  I would be so drained by my job that I'd do minimal things around the house.  My husband started doing most of the cooking because when I'd get home I couldn't bear to get going to feed us.  If he hadn't started cooking for us I'm sure I would have subsided on chips and PB&J sandwiches because that's about as much effort as I could put into it.
     They only reason I found to cheer up were the friends I'd made over the past few years playing D&D.  I had a group of my coworkers who talked me into becoming their DM (for which I am ever grateful) and another group that taught me how to play.  And another that I shared the responsibility for the game and it was awesome.  They are awesome.  Every single one of the people I have been playing with for the past few years were one of the only reasons (besides my husband and cats of course) that would get me to clean the house, get me to get up and cook big dinners and getting me writing again.  I had almost completely stopped writing for a few years and I think that was taking a very big toll on me emotionally and physically because I had no outlet, and this gave me time to think, time to plan, and time to enjoy myself.
     But at the end I was becoming so wiped that I was starting to not even be able to do that.  For anyone who has read this far who wanted to hang out with me and I cancelled plans with you - it's because of this.  It's all because I was so emotionally drained, so stressed out, so anxious and depressed, that I couldn't handle being around people.  I couldn't focus anymore.  I'd sit for hours on the couch watching TV.  I wouldn't pick up my laptop my husband gave me so I could sit here and type like I used to do (and like I'm doing currently) because I couldn't focus.  My mind kept going back to work, back to being miserable, and only when I had a few days off in a row could I concentrate on being happy for a time but the moment I had to go back I was so anxious I almost quit my job multiple times - I'd literally shake and find it hard to breathe.

     The sad thing was, I had an idea I knew what was happening, but I still thought I could overcome it.

     I started talking to the doctor and she prescribed me all sorts of anti-depressants.  Then just a week or so ago she upped the type and when I told another coworker I considered a friend this, she looked at me wide-eyed and said something like, "Oh no...that's terrible stuff."  It honestly freaked me out a whole ton.

     So yesterday I got fired from my job of 16 years.  And all of that poison came out hour after hour of scrolling mindlessly through Facebook.  It rolled around in my head as we went out to dinner, as we took a walk at the park and my husband talked to me about other things and I tried hard to pay attention to him.  I'd been so poisoned by this woman that I couldn't even stand helping him anymore with his convention - I think that was evident by some of my blogs too.
     I didn't want to go to bed last night because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep.  I tried to stay up as late as I could so that I'd be too exhausted and fall asleep, but it didn't work.  I tossed and turned for hours - all of that poison rolling around, spewing from every pore (figuratively).

     This morning I awoke and went to the bathroom and as I came back to lay in bed a bit, it hit me again what happened.  I still needed to process more.  But DAMN IT - I WAS going to do what I had planned to do on my day off before all this crap hit the fan.  So we did.  I still thought about the stuff that I have to do, but it's the weekend, and I can't call the doctor to cancel my appointments or my dentist (I was just a few weeks away from my 6 month check up, dang nabbit!)  But thankfully some of my prescriptions were renewed right beforehand...  But that stuff could wait a day or two.  Of course I need to go job hunting and of course I'll need health insurance again, but for a few days, things will be okay, and I really needed to enjoy this momentary freedom.

 

     And guess what?

     I looked at my backyard again for the first time and realized how green it was.  I appreciated the little birds that were at my birdfeeders, realized that I hadn't cleared out the garden out back yet.  Looked at the sky and saw how blue it was.  I looked around my house with a new sense of purpose - something I hadn't been able to do in awhile.
     I didn't take my anti-depressants.  I took an allergy pill and I moved forward.

     I realized that I no longer had to worry about the stockroom piling up.  I didn't have to worry about my manager never giving me any help to accomplish things any more.  I didn't have to even see or talk to her ever again!!  That certainly brought a smile to my face.  I'd never have to deal with those people secretly loathing me while smiling at my face.  It was gone.  All of it.  The only thing I had to worry about is myself.

     I hadn't had that blissful relief in a very long time.

     And even though I know tomorrow is another day, and that I'll have to deal with all of the annoyance of having to go out and get a new job and deal with new things, at least I can decide.

     Want to know something else?

     I still have a supportive husband.  I was able to listen to him talk about his convention with an open mind again.  It didn't feel like yet another heavy weight on my shoulders that I wanted to throw off.  (It felt like he was adding bricks to my back every time he talked about it because I already had loads and loads of other bricks there and didn't realize it.)  And that made me happy.
     I still have supportive family.  I told my mom and she was very positive - you know, if God closes a door, He'll open a window!  I feel like in this case though, God opened the door and said, "GET OUT OF THIS PLACE NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!"  And I'm outside of that place and here's this wonderful new world just waiting to be explored.  I don't know where to start yet because I'm still adjusting to the light that I haven't seen in so long, but when I regain my focus, I'm sure I'll be fine.
     I still have supportive friends.  These people are magnificent.  Every single one that was enraged or shocked when I posted online about what happened - there was a massive outpouring and each one gave me a massive blast of fresh air that I hadn't breathed in that poisonous atmosphere.

     And I have a D&D game planned for next Friday and maybe Tuesday as well.

   

     So, that's about it for now.  I am going to let the rest of the poison drain out of my system.  I'm going to take a breath of fresh air.  I'm going to look around me for the first time with fresh eyes and throw off the burden that I'd been carrying for so long it was breaking me.

     And I'll pick my next path.

     Because somehow, I've escaped.

     They didn't break me.  They've freed me.

     And I know this next chapter in my life will be better - because once you're at the bottom for so long, there's gotta be a way up.


See you again soon!

2019 - Focus on My Mental Health pt. 5

     Been awhile since I posted in here, but I guess that might be a semi-good thing if I've been too busy to brood?  Maybe so, or maybe it's because I've been in a weird place this last week or so.  About a week ago my hubby headed out for the weekend with the express orders to 'go out, and have fun' while he was gone.  Of course I could have gone with him, but I decided that maybe I just needed to try to get out on my own and do something I hadn't in quite a long time.  My last attempt at 'go out and have fun' was back in the late fall when I headed to the Lynd Fruit farm to pick up my apples and cider to last me through the winter months, but on the way back my car tires decided to throw up warning about low tire pressure, so it cut my trip short.  I was stressed out from trying to find a place to go to refill the tires for the rest of the day, and for the next week I stayed stressed out until I finally bought a portable air compressor.
     So, after packing away that air compressor, I made an identical trip out to get some apples and cider and jams and it was quite busy for being about five days before the start of spring.  The people there said, "see you in July!" and everyone there (including myself) said, "Yup!"  Because that'll be the start of peach season and hopefully the cold winters didn't kill off too many of the trees.  I did notice as I drove away that a stand of some 20-30 trees were pulled up at the roots, dead.  I'm not entirely sure what type of apples, and whether they'd died or were pulled to make a bigger parking lot, but it was an image that will stick with me.
     The rest of the morning was spent trying to find a craft mall I'd kept seeing online and when I finally got there it seemed to have a lot of potential...but was very disappointing (and I'd realize was the slowest of all of the places I went that day) so I crossed it off my list for future trips.  I went to another antique store and then headed out to Clifton Mill to see the place during the spring instead of Christmas time.  Took a good hour drive, but I had forgotten that I enjoy driving on my own as long as it's not going somewhere I've been before.
     And it was a peaceful sort of day driving and hitting the places and I'm looking forward to seeing the mill during the summer when there are trees and no Christmas lights (although I have a feeling they stay in the trees, but at least seeing the cliffs would be pretty without).  But there were hints of what it would be like when it's not swarming with people.
     The rest of the day was spent hopping between antique stores out west and every single place was more full then I'd ever seen them.  But it was fun and I was exhausted by the end of the day, but in a good way.

     The only downfall that day was getting ridiculously angry over not getting dinner by myself until after I'd been home for awhile because I thought my husband was getting home on time to have dinner but had meant he was leaving by dinnertime and wouldn't be there until nearly 8pm.  So I'd gotten angry but it was probably hunger more than anything, I think.

     But I haven't been taking the depression medication.  I really wanted to see what would change between taking it and not.  So I started around then and at first there was the burst of anger, but overall I didn't notice any large changes because I made myself get going and got myself off the sofa.  And I've worked on projects around the house now since then - pulled out the carpets in the closets of my bedroom and redid the flooring.  Then since then I've also changed out the guest bathroom floors too.  Doing something with my hands really makes me happier than anything else.  I get my butt away from the television and get doing other things.
     So I haven't taken any of the pills and I've gotten a bit more sunshine which may or may not be helping - I am trying to get my mindset right again.  So I've also been walking around the yard lately as well, making plans about what I want to do with the yard in the upcoming months.

     Let's get up to speed though.  Today was yard work day.  I got the trash picked up, pansies planted in pots and the little wagon.  Then cleaned the leaves from the curb and had a family pull over and say to me, "it's really nice seeing someone do that, no one does that around here."  And I'm thinking to myself, yeah, but not everyone has as many leaf and water issues as I do... but I thanked them and we talked about the fact that it was nice out.  But I was slightly shaky by the end and I'm not sure if it was because I was startled or pleased.
     It did make me feel a bit curious about whether or not the pills have been helping more with the anxiety.  I thought both days on the way to work this week for closing shifts that I haven't had any anxiety going into work.  I'm hoping it wasn't because of the pills, but I'll find out for sure after the next birth control rotation because that's what I really thought was affecting me.  So, we'll see.  Got another week or so.
     I have realized that I've been kind of annoyed because my husband isn't very active.  I kept hinting that I wanted to go for a drive today.  Convinced him to go to breakfast and then we went to get groceries and then we went home and he plopped down in front of the TV and didn't move.  I finally just had to get up because I couldn't stand it anymore, and I really should have just gotten up and left the house...but we did go get flowers so I did the yardwork thing which needed it anyway.
     Later this week, however, I'm going to try getting out and making that drive.  It doesn't make me happy to just sit around doing nothing all the time.  I think I need to accomplish things with my hands to make me happy.  I do realize for the last month I've been working on orders at work for framing which I used to do regularly and part of me realizes that's a big thing for me to keep me happy.  So... I've been considering looking into trying to find another job that will help me keep my hands busy.

     Here's the thing, though.  I WANT to get a new job.  I'd really like to be able to move on to something that I could go in, make some things, then go home again.  But, my job gives me good benefits and I've been there forever and I'm not entirely sure how I could move on until I knew that my husband's job was secure enough to take care of us for awhile until I worked my way up again.  His work is so unstable, but it's been that way forever and I kept thinking I should just 'wait' and yet I've been waiting all of these years now and it hasn't changed things.  So, what am I waiting for?  Now I feel like I've waited too long and it's so hard to move on.

     Well, ultimately I'm okay right now.  About a week without the anti-depressants.  I've had a few sad days and would really like to move.  I think though it's more the television and the Facebook and I really need to get away from both of those things again, and that's what I'm going to work on this upcoming week.

Wish me luck!

2019 - Focus on My Mental Health pt. 4

    Part four!  Today I will discuss a few weird things that happened to me last night.  Besides having trouble staying asleep (falling asleep, not so bad, but the bladder woke me up about three times.)  But besides that I woke the second or so time after a very disturbing/frightening dream:

    I think I was headed home, and had almost made it inside when I heard the sound of a familiar bird.  I turned to look up into a very high tree (perhaps 200 feet or more), I was standing under an awning, which our house doesn't have, it extended out over a drive (sort of like a hotel drop off).  Up on top of this tree was the bird - and I recalled thinking that it was a Macaw as the sound was familiar.  So I called to it, hoping that perhaps it would fly down to me, and surprisingly it did.  It was bedraggled, feathers ragged, as it landed on my shoulder awkwardly.  It lost its balance and I cradled it in my arms thinking I needed to get it inside, get it some water, and then search up some food.  And of course I started thinking about what I really had inside my own house, like fruit, which I thought might do it some good.
     I went inside the house, there was a step up to get into a kitchen, but the kitchen was laid out opposite (more like my Mom's house).  It was super bright, a huge window to my right and the sink underneath.  I caught a glimpse of Tenchi (my cat, as seen below:)

Of course, in this dream he was facing away from me and much fatter then he was in this picture (he was a lot younger here and probably 5 pounds lighter, so imagine his stripey back but very round).  He was pawing the ground with his left front foot, and I was a bit nervous about the macaw, but was also curious about what he was doing.

As I walked past him to his left side, I came around to see what he was doing.  At first I thought that he was doing his 'horny dance' as I call it since he does that to blankets a lot.  In the next second, I realized that he was rather pawing at the ground, at something laying there slightly to his right.  A split second later, I realized that object was a severed paw.  Just a paw.  And a second later, he looked up at me and I could see his front right leg was severed.  He seemed to ask, "why isn't it moving when I move my leg?"

     In the moments, maybe milliseconds, of waking, I had a 'memory' of Aria having had her leg squeezed to the point of being drawn out (like dough when you pull it apart), and wondering how in the world they had both had their legs destroyed when there was no one in the house, or any circumstance that would do that damage.
     It was very disturbing, and after I went to the bathroom I lay in bed trying desperately not to think about it.
     Needless to say, I had to go downstairs to check and make sure that Tenchi's paws were all safely on his own legs.  They were, I'm happy to report, but it was still the strangest dream I've had in a long time.

     I forgot about most of it while I was at work today.  I got to hide out doing my old job today (since one of my co-workers are out healing from carpal tunnel surgery) which was pretty darn peaceful overall.
     I didn't get to play D&D today though, which is a bit sad, but it was also relaxing not to have to rush anywhere after work.  And then after work I did finally spray paint that vent (speaking of which, I need to get it finished and back upstairs).  And then I made my first attempt at a Texas Sheet Cake the first time in like a decade.  Hopefully it will taste good.  It at least looked normal when I finished it.  So, I guess we'll try!

So that completes my 4th entry.  I have a day off tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to continue more things that make me happy!

2019 - Focus on My Mental Health pt. 3

     Don't really have much to relate today, but figured since I'd realized I just didn't have a way to express my feelings anywhere else that I'd write out a brief synapsis of what went on today.  Typically when I'm sent away to work at another store in the area I come right home afterward, but this time I decided that I would definitely use the long drive to my advantage and do some shopping afterward.
     But first, getting up at 4:30 AM, driving across town, not quite the furthest store in the area but they're all between 20-30 minute drives away from my house.  Drive was okay and I saw someone I hadn't gotten to talk to in awhile so that was pleasant, then I did my work and had to coax both of the store managers there to let me go when my time was up for the day because, quite frankly, I'd gotten there on time and my own manager did not, so let them stay the extra 45 minutes or more to make up for it.  I was exhausted but also decided I needed to do the shopping trip I'd planned on, even if only for a half hour or so.
     So I actually went shopping, bought a few new shirts and a new sweater and chatted up the cashier for awhile since it was slow and she was talkative.  Then headed over to another store to get a few more things and had another conversation there with an employee, so it made it an overall pleasant experience for me.  Then I did a little bit of catching Pokémon since you honestly can't NOT play Pokemon Go where I was.
     Then I turned on the newest Jason Mraz CD that I own (yes, I still like CDs as my stupid media player sucks and doesn't want to read anything off the USB drive...and I've been too lazy to get that fixed.)  And just sang my way home again.
     We went out to eat for dinner and I wandered around the yard when we got home looking at the tiny little stubs of crocuses and tulips peaking out of the ground.  I so want it to be Spring already!  I want to be able to hit up the garden center and buy a tray of pansies to plant out in the garden.  I also want to be able to put down grass seed so we can forget about the ugly brown line from the road to the side of my house.

     Well, I think I'm going to work on painting just one more of the vents now, and watch some more TV, relax or something, take a nice shower and go to bed.  Then maybe I'll be able to deal with my internal screaming about how things went.  I'm really glad to be home again, but also glad I made the trip on my own as I just don't go out on my own enough anymore and I think it builds character when I do.  I just wish I'd been able to get going sooner in order to go to the bookstore too, but that's a whole different challenge.

2019 - Focus on My Mental Health pt. 2

     I'm into my new Mental Health awareness plan five days now.  The balance of feeling crappy and feeling excited and happy is still balanced in favor of feeling crappy, but I think the majority of that has to do with work and one particular person.  But, I guess I'll go over a few of the things that have been pretty good for me the last few days.

Thursday - cleared out a few of my old toys and made some donation plans.

Friday - went out for dinner by myself.  Picked up Raisin' Canes, which, even though I regretted it later (stomach reasons) I did feel good getting out of work for a short time and being able to finally allow myself to go out and do something rather than eating my packed lunch.

Saturday - did some shopping, went out to breakfast, shopped at Costco, walked around the mall for a bit, bought some new miniature paint, then came home and put some finishing of figures.  Worked on getting a few more done and then after we went grocery shopping I brought home spray paint to fix the rusting vent covers.  They look awesome.  Suddenly it's like I've been able to wipe out that anxiety I got every time I looked at them thinking about the months (almost a year) of cleaning cat pee up every single day.  Although, on another hand, I found old cat pee on the wall (I'm pretty sure it was old as it didn't smell very strongly) while doing some other cleaning, but just having those vents looking better was like a breath of fresh air for me.

Sunday - finally got the seasonal set done at work that was due TWO WEEKS ago.

For the last few days too I've been doing some online money making, doing meaningless internet tasks.  It's not much really, but I thought maybe it would be something I could do to keep me from mindlessly scrolling Facebook every day which is part of my problem I think.


     I also had a sudden thought this evening.  I used to write emails.  I used to write a LOT of emails.  I think something to do with those emails I used to be able to get out my anxiety and depression on paper and then move on with my life, and hopefully my "pen pal" that I emailed would get back to me and I'd be able to work through all of those issues.  (Unlike when I simply just write in my diary or here.)  I realized that was a HUGE change in my life the last few years.  Just about 2016 things changed and suddenly I didn't have anyone to unload my problems on, or have problems unloaded onto either.  Because sometimes writing back to someone also gives me this amazing feeling of knowing that someone cares about me enough to tell me all of these deep dark secrets.  I don't have anyone like that except perhaps my husband.  I miss it so much.  Sure, I have a few people that we share things in common and talk about very surfacy things.  I don't have someone I can say "my life sucked today, I'd really like to talk about it, and you can tell me about how much yours sucked too."

     So, I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do about that issue.  I write a lot in my daily life, but there must have been something so cathartic about it over the years that my depression just didn't take over my life as it has the last few years.  I know I had depression, but I found ways to get up and keep moving and doing something else.  It's been very difficult to force myself to get up and going.  But THAT is what this Lent is all about - getting up, getting moving, and figuring out exactly what I need to do to beat this thing.

     More updates to come, hopefully!

2019 Lent - Focus On My Mental Health

     So, here we are starting Lent in 2019 (I'm not Catholic, but I've been doing something for it since the 90's).  In most year's past I have typically focused my attention on my physical health, or on occasions also my spiritual health.  I will admit that I've only focused on my spiritual health a few times, I think one year my goal was to read a chapter of the Bible every day, another was I think to pray for someone each day, that sort of thing.  Most years, however, I usually focus on my physical health which means, typically, to give up something that feels dear to me.  In the past it has ranged from giving up red meat, chocolate, soda, coffee, caffeine, desserts, alcohol, etc.  The last time I gave up soda I pretty much gave it up entirely so I feel pretty good about that since I've only taken a sip or two of a soda on occasions and that sorta just feels like a step in the right direction.

     This year in January I had started talking to my husband about perhaps giving up sweets all together (I did desserts last year but cheated by eating sweet things for breakfast....if it's breakfast, it's not dessert, right?  Sigh.)  Other years we gave up eating out at restaurants and that was a tough one because he had to be all-in on that one to help me (he could eat out at lunch all he wanted but I ate at home.  Our only 'cheat' was having fish at churches for lent, which isn't technically a restaurant!)

     However, as this year has gone by I realized that giving up sweets without actually getting them out of the house all together was going to be very difficult, and my husband had bought a few too many donuts for Fat Tuesday yesterday and thus they had to be eaten up today, ruining the chance to start Lent today on Ash Wednesday.  So, I started trying to think of something else I could do today, or not do today for my focus.  I can't give up soda (I have already), I can't give up alcohol (my depression medication forbids it) and I can't give up chocolate or sweets because guess what I had already this morning?

     In the spirit of avoidance, I helped my mother do her taxes, or rather forced my husband to help her do them, although I really could have done them myself (and maybe I should have?  But he seems to like doing computer type things) and after being mentally exhausted after helping her for hours on end, I figured I needed to do something for ME finally to today.

     That started the gears moving finally and I realized something I've never done when I participate in Lent is that I've never worked on my own MENTAL HEALTH.  Doing things that will make me feel better about myself, things that will make my mind take a bit of ease.  Obviously I've been suffering from burn-out from my job and also in some part my home life because of all of the things that need to be done to keep a house with four cats and a husband clean.  And I can't even begin to expect that my husband will actually clean anything on his own, you know?  Sure, he got motivated around the holidays to straighten up his office so that he could move things downstairs into the basement so he could work down there, but then he rarely works down there.  Now he's taking up TWO spaces and neither of them are very tidy.  He still won't clean the toilets unless I ask him and unless I specifically ask him to wipe under the lid of the toilet (which I never see but he does every day and I certainly don't understand why he doesn't go "eeewww, maybe I should clean that!"  Nope!!)  So our bathroom gets worse and worse every day and it should really be cleaned once a week but because of my depression it might go months before I haul all of the cleaning supplies upstairs and tear it apart.  It takes about an hour to clean up all of the surfaces and try to pair down all of the crap that's taken up residence on the counter which is the main reason why I don't like to clean it in the first place because it takes five minutes to clear it all off, then ten to wipe it all down and shine up the faucets and finally another five minutes to dust everything off and put it all back together again.

     But, the reason I segued into this topic of cleaning the bathroom because that's what I did to get away from the couch and the TV and the cluttered coffee table that slowly disappears beneath the piles of junk that my husband collects on there.  I leave a few things that I know I'm using on a regular basis, but some of his stuff just sits there for months and it could be anything from junk mail to a business card or a bottle cap that he was too lazy to just dump in the trash bin when he opened his bottle right next to it!

     So, cleaning is also semi-zen for me only because it allows me time to think while I'm doing the task of cleaning.  I thought to myself, if I can do something that helps my mental health - decluttering for example - maybe that can be a good way to start off my Lent this year.  A clean room, a decluttered room, a place that everything that's there "gives me joy," maybe that will help me in my quest to better mental health and maybe I can stop taking the stupid pills.

     

     Today's mental health goal:  Get rid of things in the bathrooms that I really don't need to be storing.

     I tossed all of the little tubes of toothpaste that were expired we had been keeping from the dentist office.  I'm sure that most of them could probably have been used well beyond their expiration date since if they aren't open I doubt there's much in them that could go bad, but well, do I really need 15 of them?  Especially since we get about 4 a year and neither my husband or I use those tubes ourselves since we prefer another brand?  I keep them merely to have for guests in case they forget theirs when they spend the night.  It's actually come in handy a few times.

     I organized the things I did keep like floss, which also comes in handy since one friend of ours won't use the same part of a string of floss for a different tooth - so he typically goes through a strand that's about 5 feet or so every time he flosses.  So, samples for him!

     Then I moved into my own bathroom and cleaned up the medicine cabinet and got rid of expired things in there.  Got rid of some things that were long overdue to be replaced like the old shower curtain that was probably 8 years old (I'd bought a new one well over a year ago and it was sitting under the cabinet the whole time).  Also some rubber ducks I'd bought on a whim that were just collecting dust since I don't take baths.  Changed out some of the artwork and pulled some of the things on the counters and put them underneath because we just don't use some of them all that often for us to need it on top of the counter.  Got rid of a stupid candle I'd gotten last summer from someone that I really hated the look of and the smell of, so why was I keeping the thing around anyway?

     Then I moved into the kitchen and cleaned the window and changed out the curtains from the winter set to the spring/summer ones.  Makes the room more cheery when I can switch out colors and freshen up the place.

     Now I decided the next step might be to document some of this stuff, and maybe that will help me realize that I am getting things down on a consistent basis and I shouldn't always feel like I "get nothing done on my days off" which is part of my depression right there.  

1.  Get Mom's taxes done.

2.  Get the credit card bill paid.

3.  Clean my bathroom.

4.  Clean the guest bathroom.

5.  Change out the kitchen curtains.

6.  Fill the bird feeders.

7.  Clean the kitchen window.

8.  Throw things away that I don't need to be keeping - take it out to the trash so I don't regret it and try to get it back!

     So, there's day one.  Am I feeling better?  A wee bit.  I had wanted to work on dinner, but I wanted to do it on my terms and my husband walked down and started it before I'm ready, so I guess I won't be doing dinner (I hadn't had time yet to clean the kitchen and I feel I really need a clean kitchen to cook properly) so we'll see, maybe I should also take some personal time to do something like read or watch something I'd like to watch or something else like that for my personal health.  We'll see!  I guess I can always come back here and add to my list later.

Wish me luck!

Being a House Guest or Host

     I really think this is a subject I should cover today, since the beginning of the new year I have been both a house guest and a host at multiple places over the past month.  Actually, I've been hosting at my house for awhile now, various different Dungeons & Dragons groups, and family members and I've begun to think that people just don't KNOW how to be a host and how to function as a good house guest.  So... I've come up with a list of things I've noticed lately that people tend to really screw up a LOT.  Here goes:


If you are a HOUSE GUEST:
(that means you're either visiting another's home or staying somewhere else)

• Be courteous - say "please" and "thank you" as the people who are hosting you will really appreciate being thanked.  If they go out of their way to cook, clean, clear the snow off your car, keep a tidy house, have a well-stocked fridge they allow you to raid, etc., be grateful!
• Don't take for granted the Hosts "Rules" of the house.  Do they want you to take shoes off at the door?  Maybe they want you to speak and walk quietly as not to disturb pets or children.  Do they want toilet lids closed to keep pets out of hazardous chemicals in them?  Maybe they like all dirty dishes to be placed in the dishwasher.  Maybe they like to recycle and have a specific bin rather than throwing it in the trash?  Maybe they need specific bed times, or quiet times.  Pay attention if it's your first time and ask if you don't know.
• Don't be a SLOB!  Don't leave trash laying around.  Clean up bathroom counters from makeup or toothpaste before you leave.  Make the bed!  Don't leave your things lying all over the house, it's not YOUR house!  
• Offer to help!  Even if they don't take you up on the offer, at least they know they can ask you to help if needed with basic household chores like dishes and setting the table.
• If you have restricted dietary needs or don't like some foods, send your host a list beforehand!  And speak up if they take you somewhere you know you can't eat at!  A good host wants to know what they can do to make you happy!
• Don't be afraid to state any requirements you might have as a guest - do you need a cold room at night?  Or a hot one?  Do you need more blankets when you sleep?  Do you need an extra plate to separate out food?  Do you have a certain bed time?  Speak up!  Come to an agreement ahead of time so everyone knows what they are getting into!
• Don't make your hosts repeat the rules to you every time you come over.  If they've spoken to you about shoes at the door, etc. don't be a jerk and make them remind you every single time.  Eventually they'll just stop inviting you over.

If you are a HOST:
(someone is staying or visiting at your house)

• Be as gracious as you can to your guests, they chose to stay/visit you!  They didn't have to come, so make sure they're happy.  Offer drinks or food if they are staying for awhile.  Plan entertainment for overnight guests, ask them what they like, movies, games, or just quiet time doing their own things?  Come to an understanding, have a conversation early.
• If your guests offer to help and you'd really like them to (say, do the dishes because they're in another room and you'll miss out on things, allow them to help!) let them help!  Maybe it's just a matter of, "could you help me dry these?" or "could you put on some hot water for our tea?"
• Be ready to fulfill the needs of your guests, have multiple offerings, set up a menu ahead of time so they have time to suggest something else, have clean towels for bathrooms and clean sheets on beds.  Make sure there is extra toilet paper and mention where they can find other toiletries, plates, cups, etc. if they need to get something for themselves during their visit.
• Don't have dinner in front of your guests or eat unless you've warned them ahead of time!  If you're baking a cake and your guests can't have any, let them know the reasons, and apologize - or offer them some!  Don't be rude and walk around eating in front of everyone unless you have enough for the 'class'!
• Make sure you warn your guests of pets, children, or other family.  Maybe you need to quiet during a certain period of time, or maybe your guests are allergic to cats - let them know well ahead of time to plan on what they need to do.
• If your guests don't know about certain rules before they arrive, ask them politely to do such things as keeping specific doors shut or open, shoes off at the door, toilet seats down, or letting you know where to put the dishes or recyclables. Don't be rude about it, they've never been to your house before!
• Learn what your guests like and don't like.  First time's a learning experience, but if you're always feeding the same guests dairy when they've said three times that they're lactose-intolerant, they'll probably stop coming over to see you!

FOR BOTH:

• Communication is key to any host/guest scenario.  Speak up, but then LISTEN to any answers given.  Remember (even if you need to jot yourself notes, most smart phones have note sections in the phone number area!) the things that are set in place because then everyone will be happier at the end of the day.
• Don't demand to visit or demand visitors.  If you want someone to come to your house, offer.  If you would like to visit sometime, say "I'd just like to visit" - don't say "we need to have a cookout sometime" just because you want to use someone's grill or visit their pool.
• Spend time together.  This does NOT mean spending time on your phones while sitting in the same room.  DO SOMETHING together.  You're visiting for goodness' sake!  Act like it!  Have a conversation, listen to one another about things going on, actively participate, and be courteous about covering both sides, otherwise someone might start thinking that the other person just wanted to talk AT someone instead of TO someone.  Deep conversations with guests/hosts tend to make return trips a must!
• Limit your visits - as a host, let them know how much time you have free to have guests because it takes a lot of work!  And as a guest, know when to go home!

Hope this is handy for everyone!  If I find more things I remember I'll add them later!